The Abacus"What are you looking at?" Edition No. 14

Calls for tunnel or cable car link

Gategate plunges KCLMS students into untold misery

Shut out!

2 My Newspaper

by Varun

Education: the inal frontier. hese are the voyages of the KCLMS enter‐prise. Our two year mission: to pan‐ic, sweat, and inally break our way into Higher Education. However, to get to this mysterious galaxy named University, we must travel through this painful wormhole titled UCAS. Ah, the infamous 'Unlimited Cre‐ation [of] Added Stress'. his rite of passage for every aspiring achiever can potentially lose you your sanity, your cool - and your hair - especially if you do not know the right steps to take.

1. Are you a last minute person? Well, don't be. he last thing you want while determining your fate is that you've let it a little late and are now panick‐ing 'til your brain drops out of you. Although, if this advice does apply to you and you are, in fact, now struggling for time (ater having spent centuries away from school and stress), I believe this paragraph has sort of become a moot point. Uh, well, lesson learnt...? \_('0')_/ (sorry).

2. Your teachers are here for you. If you need advice on university choices, personal statements and whatnot, they can and will help you make the right choices. So yeah, let's bother them until they feel the urge to grow wings and ly, ly away? NO. hey are human

by the Editor, Jack Darrant

KCLMS students have had their re‐turn to school marred by a war be‐tween Lambeth Council and com‐

mon sense. Officials from the Coun‐cil have insisted on closing the gate that lies between the main school building and the Annexe, restricting access to the main building. his has forced time poor students to take the long walled path around the parking spaces and garages by the entrance.

he gate, already an obstacle for tall walkers, can only be opened by a button on one side of it. hose com‐

ing from the Annexe can take a route that is three times longer than needed, or land themselves with a detention (and no doubt broken bones) by clambering over the wall.

It is not just KCLMS which is affect‐ed by this travesty. he gate blocks a public footpath, disrupting the jour‐neys of visitors to the nearby GP surgery, nursery and those of deliv‐ery workers. However, readers will be relieved to hear that the madness does not affect staff at the Koza restaurant taking their smoking breaks.

he Abacus asked a team of expert logicians what the rationale was of insisting on closing (or indeed hav‐ing) a gate which does not block ac‐cess to anywhere. One team member responded with a 29,000 word docu‐ment explaining that the Council must be bored, and inds tormenting innocent members of the public hugely entertaining. An alternative theory is that the only way to justify the gate's existence is to close it from time to time.

Some readers will also be familiar with the anti-pedestrian phasing system of the traffic lights at Lam‐

beth North. hose who have at‐tempted to reach Tesco Express or the Avabite smoothie shop have re‐ported falling asleep while waiting for each of the several layers of crossings to inally allow them to continue.

It is these combined wastes of peo‐ple's time that has prompted re‐newed calls for an extension of the Bakerloo line from Lambeth North to Kennington Road (with an en‐trance in Room 9) and then onto Lambeth Walk (entrance in one of those mysterious cupboards in the cafeteria). he cost of the extension is estimated to be £400 million, yet this is cheaper than the cable car or the teleportation system, costed by the Student Council at £12 trillion last year.

Ultimately, however, KCLMS stu‐dents feel that the simplest solution to the immediate problem is to per‐suade the powers that be to keep the gate open. he Abacus has every sympathy with this aim, and will support all strikes, sit-ins, bulldozer hirings and pickets that we antici‐pate taking place in order to turn Gategate into what it should be: a horror story from history.

UCAS trouble?

Uni'd help!

Gategate: silly solutions proposed

3My Newspaper

b e i n g s a n d t h e y might...not...respond positively to being asked about stuff in‐side classrooms during lesson time, on their front porch, out‐side their bedroom window at midnight. (A recent study re‐ports that 0 out of 0 teachers did respond well to being wo‐ken up to give UCAS advice).

3. Check your application form. Check it, like you're playing a game of chess (joke intended). It helps to get your full name right, for starters! Do make sure everything's illed in hon‐estly from your work experi‐ence to your grades - it wouldn't help your case to just say that you worked in the Ministry of Magic in the De‐partment of...Mathe-magic (don't ask.) hey will ind out. (I guess this point can be ex‐tended to personal statements too but I dare not advise on this!)

4. Choose wisely. Remember As‐pirational, On Target, and In‐surance universities? You'll need one or two of each for sure, if you are to ensure that you are well prepared. Check entry requirements for the universities you have shortlist‐ed and your predicted grades to act accordingly. I mean, it's great to think you can get Cambridge, Imperial AND Hogwarts all at once but...a few back-ups can't hurt, can it?

5. Panic. Spend more time wor‐rying about stuff and doubting your abilities than actually working to your goals. Woof Woof!

6. Sorry. My amnesiac toothless chihuahua typed that up.

7. DON'T CAPS-LOCK YOUR PERSONAL STATEMENT. THEY WON'T THANK YOU.

Prime numbers are a privileged class. Born with the advantage of having just two factors, a prime can look forward to a life where it will escape division and enjoy a cushy job in encryption. he numerical proletariat, meanwhile, enjoys no special treatment and is shamelessly picked on for use in all arithmetical operations. In these times of austeri‐ty, the integers with the broadest shoulders should take on their share of the pain rather than taking holi‐days in the Caribbean, suring, and sipping iced tea as they snooze away their spare time. hat is why all prime numbers should be subject to a surtax of 97% of their value.

1. he cookie game2. Fire breathing pigs3. he Illuminati4. Breaking maths5. hrowing playing cards6. Student council election fever7. Funny/disturbing whiteboard

graffiti8. Nutri-grain Breakfast Bakes9. Maryland Goeys10. Assassin11. Pi News12. Rick-rolling13. Competitive sleeplessness14. Agar15. Visits from ministers16. Lanyard ights

1. What is the link between imaginar y numb ers and Monopoly money?

2. Can we attack the gate with a bulldozer? Please!

3. When is the world really going to end?

4. Who's dying to know?5. Are the recycling bins ever

emptied more oten than once a year?

6. Why are the Year 12s taller than the Year 13s? Doesn't this v i o l ate t he l aw s of t he universe?

7. How ever did we cope without the mega-mini ('maxi') white‐boards?

8. Or those captivating little whiteboard rubbers?

9. Can anybody drink Oscar and co's health smoothie without grimacing?

10. How is it possible for KCLMS to run out of chairs?

11. ...I am Groot?

List of things that were hings

at Kings

10 hings We Want To Know

Idea #2: Tax prime numbers

4 My Newspaper

he people of Kudos, the maths and goat-ixated island nation whose sovereignty serves as a prize for KCLMS house competitions, were let scratching their heads ater a surprise 'reorganisation'. he coun‐try's population, goats and wealth had been divided between four classes, known as Kults. For Ku‐dossers, the Kult they are born into to determines which villages you can live in, whom you may marry, the mathematical constant you wor‐ship, and, most importantly, which type of beard you may grow. Hu‐mans and goats alike must follow these restrictions for fear of being laughed at.

However, the governments of Ku‐dos suspended their conlict in or‐der to assign random numbers to Kudossers and use a hat to assign every man, woman, child, goat, kid and euro to a new Kult. Centuries worth of tradition, family ties and homes were destroyed, with Ku‐dossers urged to embrace the 'op‐portunity to discover new hairstyles and constants'.

One Kudosser cat hustler we spoke, who had been re-allocated from the Makswellios Kult to Brunelios, was not happy with the changes. 'I was happy, I had nice stable with nice chair, nice wife and savings. Now I need be loyal to new Kult and letter 'e'. I hate 'e''. Our interview ended when he broke down having been informed that his new bank account had €(92,000,000,000 + 64,722 j)- the equivalent of 0.024p- in it. Even in the poorer parts of Kudos, a hun‐dred billion euros will struggle to buy you even a small pea smoothie.

Members and supporters of the Labour Party have elected a succes‐sor to Ed Miliband and their candi‐date to ight the Conservatives at the next General Election in 2020. Jere‐my Corbyn, the previously obscure MP for Islington North was elected with a resounding 59.5% of the vote, against odds of 200 to 1 when he en‐tered the contest. His victory has been attributed to a surge in new, mostly young supporters inspired to join the party to vote for him.

Labour is divided about how best it should respond to its surprisingly poor performance in May's election. Corbyn has pledged to tear up much of the existing policy advocated by the party, abandoning the more moderate 'middle of the road' it has held for a generation. He argues that the government should spend more and be more willing to intervene in 'failing' markets. For example, Cor‐byn supports the state capping rental costs; buying up the railways and energy companies and imposing tougher environmental protections. hese will be popular with support‐ers who welcome action to reduce rents and transport fares, but critics claim that the measures are anti-business. and may damage econom‐

ic growth.

Corbyn's outright opposition to fur‐ther spending cuts is controversial: a few months ago Labour agreed with the Conservatives that cuts had to be made until the government stopped spending more than it raised in taxes. hough some economists agree that spending cuts can harm the economy more than borrowing or tax rises for the rich

(others don't!), many think Labour has to prove it can be inancially re‐sponsible, ready to make cuts. Labour will say that it is fairer and ultimately less harmful to balance the books by a crackdown on big business avoiding tax than, say, cut‐ting help for low paid workers.

he new leader faces challenges win‐ning over his own party. Although he is popular with Labour members, most Labour MPs are worried his proposals will scare off undecided voters. Ater he was elected much of the Shadow Cabinet (the team of se‐nior MPs who serve as spokespeople on speciic areas) resigned. On big issues such as the upcoming vote on British airstrikes in Syria and whether Britain should renew its nuclear weapons, there are already signs Corbyn has yet to unite the party behind him.

One thing supporters and oppo‐nents agree on is that, with his aver‐sion to wooing the media and his new ideas, and his beard, Corbyn looks very different to the cautious, slick politicians we are used to.

Jeremy Corbyn Elected Labour Leader

Kudossers confused

5My Newspaper

he strangely-shaped 11 storey buildings neighbouring the school, the grandly named Lambeth Towers, were constructed as part of a vision‐ary scheme in the 1965. Architect George Finch wanted the building to relect his socialist ideals, allowing plenty of room for various facilities and communal activities. He wanted environment which did not 'dehu‐manise' with characterless lats.

he scheme included a 'luncheon club for older people', housed in what we now know as Koza, office space (later to be used by the local council) and high-quality housing that replaced the slum dwellings that were ubiquitous in south London. Its design has proved more durable than the brutalist tower blocks typi‐cal of the Sixties; Lambeth Towers' distinctive features have made it a local landmark.

his term, students and staff were greeted by the long-awaited recy‐cling bins. No longer would we face that twinge of guilt with every sheet of paper, every empty bottle, we cast away to (not) decay in toxic piles for centuries. However, there have been two complications: it seems that col‐lecting recyclable waste is easy, but actually recycling it is not. But more importantly, some of us are unaware of what should and should not be recycled.

Letover food. It shouldn't go into recycling unless it can be melted and re-cast, pulped or washed and re-used. his precludes most food, with the probable exception of McDon‐alds (which counts as a plastic and is washable) and sandwiches from Tesco, which can be pulped and made into cardboard.

Spent uranium fuel rods. hough rogue nations around the world have plenty of experience in recy‐cling these into a variety of useful

things, such as nuclear warheads, Lambeth Council has no contract with any institution to recycle these. If you have some uranium taking up precious space, you should instead dispose of it in landill or post it to North Korea.

Homework question sheets. Depite your optimism, unfortunately recy‐cling the homework does not make it go away. Besides if it is recycled, the spirit of the homework can come back to haunt you.

Bank statements. You can recyle these without shredding them if you are particularly keen on having your identity and money stolen. But wouldn't it be strange to bring them into school to recycle anyway? Simi‐larly, as Cabinet minister Oliver Letwin learned, a bin in St James' park is not the place to dispose of sensitive government documents.

Annoying friends/siblings/parents. Recycling might seem like a handy solution to your problems, but think of your environment before you do so. Previous attempts have resulted in a lot of mess as binned people tend to throw existing waste out of the bins in order to get comfortable. Other means of disposal exist, so consider dropping your person at a local charity shop or posting them on Freecycle.

Recycling bins. hough it is true the bins are recyclable, there are prob‐lems with doing so. For example, how do you it a recycling bin into a recycling bin of the same size? Something to ask the Physics teach‐ers, perhaps. Also, if you defy expec‐tations and recycle each bin in an‐other bin, how can you recycle the last bin which contains the other re‐cycling bins?

No, you can't recycle that

uranium here

he secret history of Lambeth

Towers

6 My Newspaper

Clues will give you letter(s) to make a word. Find the word and you have the solution. Hint: this word has two meanings.

he worst things in life come free to us

Here's why

Eh

Let's have an adventure

Everything will be alright

Tracy Island, time-travelling

his place is too crowded

Even if it's just pretend

Run

You, with your switching sides

Orbit around with my dreams and there I perceive my reality and what it means

Unconditionally

We're happy, free, confused and lonely

All around the wind blows

Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down

To a place that we don't know

In Wonderland

Standing strong as the waves roll over

Hey!

Style Lurk; R U Mine; Wildest Dreams; Shine Boss; Counting Stars; Sugar; Maps; Animals; Photograph; Blank Space; Night Changes; Perfect; So What; Female Robbery; Sweater Weather; Bad Romance; Brainstorm; Trouble; Bad Blood; Afraid; Stronger; Mercy; Count‐dow n; Di amonds ; Umbre l l a ; Grenade; Fluorescent Adolescent; Firework; Lean On; Titanium; Baby; Don't; Chandelier; Happy; Freedom; White Noise; Roar; Heart Attack; Arabella; 505

he Bewitched

he Martyrhe Just

he Enlightened

by Joselyn Joanes

Harefoot

he OmnipuzzleHow it works

7My Newspaper

• Latitude: D3 B2 . G4• Longitude: G2 . F9 G4 F2 E5• A = R• L = C• Q = H

Contact Jos by email at joselyn.joanes@kcl.ac.uk . Want to help create the next Omipuzzle, the puzzle where you can do anything [Registered Trademark]? You guessed it, email Jos.

Stuck?

Farmer George he Grandmother of Europe

Advertisment (not a clue!)

he Lionheart

8 My Newspaper

1. a. Displace a test mass of j kg, by converting PSHCEE energy into kinetic energy. b. Design a system to convert PSHCEE energy to electrical energy.

2. Working in teacher-assigned groups of tau students, pro‐duce a report. he content of the report is not important, only the manner of group work, especially respecting and treating equally non-entire or otherwise disadvantaged participants.

3. Perform work that can be ar‐gued to be beneicial to the community. Justify its beneits in a report to be submitted.

4. Identify the emotion expressed in the room in which the at‐mosphere sample was collect‐ed (this is additional centre-supplied material, in a sealed plastic container)

5. Argue for or against the legali‐sation of cannabis.

6. Explain the psychological ef‐fects of examinations on can‐

didates, and describe proper preparatory measures to re‐duce the harmful effects.

7. (In the examination series pri‐or to the next general election, to comply with national cur‐riculum requirements.) De‐scribe and explain the beneits of the work of the Great Lead‐er David Cameron to the British people, in comparison to the communist agenda of Jeremy Corbyn.

8. Deine the following terms, us‐ing the axioms of set theory: a. natural numbers b. tolerance c. appropriate d. personal identity

9. Using your deinition in part (8d), prove that everyone needs an identity shared with others.

10. a. Explain why Salaism is an apostasy from Islam. b. Hence, or otherwise, justify its legal prohibition.

1. Bands are: no motion, jiggling or shaking, constant linear ac‐celeration, controlled sliding around table, uncontrolled ris‐ing, controlled levitation, con‐trolled motion vertically and horizontally, aerobatics.

2. he part candidate or candi‐dates should be a volunteer, and a risk assessment for cut‐ting them should be done. he teacher should also try to re‐

spect the remaining part of this candidate or candidates. hey should be given the mode UMS of their groups.

3. It is more important that the work appears good than is good.

4. Emotions must be produced genuinely. Candidates shall be provided spare samples on re‐quest, within reason.

5. Arguments for shall be given no marks, as they are contrary to Government policy.

6. Arguments referring to this exam shall be given no marks, as self-reference is too mathe‐matical.

7. 8a. Deinition must be circular. 8b. Of error. 8c. Deinition must be identi‐cal to socially assumed deini‐tion. 8d. hat is, identifying oneself with a group. Philosophical ideas about the continuity or otherwise of atoms in time shall be given no marks.

8. 10b. Hence or otherwise really means otherwise, just to con‐fuse STEP candidates. Candi‐dates making arguments based on Shari'a prohibitions of apostasy should be reported to counter-terrorism authorities

A beam of magic PSCHEE Energy

Controlled Assessment and Coursework Tasks:

The Revision Guide

Marking Notes:

PSCHEE special by Anonymous