家庭与夫妻关系心理学中英文讲义第 10节

期末考试不考期中考试以前的内容 Test at the end of the second part of the course is not cumulative.所以把精力集中在期中考试以后的课吧 So go ahead and forget everything you've learned at the first part of course如果你想这么做的话 if you wish to.我希望你们还是能够记得之前的内容 I hope, though, that you'll keep some of them in mind.因为我们会不断的引用到它们 Because we are referring back to it over and over again.还有几个通知 Couple of announcements:期中考试的成绩待会公布 grades for midterm will be posted by later today.成绩出来了 我们在找合适的方法公布We have them, we just have to figure out how to post them.今天的晚些时候你们会拿到成绩 They will be posted later today.假如你想重温考试内容 Let's say you want to review your exam.想知道你答得怎么样 Let's say you want to know how you did,哪些题做对了 哪些题做错了 you want to know which questions you got right, which questions you got wrong.那就去莉莎那里答疑吧Well, attend Lisa office hours.我也可以答疑但我没你们的试卷You can attend my office hours but I don't have your exams.我当然很乐意跟你们交流 I'm still happy to see you, happy to talk to you,但我没有你们的试卷 都在莉莎那里 but I won't have your exams to go over. Lisa will have your exams.现在期中考试结束了Now that midterm is over,你们也许开始把注意力放到下一个必修项 you might be turning your mind to the next requirement of the course也就是论文上了which is the paper论文的截止日期是五月二十日 Paper is due May th.时间也不充裕了 就剩十四天了 That's not very long, it's not very far, only days away.应该着手去做了You might consider starting it.论文必须以书面形式上交 It has to be turned in hard copy.因此那些在家里学习的同学 So for those who watch at home,需要有人来帮你交作业了 someone has to turn in your paper.你可以自己过来教室 我很高兴见到你You can come into class, it's a pleasure to have you,反正不管你来不来 你的作业得来 but whether or not you come, your paper does have to come.而且不能以任何电子文档的形式上交 Because it has to be here, we are not accepting any attatchments or electronic things like that.还有一件事情 By the way, one more announcement,假如你没跟上课程录像的话 if you haven't been keeping up the videoes, 这星期的录像还是非常值得一看的 this week's video is quite proud of it.你最好看看 you might want to take a peek at it.

还有几件正事All right, a couple of more business things,关于论文的 let's talk about the paper for a second.之前我们并没怎么说过Ok, because we haven't talked about it very much.论文的要求以及目的 The paper, the requirements and goals of paper在讲义里面说得很详细了 are described in tremendous detail in syllabus for the course.我要求你们认真阅读 I urge you to read very word of the syllabus,尤其是论文描述部分 but especially the description of paper, because因为该部分写得十分详细 it's very detailed.论文的总体目标是 The general goal of the paper, I'll tell you,写一个关于关系的问题 is to write about a problem relevant to relationships.先提出一个问题 并介绍该问题的 Identify one, write about a research相关研究 并自行设计一些研究方案 related to that problem, and propose some research以加深我们对其的理解 甚至解决该它 to extend our understanding of that problem, maybe solve the problem.这些在你们的讲义里面已经说得很清楚了 And those goals are explained in much more details on your syllabus.当然要选择一个你感兴趣的话题 Choose a topic you care about.为什么不呢 反正你是要写的Why not? You're gonna have to do the writing,不如写一个你真正感兴趣的话题 make it something you're interested in anyway. You wouldn't be in this course,选择本课说明你对亲密关系还是感兴趣的 presumedly you aren't interested in something to do with intimate relationships.待探讨的问题是很多的 There are plenty of problems out there,讲义里面已经列举了一些 and some of them are suggested in the syllabus.所以就选择一个你感兴趣的吧 So pick a problem you care about.论文要有五页纸 隔行书写What you want to submit to us is double-spaced pages不要封面页 that does not include a title page, you don't want a title page.也不要参考文献页 It does not include reference items either I believe.五页隔行书写纸 So, double-spaced pages.整洁干净 别把咖啡溅在上面Make it neat, don't have coffee stains on it.不要有拼写错误 If there're spelling mistakes, correct them before you give it to us,有拼写错误的文章我们不愿读we don't want to read that.同时 既然你要写我要看 Since you're writing it, since we have to read them,为什么不把它做得有意思一点呢why don't you make it interesting?我知道你们不是主动要求写课程论文的 Please, why not? I realized you didn't volunteer to write that paper但既然选了本课 论文就是其中一部分 but you sort of did it by taking the course.所以也不要有什么怨言 So since you have to write, we have to read it让我们把这件事变得有趣一些 let's just make this more pleasureable by making your paper所以把你们的论文写得有看头一点 fun to read.想象着一个你们在乎的人会读这篇论文 Imagine that someone you care about will be having to read it.想象着你有读者Write it as if that was the audience,你想取悦的读者 someone that you want to have a good time reading it.

关于论文大家还有什么问题没有 杰西卡 So, there's any questions about this requirement? Jessica.是的Yes.你不要参考课本内容You can, don't do the reference of the textbook itself.但你可以参考课本中所列举的研究 but you can reference studies in the textbook.理想的状态是你不仅参考课本列举的研究 Ideally, you would not only reference studies in the textbook.还有你不可以参考维基百科Here's what you can not reference, is a wikipedia webpage.那个不算是学术研究 That does not count as research.你可以在那里找点灵感但不是依据You can start there, but I wouldn't end there.还有其它问题吗Any other questions about this requirement不然我们就往下走了 before we want to count it? Yes.问得好Great question!维尔特问论文是否必须关于亲密关系 Wilt asks, does the problem have to be at intimate relationships specificly,因为我们的课程就是关于亲密关系的 since this couse is about intimate relationships?还是可以写一写更广泛意义上的密切关系Or can it be about close relationships more broadly?答案是后者 The answer is B, it can be like close relationships more broadly.论文可以是关于其他人际关系 It can be about interpersonal relationships, 论文的范围要比本课的范围要广 so the topics for this paper are broader than the topic of this course.论文在相关的领域上范围更广 Just want it to be sort of related to the broad constellation of relevant subject area.还有象这个问题一样棒的问题没有Any other questions of the great one?VickyYes, Vicky?讲义是这么说的 我一下子记不起来了 It said so on the syllabus. I don't remember, off top of my head,不过如果讲义这么要求的 那必须达到 but it said so, you have to have this many.我想大概在三到五个之间吧 I think that in the neighborhood of between and 这个量比较合理一些 seems like a reasonable amount, including those.还有问题没有 So questions Vicky? Other questions about this requirement?既然没有 让我们往下进行 Right! Let's move on今天的课题是 to the topic for the day,冲突以及处理冲突which is conflict, managing conflict.期中考试之前 So before the midterm, Tom在他最后一节课上提到 Tom Bradbury in his last lecture亲社会属性的一些事情 talked about prosocial things,关于伴侣们如何创造并保持亲密关系 about ways that couples maintain intimacy, create intimacy,彼此帮扶 做一切有利于亲密关系的事情 support each other, do things that intimate relationships are all about.我们都是基于积极的因素而走进亲密关系We enter relationships for positive reasons.我们希望如此 That's what we want.在亲密关系之初And presumedly that at the beginning of relationships

大部分伴侣都为彼此积极的去做一些事情 all the positive things we do for each other这也是我们愿意延续亲密关系的原因所在 are most of relationships. And that's why we continue them.我们为什么愿意为伴侣做好的事情 The mystery isn't really why do we do nice things for our partner.答案并不神秘 That's not mysterious, we do nice things for our partner因为我们爱对方 所以才在一起'cause we love them, that's why we're with them.相比而言 本次课程的论题才是一个谜No, the mystery is the topic for this week.假如我们爱我们的伴侣 If we love our partners,希望与之生活在一起 if we want to be with our partners,同时我们希望对方也爱我们 and we want them to love us back为什么我们还曾用不积极的态度对待对方 why would we ever treat our partners in the way that wasn't positive?为什么我们对自己的伴侣刻薄Why would we ever be mean to our partners, ever?我们为什么伤害那些我们声称爱的人Why would we ever do something hurtful to someone we claim to love?这才是个谜 That's the mystery.你期待从你的亲密关系中获得什么呢What will be you want from your relationships? You want并不仅仅是没有冲突的生活 not just freedom from conflicts, you want你想要积极的人生还有那些之前课上提到的美好事物 actually positivity, you want love all the things you talked before the midterm.每个人都知道该如何对待亲密伴侣 And moreover everyone knows about how you should treat intimate partners.回想一下在星期五的录像中看到那个人 I want to refer you back to the fellow that we saw in the film at the end of Friday's lecture.我记不清楚了 他叫恰克吗 Let me recall, I don't remember the name, is it Chuck?恰克蹲过几次监狱 Chuck. So this's the guy who's been into prison a couple of times.他说过从他父母的婚姻里面学到了东西 Remember we commented that, he said here is what I learned from my parents' marriage.那些都是人在童年时代学到的 This is stuff you learned in childhood.你学会了要尊敬每个家庭成员You learned, treat people with respect in your family别小看他们也别对他们刻薄 don't belittle people, don't be mean to people.假如我问你 什么是冲突 Imagine if I asked you, what do you know about conflicts,如何有效的处理冲突 about managing conflict effectively.我相信你们的答案会引起很多共鸣 I'm guessing that there would be on the whole a lot of agreement in the class.如何对待亲密伴侣 我们的确所知甚多We already know a lot about how we should treat our intimate partners.我们要尊敬对方We should treat intimate partners with respect,给对方以合法身份we should validate them,对其观点持开放态度we should be open to their ideas用宽容的心态来包容不同看法we should be tolerant to disagreements.即便彼此意见存在分歧 也绝不应该 And even in the mist of disagreement, the last thing we should do is

发脾气 如果你不赞同这些请举手示意 get angry. Raise your hand if you're pro-denfensive.看来没几个不同意我所说的Very few hands.举手示意你认为可以朝对方扔东西 Raise your hand if you think it's ok to throw things at your partner.完全没有No, no hands.我们知道很多应该做的事情We know a lot about the good things to do我们也知道要避免有些事情 and we know a lot about the bad things to avoid.所以费解之处在于 So the mystery如果我们知道我们需要什么 is that if we know, if we all want the same thing也知道应该如何获得 and we know how to get it,那为什么 how is it我们还可能会失去控制 that of all the places where we might lose control,对错误的事情明知故犯 of all the circumstances in which we'll do something that we know it is the wrong thing to do,而且是对那些我们应该妥善对待 of all the people with whom we would lose control否则日后会后悔的人呢 and behave in a way that we would regret later.而且这种事情偏偏更多的发生在Why does it happen so frequently我们最爱的人身上 我们为什么要 with the people we love the most? How is it that we treat the people we love the most消极的对待我们的爱人 这是个谜 in negitive affection. That's the mystery.这个谜题我们不仅要在今天课上探讨And in fact it's the mystery more than today.在余下的课程里我们都会详细研究 It's a mystery that we'll actually be pursuing for the rest of the second part of this course.而且我不清楚是否会有一个正确的答案 And I'm not sure if we'll get an answer for that fundimental question today,但我们应该试试 but let's see how far we'll get.于是谜题出现了 So that's the mystery.让我们追溯一下这个问题的由来 Let me talk a little bit about the history.亲密关系的研究并不是以冲突分析为起点 Studying conflicts wasn't where relationship research began我相信 Tom跟你们说过 Relationship research started at, I think Tom told you,起点其实是对人格的分析 looking at personality actually.例如最早的研究材料 The earliest marital researches, for example,是关于那些倾向于离婚的个体研究were looking at the divorce-prone individual.当时的观点是某些性格缺陷的人会离婚 The idea being that the person who get divorced has some kind of character flaw.而且必然会离婚 that made your divorce inevitable.良好的婚姻产生于健全的人格 And the other people who have good marriages, because you've got good marriage personality.在离婚率低的时候 这种解释站得住脚 And that was maybe reasonable when divorce rates were low.因为在那个时候When there wasn't a lot of divorce,你可以说离婚是疯狂的鲜有发生的 you can say, well, divorce is crazy, aberrant thing that happens.

然而这种观点在上世纪六十年代 But, that changed in 's.当离婚率极速攀升的时候 受到质疑Divorce rates started to decline and they climbed high.突然之间And suddenly, it was very hard to 这种观点难以为继 sustain the argument that divorce was the result of 如果说离婚是因为人格缺陷 some aberrant personality. Because if that were true, then everyone in the world那么所有人都有人格缺陷了 is aberrant.这是令人难以置信的Hard to imagine.同时随着离婚率的攀升越来越多的夫妇 Also as divorce rates climbed, more and more peopler were going to get开始求助婚姻治疗 这在之前从未有过 couple's therapy. When divorce rates were low, there was no such thing as此前的夫妇从未想过接受治疗与咨询 couple's therapist 'cause there weren't couples that wanted to ask for therapy.然而突然之间 离婚开始普遍 But sunddenly, when divorce rate was sort of normative,更多的夫妇开始寻求治疗与帮助more couples were going to get therapy.当他们来到诊所And when they went into the therapy office当然是以夫妻为单位进行咨询 husband and wife or any couple, 在他们坐下后 咨询师问他们怎么了 sat down. Therapist said so what brings you here.他们描述的最大问题是他们在吵架 The big complaint was, we're fighting.他们在抱怨什么呢We're fighting and let's talk about the complaint. What's the complaint.他们抱怨彼此的争吵无休无止 The complaint is, we fight a lot and we're going around circles.总是在吵架We fight a lot and周而复始 同一个问题反复出现 we never get anywhere. We fight a lot and the same topics keep coming out这使得问题变得丑陋而我们都很焦躁不安 and it gets ugly and we both are upset,我们找不到走出这个死循环的办法 crying and we can't figure out a way out of it all.请帮我们走出这个困境We wanna get out of this.聆听的人是咨询师或者治疗师 So the people who were hearing the complaint were therapists, clinicians.咨询师需要做什么呢And what those therapists need,咨询师需要告诉这些夫妇一些事情 those therapists said, well I need to tell those people something.在他们力所能及的范围内 I want to be able to give them给他们一些答案一些建议 some answers, some responsers as well, here's what you should do.可这些咨询师并没有现成的答案 But they don't really have an answer.于是社会学习理论应运而生 Social learning theory emerged from this context.Tom已经教过你们社会学习理论 We've talked about social learning theory, you talked about it with Tom Bradbury.这个理论揭示了亲密关系的变化产生自 That's the theory that changed relationship really comes from the way伴侣的沟通方式以及交流方式 couples communicate, the behavior they exchange, how they以及他们如何理解这些行为 understand those behaviors. Social learning theory said, look,社会学习理论提出有些人善于交流 some people are better at communicating than others.

因此这是一项技能 it's a skill.这里面有一个大前提One of the fundemental assumptions here is that处理冲突是一项技能 there's a skill of managing conflict,有人并没有这项技能 and some people don't have it,而有人拥有这项技能 some people do have it.假如这是真的 那么咨询师的工作 But if that's true, that's a very convenient assumption for me就简单 因为如果有一项婚姻技能 as a therapist. Because if thereis a skill to doing this well,那么我可以教你 then I can teach you.技能是可以被传授的 There's a skill I can teach it.治疗师们于是转而研究 So clinicians were driving forced夫妇们在做什么 in research that turning research from personality to study, know what couples actually do,夫妇们在如何交流 how couples actually communicate.他们研究家庭冲突 They studied conflict.他们说如果问题的结症在此 They said, well if this is the complaint那我们就专注研究夫妇们如何探讨问题 let's research it. Let's research how couples talk about problems,彼此如何沟通 都在做些什么 how couples communicate, specificly what they're doing.基于观察结果再开发治疗方案And then let's develop treatments based on what we observe.基于此才衍生了这门学科 So that's sort of where this came out of.并不是基于必要的基础研究 It didn't come out of necessarilly basic research,而是要帮助人们的愿望 the research I'm about to describe a lot today, came out of a desire to help people,帮助人们寻找解决问题的具体方案 to find solutions, very concrete solutions.在此我们先定义一些专用词汇 Before we talk about research, let's define some terms.今天最重要的词条是 冲突And the big term today is of course, conflict.冲突是什么What is conflict?在这里我想列举 The defination I'd like to focus onKurt Lewin的定义 他是社会心理学泰斗之一 was proposed by a guy, Kurt Lewin, one of the godfathers of social psychology,非常具有学术影响力 我个人很崇拜他 personal hero of mine, very influential, acadamic.Kurt认为人是目标驱动的生物Kurt Lewin thought of human beings as goal-directed features.我们每个人都在追求各自的目标 So each of us is pursuing goals. You have your goals, I have my goals.一直以来都是如此 That's what people've been doing constantly.那么冲突又是什么呢 So, what is conflict?定义是这样的 冲突产生于 Let's read it: Conflict arises when one person pursues当一个人在追求自己目标时干涉到了别人 his or her goals and in doing so interfers with other persons' goals.人们对于这样的干涉反应不一 Responses to this interference can vary in many ways.简而言之Very simple,冲突是什么what is conflict?冲突是我追求目标的道路 Conflict is when me, working towards what I want挡住了你的去路 gets in the way of you work towards you want.

这种状态就是冲突 That state is conflict.在那个时候When me,你有你主张 you're trying to reach your goals我有我主张 而且我们不可调和 I'm trying to reach my goals and we can't coordinate them我们无法同时达到目标 so that we can both do it at the same time.冲突如此产生 That's conflict. And if that's conflict,同时在亲密关系中 冲突难以避免 it follows that in intimate relationships some conflict is inevitable.例如你我之间不见得有冲突 There is no guarantee that I'll have conflict with you,不一定非有冲突不可 necessarily.因为我们彼此没那么依赖'Cause we are not that interdependent.推而广之How about this one, even more.我永远不会与校园里的各色人等起冲突 There're all sorts of people on this campus that I'm never gonna have conflict with.因为我们的目标从来不会相互干涉 Because my goals don't cross over their goals ever.但是如果两个人越是彼此依赖 But the more interdependence you have,两个人彼此目标不一致的可能就越大 the more there's an opportunity for my goals and your goals do not coincide perfectly.良好的关系中两人的目标大多数是一致的 Of course, in a good relationship, a lot of my main goals do coincide.我跟我妻子都想再要一个孩子 It just so happens that my wife and I had a goal which is to have another child.在这一点上我们目标是一致的And that's something we share.如果我们目标不同 冲突就无可避免 Imagine that conflict had a reason if we didn't share that goal.当她有自己打算 That's a problem 'cause而我想去欧洲度假时 问题就出现了 she's pursuing her goal, I couldn't pursue my goal of doing more European vacations.以后的日子里 也别想度假了 pretty much riding off the next years or so.但如果她也想 那我们就可以去欧洲了 Could happen if she wished so at the same time.越是彼此依赖的人越是容易产生冲突 So the point is, the more interdependent you are彼此之间目标干涉的几率就越大 the more inevitable that sometimes my goals and your goals would not overlap.每一次的不合都会引起不同的冲突And every single time, it's some kind of conflict基于这个定义Now, by this defination,冲突不见得是坏事 conflict isn't a bad thing,根据这个定义 by this defination,冲突从本质上来说不是坏的 there's nothing inherently bad about conflict,因为生活便是如此 conflict is life.当交通堵塞的时候我便陷入了冲突 There's conflict everytime I go into traffic每次都是 there's conflict everytime我想回我家 你想回你家 I want to get home and you want to get home too,可我们没那么宽的路 and the road is not big enough for all of us,在家里也有类似情形发生 the same thing in the house.

例如我们看电视 There's conflict everytime we watch TV,我想看这个频道 你想看那个频道 I want to watch something and you want to watch something else.这也是冲突 That's a conflict.冲突并没有字面看起来那么恶劣 Conflict doesn't mean bad, so it's easy to missuse the language.好像一有了冲突就是世界末日 and say, well there's a lot of conflicts oh no, it's a terrible thing.冲突在本质上并不坏 By this defination, there's nothing inherently wrong about conflicts.重要的是我们如何应对冲突What matters is how we respond to the conflict situations.这就是 Kurt的主张 冲突反应千差万别 that's the point that Lewin made. Responses to this interference can vary in many ways.当我们在追求目标时忽然被挡住What we do, what we suddenly are blocked我们会怎么反应呢 from pursuing a goal that we care about.反应肯定是多种多样的 There're a lot of things we can do.设想一下当我埋头走路时 So I'm heading towards my goal我的配偶忽然出现并挡住去路 and suddenly my spouse gets in the way.这个星球上那么多人Well, of all the people on the planet,你的伴侣是最有可能碍事的那个 your partner is the most likely to get in the way,因为 TA就在你的身边'cause they are around you the most.所以说人越是相互依赖越容易起冲突 So the more interdependent you're, the more it is that your partner will be the one getting in the way.因为我们朝夕相处 Because they're around you.现在你得考虑你如何应对冲突了Now what you do about it?设想一下 好像可以有很多办法You can imagine there're lots of things to do about it.其中之一是耐心的与你的伴侣一起面对 One thing you can do is, stand and patiently wait your partner to get out of it.发怒是无济于事的Nothing you can do about it is, get mad.把问题置之不理也同样于事无补Nothing you can do about it is, find another way around.我们的反应体现了我们是否关心 The point being that, it's the response that we care about.冲突是无可避免的 The conflict itself is inevitable.就像氧气一样 我们关心的是如何应对 It affects life like oxygen. What we care about is how is conflict managed.这就是社会学习理论所讲述的内容And that's what social learning theory talked about.是否可以有效的应对冲突 The way conflict is managed决定了人们是在一个好的亲密关系里 teaches people whether they were in a good relationship还是一个坏的关系里 or a bad relationship.每一个冲突都是一个学习机会 These're learning opportunities, every time conflict arised, and will arise关于亲密关系的学习机会 it's a chance to learn something about the relationship.社会学习理论同样聚焦此处And that's social learning theory focuses on.那么研究方案是怎样的呢 Though, what's the research agenda?这些待研究的问题 So of all those conditions, sort of claiming for research关于如何控制冲突的 on how they manage conflict.这些问题的研究方案是什么呢What was the agenda?研究分两个方面 There're really two questions that come up.

第一个方面是横向对比研究 The first question is the cross sectional question.也就是在某个时间段不快乐的夫妇在做什么 In other words, at a given moment, what is it that unhappy couples are doing?他们在抱怨 The couples are complaining.他们做错了什么What are they doing wrong?快乐的夫妇在做什么What about the couples that are happy?Kurt的理论说明快乐夫妇的冲突并不少 By Lewin's defination, it's not that the couples that are happy have less conflict.但在处理冲突时的做法不同 They just must be doing something different when conflict arises.他们到底做了什么What are they doing?我们能捕捉下来吗 Can we pin it down?他们的行为到底有何特别之处What is it? Specificly and hehaviourially不快的夫妇的做为让其不快 that the unhappy couples are doing 快乐的夫妇的做为让其快乐 that is making them unhappy. And what is that the happy couples are doing这就是横向对比研究 that keep them happy. That's the cross-sectional question, that's about what's going on at a single time.另一个方面是纵向研究 But then there's the longitudinal question也更有趣一些 which you might notice it's the quetion that is slightly more interesting to this course.何种行为可以预见何种未来What behaviors predict the future of the relationship?纵向研究的有趣之处在于What's interesting about this longitudinal question is它告诉我们绝大多数夫妇在新婚伊始是快乐的 it knowledges that most couples start out happy.它的一个假设是And there's an assumption here which is that那些快乐的新人有些可以很好的处理冲突 of all the couples that start out happy, some of them are happy and also manage conflict well,也有些不能很好的处理冲突 some of them are happy and also manage conflict poorly,这些人的亲密关系很难禁得起时间的考验 and those are the ones that are gonna be vulnerable to declines over time.那么知道一点很重要 So it'll be very important to know何种行为做法可以保持快乐长久的婚姻呢 which are the behaviours, which ways managing conflict help you stay happy the longest.这两方面我们都会涉及 今天先说横向对比We're gonna talk about both of these today. Let's start with the cross-sectional question.当时的研究是如何开展的呢How did you do it?我们早前提到过 David Warren的讲座Well, we talked earlier, this is back before case by David Warren during medical lecture关于自我量情如何被证明是不充分的 about how self-report measures of behaviour quickly proved to be inadequate.早前的研究者迫切想知道这些We talked about how the early researchers did want to know,他们于是咨询夫妇们如何处理冲突 so they asked couples, how did you manage conflict?他们得到了答案And they got,这些答案没什么用因为这些夫妇也不知道 they didn't get useful answers because people don't know how to manage conflict.

快乐的夫妇说All we know is that happy couples said,是的我们只做对的事情 而不快的夫妇说 yeah, all the good things, we do them all. And all unhappy couples said,我们做的都不对 之前提到夫妇们甚至连昨晚是否做爱都无法完全达成一致 all bad things, we do those all. Since husbands and wives couldn't agree on whethe they even had sex the night before,大家还记得吧 所以单纯询问是不够的 you may recall, we realized that we can't just ask them.事实上我们开始观察他们 Forget that. What we have to do is actually watch them.观察这些夫妇We have to observe couples.这是个挑战 But that's a challenge.还要创建新的研究方法 And what has to happen was the development of new ways of doing research.以便研究伴侣之间如何交流 new ways of studying how do couples interact with each other.过去我们只是咨询他们We used to ask them,这个方法效果不佳 that's not good enough.那么应该怎么做呢Now we have to say, how we're gonna do it.研究人员开发出一个观察的标准样本 So they developed a typical paradigm to observe conflict.在前次讲座的时候我们应该已经说过了 Should be metioned before when we talked about observation of datas in medical leture.现在让我们更详细的讨论一下 Let me go over a little bit more details now.早前的研究发现夫妇有快乐的也有不快的 The early research, first of all, found happy and unhappy couples.这是通过咨询发现的 and that, they did ask people.当你想知道一个人是否对亲密关系 As we talked about, when you want to know someone is happy感到满意时 只有去问他within a relationship, basically asking them is the only way.他们询问人们 当然也可以通过报纸广告 So they asked people, OK, you can do through newspaper ad.广播通知等 请那些中意亲密关系的 or through radio announcements. You got people who say认为自己状态很好的人前来报名 I love my relationship, I'm in a terrific relationship而亲密关系不佳的人往往说 我好沮丧 And people who hate their relationship can say, we're really distressed.这些人的正面作用是推进了临床治疗事业 One good force of the distressed couples or the unhappy couples was clinic.因为在他们接受治疗的时候 咨询师会征求他们的意见 That's what they got a lot from these couples. People who are looking for therapy, they said, by the way you are looking for therapy,可否在等待的时间里做一项研究的研究样本 他们一般说 好吧反正也没事做 would you mind being in a study while you're waiting? They said, OK, sure, I got nothing to lose.现在你有研究样本了 一般来说在研究室里 Now you've got those couples, and you bring them to a research room, typical.你把他们带到研究室You bring them to your research room,并要求他们谈论一个话题 and you ask each spouse to identify a topic.我当时是这么做的And here's how I introduce my research.我要求他们每一个人列举一项不合We say, we'd like each of you to come up with an area of

disagreement in a relationship.并告知不要因为谈论这个问题引起不快We don't want this to be something that will make you uncomforable to talk about.我们无意如此 That's not our purpose.但我们所要求的也不是无关痛痒的 But we do want something with a little heat to it请谈谈你们真正在意的事情We want something that really matters to you这样你们可能真的受益 so that talking about it might benefit you.当我们这么说的时候When we say, talking about it might benefit you,事实上他们会受益匪浅 this is known as a lot.我们的真实意图在于 讨论这些真实问题可以让人们切实的 What we really care about is, what we really mean is, talking about it may actually get you to show展示真正的情感 这正是我们力图开展的 real emotions. And that's what we were trying to start.因此这样做最终受益的是我们 尽管我们没有这么说 But that's not what we say, we say, this might benefit you, what we really mean is that this might benefit us.大家还记得我放了两把椅子在这里And then I think you remember I put two chairs out here两个人分别做在椅子上 and we have two people sitting in chairs.一个在这一个在那 面对面One person here, one person there, facing each other.两部摄像机在每个人身后并朝向对方 And we have two cameras, cameras behind each person's head, pointing the other person.通过数据线把他们的影像传输到单显上 And wires from cameras connect their images to a single screen.尽管他们是面对面但我们可以在显示器上同时看到他们的脸 So we can look at their faces at the same time even though they're facing each other. And we say, all right,接下来我们请他们谈论一个话题we'd like you to talk about this problem for the next有的研究人员只给他们七分钟 It varies, some studies have them talk as little as minutes.而有些研究会长到十五分钟 I've seen studies that have them talk about a topic for as long as minutes.这样可以吗Was it OK? Could you talk about it你们彼此交流而非跟我们谈话 而且无需解释 talk to each other, don't talk to us. No need to explain yourself,别盯着摄像头说 我的蜀黍叫 Bobdon't look at the camera and say, oh that's my uncle Bob住在新泽西 我们对这些没有兴趣 我们希望你们放松交谈就像在家一样 who lives in New Jersy. We don't need to know it. Just talk to each other as if you talk to each other at home.说完我们就离开他们And then, we'll leave them,关上门让他们独处 我们观察we close the door and let them talk. We're watching them在另外一个房间通过监视器 on a small monitor in the other room, and here's what we see.你也许会疑惑 如果是你会怎么做You might ask yourself, imagine, what would you experience你在这种状况下 在一个房间里 If you were in that situation. You're in a room,在UCLA大学校园的某个地方 somewhere in the UCLA campus,你们面对面坐着 头顶一个摄像头 you're sitting in two chairs and facing each other. And there's a camera直接对着你的脸来照 right behind your partner's head, aiming right at your face.你觉得你会放松吗 会忽视那个摄像头吗 Do you think you can relax in that situation? Do you think you can just ignore the camera

会专注于对方的谈话吗 还是会 and focus on your partner really like, be in the moment? Or would you be变得很敏感 super self-conscious.有人说会变得很敏感 大家也认同是吧 Some people say, I would be super self-conscious. You think so, wouldn't you?我个人也是这么认为的 And I would think so too, I would totally expect I would be super self-conscious我没法忽视那个摄像头 in that situation. And I would not be able to forget that因为它正对我的脸 然而 there's a camera pointing at my face. But let me tell you something.事实是 人们忽略了它 People forget the cameras, like that.你可能会问这怎么可能How could it be?怎么能够忽视那个摄像头呢How could they forget the cameras?摄像头并没有掩饰 连块罩布都没有We've made no effort to hide the camera, there's not even a sheet over it.就是一个老式黑色的摄像头 It's a big old camera, it's black, it's on a podium,放在三脚架上 但是当你正坐在离你伴侣 it's on a tripod. But when you're sitting, or feet apart from四五尺开外的地方 your relationship partner, intimate partner,跟对方谈论一个话题 and there's your partner's face, you're talking about a topic and there's a camera.摄像头无法分散你对伴侣的注意力 The camera can not compete with your partner's face. Partner's face carries the day.就是这样Well, sure当然了 他们还是 But, surely people, they still知道有人会观察 所以他们也会伪装 know you're talking, so they can fake it.伪装他们的行为 我们探讨一下这个问题 They can fake their behaviour. OK, let's pursue that arguement.他们会伪装什么 你可以就此做什么What would they fake? What you can do?如果你是他 在一个房间里被录像会怎么做 What would be your motive if you were in that room, being taped by researchers,同时你还在与你伴侣聊天while you have this conversation.你会怎么说呢How are you trying to come across?你当然不会象陌生人一样说常规话题What's your name?你本来想说的是 That's right, you should want to say,我们之间的问题可不是我造成的 I'm not the one causing the problem事实上 你想说你本身并没有问题 in fact, you might want to say you don't have a problem你的亲密关系很好 you were in quite a relationship.假如你知道如何去伪装Here's the problem, if you knew how to fake一个好的亲密关系 那你就会有一个好的亲密关系 having a good relationship, you would have a good relationship.想想看 Think about it.相比而言你更愿意取悦谁Who would more motivate to please,一个研究人员还是你真实伴侣 a researcher, or you actual partner?大多数人都会选择后者Most people are more motivated to please their partner.

所以说如果他们伪装得很好 So if they could如果他们可以进行一场比平常对话 fake good, if they could sort of try to have a better conversation更顺利的谈话 than usual they would,问题在于 the problem is他们根本不知道如何去伪装 因此 that they don't know how. So the conversation that we see,我们看到的对话非常真实 are incredibly real.我们看到过人们哭泣We see people crying,在短短七分钟时间里面 and I'm saying, within minutes,还有人大喊大叫we see people shouting也有人抓狂we see people getting mad.那么这些对话与他们在家里的相比如何呢 Now, how would these compare with the conversations they had at home?有些研究中提到了这个问题 Someone asked that question. Some researchers asked the question of在研究室里观察到的行为 how did behaviours researchers observed in tha laboratory compare与他们在家里的行为相比会怎么样 我们之所以这么问 with the behaviours we might observe at home? The reason we asked the question is,是因为在研究室里 that the behaviour we observed in the laboratory,毕竟有一个监控的摄像头 a research room with a camera in it.尽管观测的行为都很鲜活真实 Those behaviours were really vivid, there were充满张力以及感情 a lot of affect, a lot of emotion.但与他们在自己家里的表现是否会有不同 What would professor see in the research room? What would people see at home?为此研究人员在把人们带到研究室 So here is what they did. They got people to come to research rooms,并让其自由谈话以后 have a conversation in the research rooms,让他们带一个便携式录音机回家 and then they said, now go home, here is the pocket tape recorder让他们把下次在家里同样激烈程度的对话录制下来 next time you feel like you guys are having a comparable heated argument or discussion,假如不介意的话 turn on the tape recorder and tape yourself if you wouldn't mind.然后把它送回来给我们 这样同一对伴侣就提供了两份数据 一份在实验室里And bring it in, we'll cord that too. So the same couples are now providing data in the research rooms一份在家里 and from home, recording an actual conversation at home.那么两者相比 哪个更为消极呢Which was more negative, in the research rooms or at home?猜得不错 在家里的对话更为消极At home, everytime. Good Guess.这意味着尽管我们在研究室里看到了很多情感 which means as much as we're seeing a lot of affect in the research rooms,这依旧低估了人们在家中的行为 it turns to be an underestimate, an underestimate of what's going on at people's homes.问题不大 只会让研究结果更保守一些 That's fine, that makes this research I've described to you conservative.说明如果我们变成苍蝇飞进家里 The implication means that we could somehow be a fly on the

wall,并把他们偷拍下来 我们要比在研究室获得更多 and videotape people in their houses, we see even more than we see here.总而言之 我们获得了很多样本 So we see a lot of stuffs, and the idea is just to say,那么快乐与不快乐的夫妇之间行为是否有差异 well, do we see differen behaviours in the happy couples than we do in the unhappy couples?这是研究重点 That's the question.是这些研究的根源 That's sort of the first question.我们如何分析我们所见到的事How do we know what we've seen?把这些录像或者录音进行编码并非易事 The problem is coding these video tapes or audio tapes is no easy task,而是很有挑战性的 is actually quite challenging.首要问题是确定要对那些行为进行编码 And one of the first challenges is deciding what to code.在这里我们先看一对夫妇的视频 So let's start to give you a video tape of a couple,他们在讨论一个问题 talking about a problem.我要你们对之量化And I ask you to quantify somehow,进行总结 to summarize somehow你该如何做呢How would you do it?基于什么呢 你有很多选择On what basis would you do it? There are a lot of choices.你可以对情绪以及文字内容进行编码You could code the emotion versus the verbal content.记录他们说什么 对于不同事物的情感表达 You can code what people say, or you can code the emotion's express due to different things.设想一下我可以说 别说啦You can imagine I could say, oh, shut up.我也可以说 闭嘴Or I can say, hey! Shut up!内容是一样的 情感却天壤之别 Those are same content, different emotion.你也可以对非语言行为进行编码You can code the nonverbal behaviour.例如我当充满好奇的看着你 I might look at you, my eyes were wondering.我是一个开发的姿势还是封闭的姿势呢Am I a open posture or a closed posture?把这个也进行编码 Code them in code sequences.对特定行为进行编码 I just have to code a specific behaviour,编码行为模式 如果一个人做某件事情另一个人会以多大可能做出特定反应 I can code patterns of behaviour. If one person does one thing, what is the chance of someone will do another specific behaviour.这些事情研究人员都做过 Researchers have done all of these. We talked about almost all of these today.还有微分析与全盘编码的差异 Other choices, the difference between microanalysis and global coding.在我拿到录像带之后 So I've got this video tape.我有两件不同的事情可以做 There are two different things I can do with it.一件事是One thing I can do with it is, say,把整个十分钟的录像带看完watch the entire minutes,假设你是实验室的助理研究员 if you're gonna be a research assistant in the lab.然后对你所看到的东西进行解读 then make reading of the whole thing.

解读这盘录像带 Read what you just saw,这就是全盘编码 that's the global coding.微分析更困难一些Microanalytic is much much harder.在这种情况下 你要编码每一个行为 In that case, we say, I want you to code every behaviour. Research in this vain,这种研究很看重谈话顺序 tends to think in terms of a speaking turn. And a speaking turn is谈话顺序是当我说话时你要听着 all the time I'm talking and both of us pay attention to my talking.我说完了轮到你说 而我来听着 And my turn ends, when you start talking, now both of us pay attention to you.在这个课堂上 我的话语回合是相当长的 So in this class, my speaking turn is very very long.而你们的就很短很短And yours are very very short.设想一下在现实中 我会说 But in an interaction, you can imagine, that I might say,你回来晚也不告诉我一声这让我很苦恼 it bothers me when you leave and don't call when you're coming late.你可能会回答说And your turn might start like,我担心在你工作时电话铃声会干扰你的注意力 well, I don't want to interrupt you because you're working when the phone rings, disattraction.这样就可以把每个人的说话分开 You can divide up one person talking, and the other person, the other person...在微分析中 我们把每个话语轮次独立编码 然后再看在交流中有多少不同的东西 And in microanalytic coding, we code each speaking turn separately. Then count up how many different things we see in that interaction.在编码这些录像带时有个准则 Regardless, when people code these tapes, there is a principle.这个准则我们让编码者记在心里A principle that we ask coders to keep in minds,这个准则是which end is this,当我对我的伴侣或任何人说话时 我一直在做选择题when I'm talking to my partner or anyone, I'm making choices all the time.所做的每一个行动都可以在录像带上看到 Every behaviour that I make, that I emit, that you can observe on these tapes,每一个行动都是一个选择 every behaviour is a choice,基于一些选项 例如你对我说 from a range of option. So let's say you say to me,亲爱的你每次刮完胡子都不冲洗脸池 我很不喜欢你把你的胡渣子留在上面 Honey, it really bothers me that you don't clean the sink after you've shaved, 'cause it's grouse, you leave your little hairs there.我怎么回答呢Now I respond, here's my responce.我该如何反应What is my response?设想一下 Imagine, this doesn't really happen,在我们编码的时候 你是一个 but when we code, imagine you are 机器人 在你头脑里你会看到 a terminator, inside your mind, you'll see一个打着不同选项的显示屏 there's a screen with all these different response options,你在期中选择一个 是这样的 and you might pick one. One response option is,我没意识到这给你带来困扰 谢谢你告诉我 Oh, I didn't realize it bothered you, thanks for letting me know,

下次我一定改进 另一个选项是 I'm gonna make sure to do it differently next time. Another option is, well,随便你 我无所谓 还有一个选项是Ok, whatever. Another option is,你怎么总是这么挑剔呢 一个洗脸池哪来那么多说道 看在上帝的份上别老烦我 you're the one, you're so picky, why are you so uptight about those sinks, for goodness, leave me alone.还有一个选项是 你把你的内衣随便扔在抽屉前 Another option is, well, if you leave your underware in front of shower,所以别跟我提什么整洁因为你才邋遢 so you shouldn't talk to me about neatness, 'cause you're the one.等等等等 That's the one.每一个行为都是一道选择题 Every behaviour is a choice, 了解选择的范畴才能理解选择的含义 and meaning of our choices depends on being aware of that range.在你编码的时候你会把何种反应认为是有建设性的呢 So when you're coding, the question is, OK, what response would be regarded a constructive response?什么样的反应是积极的呢What response would be considered a positive response?这个问题比较难回答Well, you've just disclosed an issue with me,英文没听懂一个开放而坦率说出自己顾虑的反馈 a response that was open, a response that acknowledge and validate your concerns.比一个自我保护或者谴责性的反馈更加积极 would be coded as more positive than responses that were defensive or accusatory.获得信任是很难的 难点在于 It's very hard to get reliability, the challenge is你希望大多数人看到同样的东西 that you want most of the people to see the same things.你想要培训 如果我把你们带到实验室培训一段时间 You want to train people, so that if I brought a lot of you to the lab, I trained you for a while你再看录像带的话 就会看到同样的东西 you watch the tapes, you would all see exactly the same things.但这很难 But it's tough, it's tough.设想一下 一个人对伴侣说 Imagine a couple, while one person says to the other person,你是个坏蛋You, jerk.这可能意味着 我认真的你确实很坏 That could be, I'm serious, you jerk, you're a jerk.但同样的话也可以用调侃的口吻说出来 The same behaviour, I could be sort of teasing you. Some couples kind of josh each other.你这个小坏蛋 你好坏Oh, you jerk, you crazy jerk.到底是哪种意思Which is it?很多时候都很难确切理解其含义A lot of time, the meanings is hard to tell.所以让人们对录像带含义达成共识是很难的 这是问题关键所在 So getting people to agree on what's in these tapes is very difficult. But that's the challenge,许许多多的研究者都遇到过 challenge that tons of researchers met,起初是七十年代后期的 John Godmanstarting with John Godman in the late s.他是这个领域的先驱 John Godman is really a pioneer of this work.他有哪些发现呢And what did he show? What did he reveal?在他拿到录像带以后进行编码When he actually got these tapes, coded them

把快乐夫妇与不快夫妇的行为进行对比 and compared what the happy people were doing to what the unhappy people were doing.花费了许多钱和大量的时间 It took a lot of money and took hundreds of hours.最后他发现And what did he discover? He discovered that不快乐的夫妇更为消极 unhappy couples are more negative with each other than happy couples.这可不是什么重大发现Okay, not a big surprise.换句话说 他发现不快乐的夫妇没那么积极 In fact, I'll tell you another thing he discovered that unhappy couples are less positive with each other than happy couples.这同样不奇怪Okay, not such a big surprise either.但他并没有到此为止而是继续研究 But he didn't stop there, and research on this didn't stop there at all.深入研究 They went further, they said, sure我们知道不快乐夫妇会倾向于消极而不是积极 we probably knew that unhappy couples are gonna be more negative and less positive,但当研究人员研究那些录像带时 But researchers, once you have these tapes,看那些不快乐夫妇对彼此做了什么 once you could really look at what unhappy couples are doing with each other,他们开始深入了解 能更多理性而更少感性 these researchers began to get some insights, some quite specific and less intuitive things的去审视不快乐夫妇的做为 that unhappy couples were doing that happy couples weren't doing.这是一些例子 但可不是所有的例子 Let me give you some examples. This is not an exhausted list.远远不是 It's not an exhausted list AT ALL.这只是给大家一点感觉 It just sort of gives you a flavor what some of the research did reveal但这比不快乐夫妇更消极的发现更为有趣 that was a little more interesting than unhappy couples are more negative.不快乐夫妇在讨论问题时Unhappy couples, when resolving a problem,常常陷入一种叫厨房水池的怪圈 engage them in a behaviour called, the clinicians called Kitchen-sinking.厨房水池是什么呢And you guess what's Kitchen-sinking?是指一个局部冲突弥散到你整个亲密关系里的所有事情 Kitchen-sinking is when a specific area of conflict becomes representitive of everything in your entire relationship.你们原本在谈浴室水池 So you probably have talked about cleaning the bathroom sink,突然间话题就到了我怎么对待你的母亲 甚至追溯到我们开始约会之前 and suddenly we're talking about how I treat your mother, and that thing could happen before we were going out,我哪次迟到了 一下子开始秋后算账 and the issue when I was late that time, and suddenly all issues get wrapped up.快乐的夫妇是不会这么做的Happy couples won't do that.他们总是就事论事Happy couples, if we're talking about a problem, we focus on this problem不会陷入厨房水池这种怪圈we don't throw the Kitchen-sinking there,不快乐的夫妇无法做到这点 but unhappy couples couldn't contain it, 没法把对话集中在一个话题上 their discussions turned out not to be well contained to one topic.尽管他们被要求讨论一个话题 他们总是发散讨论 Even though that's the issue they're asked to discuss, it brings a lot other issues.

不快乐的夫妇总喜欢自我总结 Unhappy couples are much more likely engaging in Self-summarizing.自我总结是什么What is Self-summarizing? Self-summarizing is自我总结的人爱强调他们自己想说的是什么 a conflict behaviour, where you say, look, what I'm trying to say is.不快乐的夫妇尤其如此Unhappy couples are very invested in self-summarizing themselves.相反快乐的夫妇喜欢总结对方说了什么 Happy couples, in contrast, are much more likely to summarize what the other person had to say.大家看到差异了吧You see the difference?不快乐的夫妇总想着表达自己的观点 Unhappy couples are focused on their own message and getting it out.总是说 我再强调一遍 我再告诉你一遍 Look, let me explain again. Look, let me tell you again.你没理解我的意思 你没在听我说什么 我要说的是 Look, you don't understand me, you're not hearing me. I'm trying to say.我要说的就是这些 This's what I'm trying to say.快乐夫妇总是说 你看看我是不是领会了你的意思 Happy couples are saying, let me see if I understand you.这里的差异是巨大的 It's a big difference.这比单纯说快乐夫妇更积极要精细一些 It's a little bit more subtle than how just happy couples are more positive.因为这指出了他们之所以快乐的原因 快乐夫妇更加乐于沟通 It's how they were more positive, happy couples are more positive in outward directed way.你可以设想 不快乐的夫妇会说What makes it subtle is, you can imagine unhappy couples say你怎么就不能好好听我说话呢 if I can only get you listen,你怎么就不理解我呢 如果你理解我咱们之间立刻就不会有矛盾分歧 if only I can get you understand, you would immediately see my point of view and the conflict would be solved.假如你还在持续自我总结 这些都不可能发生 Probably that doesn't work if you're both constantly summarizing yourself.真正的沟通来自于自我总结的反面 Actual connection comes from the opposite of self-summarizing.你应该说 你刚才说了一些话 我不知道这么理解对不对 You'd say, well, you just said something, let me see if I understand you. I'll try to summarize what you just said.我理解你的意思了没有 没有吗 没关系我们再试一次 Did I get it right? Not right? Fair enough, let's try again.这回我理解了没有 太好了我感到好开心Oh I did get it right? Oh that made me feel great,因为我理解你了 你也会很开心'cause I understand you. And that must make you feel great 因为你被理解了'cause you've been understood.而自我总结总是妨碍这一切的发生 You can see how self-summarizing gets in the way of all that.在不快乐夫妇身上总能发现预先假定 Presumptive attributions they found in unhappy couples.预先假定实在要不得Oh, Presumptive attributions, you don't want that.预先假定是什么What's presumptive attribution? Presumptive attribution是你觉得你知道别人在想什么 is when you assume that you know what the other person is thinking.

例如我说 我们为什么要去你家度假呢 I say, why should we go to your family's house for the holidays上次不是刚去过吗 这表现已经很得体了 Didn't I just go last holiday to your family's house? Wasn't that polite to your mum and everything尤其是在我不喜欢你妈妈的情况下 预先假定是这样的 even I don't like her. Here is Presumptive attribution:原来你所做的一切只是为了取悦我Oh, you were just doing that to appease me,并没有做出实质的努力而只是在做样子 you don't really make effort, you were just pretending.这太糟糕了What the,预先假定是很难缠的 Presumptive attribution is a tough one,因为这很像读心术 because it's a form of mind reading,很像我知道你在想什么一样 it's a form of I know what you're thinking.这样就阻断了交流 The problem is that shuts down communication, doesn't it?假如你所参与的对话充满了预先假定 If you're having a conversation, which is full of presumptive attributions,那你其实是在与自己对话 you're having a conversation with yourself!例如我说你并不关心我Ok, I'm saying, you don't care enough about me,虽然你送花给我 I know you give me flowers,但你只是为了前次的错事道歉 but you only did it because you were trying to apologize for that thing,你知道你做了但不愿承认 you know you did, you won't admit,你这么做只是为了...好吧我在跟我自己说话 you only do it... Well I'm talking to myself.预先假定把对方的言路断绝了 Presumptive attribution shuts down the other person because因为他别无选择 要么 the other person is only in position saying, well同意你给他的指责 either I can agree with that你强加给他的指责 accusations you actually leveled at me要么说 等等你误会我了 or I have to say, wait a minute, you got me all wrong.你没有认真的听我说什么You're not listening to me anyway.总之你知道预先假定发生了You can imagine though, presumptive attributions come up.而且发生在不快乐夫妇身上多过快乐夫妇 They come up more in unhappy couples than happy couples.不快乐的夫妇说 我知道你在想什么 我知道你为什么那样做 Unhappy couples are saying, I know what you're thinking, I know why you're doing all that.快乐的夫妇说 你在想什么呢 你为什么那样做 Happy couples say, what are you thinking? Why are you doing that?大家看到差异了吧 差异在于封闭与开放 You see the difference? The difference is in close and open.封闭意味着我知道你为何那样做所以闭嘴吧 Closed is, I know why you're doing that, so just shut up!开放的含义在于我想知道你为什么那样做Open is, I want to know why you're doing that,敞开心扉告诉我吧 open up, why you're doing that.那对你到底意味着什么What does that mean to you?快乐夫妇会问一些开放性的问题Open-ended questions are what happy couples are doing.不快乐的夫妇问的问题都无法回答Unhappy couples are doing these close-ended questions.

不快乐的夫妇有一项设问技巧A related closing technique from the unhappy couples我没放在幻灯片上 叫做带敌意的问题 is something I didn't put on the slide, something called a hositle question.这种问题看起来是个问题A hostile question is something that looked like a question,但其实没有答案 but has no real answer没有可以让谈话继续的答案 that opens the conservation up.举例来说 你当时到底在想什么 Let me give you an example of a hostile question. What were you thinking when you did that?!你其实是在指责You're not really asking.得有多傻的人才会花五百块钱买那个玩意啊 If you say, what kind of an idiot would you have to be to pay five hundred bucks for that?敌意问题的答案 That's called a hostile question because不可能是 是的 我就有那么傻 the answer isn't, oh this is the kind of idiot I have to be.我在这里指出的是 有些冲突的起因My point here is these are sort of conflict communication behaviours that并不明显但是在不快乐夫妇身上 aren't totally obivious but really distinguish in the couples要比快乐夫妇多得多 on the rate to closeness and couples that are not.还有一个问题是交叉抱怨Another example Cross-complaining,有点象条件反射 kind of more intuitive if someone says,例如有人说 亲爱的我有个问题 honey, you know I have an issue我不喜欢你把我们共处的时间用来看电视 I don't like the way you're watching television and night is time when we could be together.如果是快乐的夫妇则会说 好吧让我们谈谈这个问题Well a happy couple says, all right, you raised the issue, let's talk about that issue.你希望我做点别的什么 或者你想做什么呢What is it that you like me to do differently or what is it that you're missing让我们共同探讨一下 Let's talk about it, that's the issue.交叉抱怨的夫妇会说 你不说我都忘了 Cross-complaining is to say, oh that reminds me, I've got an issue too.你个混蛋 你从来不给我一点空间 You're an egg, you never gave me a tight little space or whatever.交叉抱怨与自我总结有类似之处 Cross-complaining again is sort of related to self-summarizing idea两人纠结于各自的问题 two people were so wrapped top in their own issues,想找出解决方法 and getting their own issues out 但和对方的主题毫不相干 that can't connect to open to each other's issues.你叫什么名字 DanielYes, what's your name? Daniel.是有关系的 That's related.和交错抱怨阐述的是同一类问题You can image cross-complaining to be a similar topic.比如 整洁这个问题 So if it's about neatness,你可以指责我不够整洁 我可以反驳 you don't like how neat I am and I say,你也不先看看你自己 actually I don't like how neat you are."厨房水池"比较发散 But kitchen-sinking is about expanding.可以涉及各种问题 It's about expanding the topics to all these different issues.

但这两种是相关的 But they're related, these are all related."处方"也很隐晦 Prescription. Prescription is also subtle.只是直接命令人们做什么 Prescription is simply telling people what to do.恰恰相反 没人愿意被指使And guess what? Nobody likes to be told what to do.表达要求有很多种方式Now it's subtle because there's way to say what you need.你可以直接表明意愿You can say what you need in relationship.你可以说 我想你多花时间陪我You can say, you know, I need more time with you.我想要更多时间跟你独处 I want more time alone with you.我渴望那样 I want that.但这种方式是直接表达你的要求 But that's opening yourself up, that's disclosing your needs.属于开放性的 That's opening."处方"则是比较封闭 Prescription tends to close."处方"是直接命令你做什么 Prescription is when you say, you know what you do?比如你得聪明一点 好好表现You need to wise up, shape up or shape on.或者可以更具体 比如说命令你Or it can be more subtle. You know what you need to do?不准玩电脑 不准看电视You need to stop doing on the computer, you need to stop watching TV花多点心思在我身上 and you need to pay attention to me.是命令你需要做什么 That's telling you what you need, that shuts you down. 也许你会对此没有意见Maybe you don't have the different idea of what you need.开放和封闭是不同的 The difference in opening and closed is,开放不会出现"处方"问题 open says, open avoids prescription,他会说 我知道我要什么Open says here is what I need, how do I feel what you need?我怎么才知道你要什么呢What do you need?"处方"会告诉你需要做什么 Prescription will tell you what you need,乖乖听着就行 so you shut up.现在看来 So, we come along,实验并没有那么简单 you see how the research isn't as simple as at all不快乐的夫妇更加消极 as unhappy couples were just more negative消极的原因只是不快乐吗which would be attribute result I agree,实际里面有更深的逻辑 and actually got a lot deeper than that.随着实验开始了解夫妇实际情况后 As people got into listening to what couples were actually doing那么此实验就有革命性的意义 it became actually revolutionary research.实验不仅仅研究夫妻行为 But they don't just look at behaviors.还真正关注了一系列的行为模式 Some of they really also look at sequences, patterns of behaviors.录像中只能看到个体行为 So, review the video tape, you're just seeing behavior, behavior, behavior...但十分钟后 情况开始转变You can see, over the course of ten minutes, something developed.会出现冲突升级和减弱You can see escalation of conflict or de-escalation of conflict.实验发现And what they found is不快乐的夫妇更死板 行为可以预知 that unhappy couples are more rigid and predictable.这意味着什么What does that mean? It means不快乐的夫妇陷入了 that unhappy couples fell into cycles

由冲突造成的循环中 that their trouble breaks out of.这有个实验具体统计意义 So, for example, the way this work is done quite complicate statistically观察每个潜在的消极行为时 is I look at every single, let's say, negative coded behavior经过十分钟谈话 负面情绪就会出现 negative speaking turn in your ten minutes interaction.每当我消极时 就能估算出And for every time I'm negative, I can compute for a couple 夫妻另外一方也出现消极情绪的概率 the statistical probability that your next behavior 以及积极和中立情绪的概率will be also negative or neutral or positive. 就拿刚才的例子来说 To give you one example for one study,我能够算出 当我是消极 I can compute the statistical probability 对方也是消极的概率值 that if I'm negative, you are negative also.不快乐的夫妇 消极情绪会相互影响 Unhappy couples that the probability of negative reciprocity,也就是说 夫妻一方消极情绪 the probability that one person is negativity会传递到另一方的行为中 was followed like a reaction, like a reflex by another negative behavior from another partner这种情况下 消极概率更高was significantly higher.不快乐夫妻间会出现负作用 Implication being less flexibility, more他们很少变通 reflexive reactions is in unhappy couples都听懂了吗Does it make sense? So, imaging试想下不快乐夫妻会怎么做 the difference in unhappy couples, the unhappy couple says 比如你说你惹到我了 我会强烈回应 you say something pisses me off, I respond by striking back你肯定也没想到我态度强硬 I strike back and you don't think about it.快乐的夫妇 特别是快乐的妻子Happy couples, and specially happy wives据我估计 I don't know why, actually I makes many speculations of them.快乐的妻子在丈夫消极时会采取中立行为 Happy wives, in particular were observed following partner negatives with neutral behaviors.想想这也是种技能 Think about that as a skill.如果你的配偶说 你昨晚真让我厌烦Your partner says, you really pissed me off last night.这是种批评 没人喜欢被批评 That's a criticize. Nobody likes to be criticized.那我该如何回应 眼前屏幕展开了How do I respond? Screen opens up,显示出一系列选择 有消极的 of behavior range of choices. Some were negative,有中立的 也有积极的 some were neutral, some were positive.选哪个呢Which do I pick?如果我是不快乐的夫妻 I'm unhappy couples,会直接选择消极行为 the screen popped out will go right into negative.你厌烦我了是吧 我也厌烦你了 I piss you off, you piss me off!快乐的夫妻处理这种情况时Happy couples were doing something takes a lot of effort,会花很多功夫 takes a lot of effort.比如 我让你厌烦了吗 To say, I piss you off,那么 让我们一起解决它OK, let's address it.来谈谈是什么让你讨厌我What piss you? Let's talk about it,当然 这不是件容易的事 not an easy thing to do.

但这有什么好处 But what did they get you?会带你从消极循环中走出来What they get you is it brings you out of negative cycles.试想下 如果任何关系都像巴以关系 'Cause imaging if every relationship is like Israelites and Palestinians 一直处于争吵中的话\Nthat have field in their quarrels’.比如你拿东西扔我 我也要打回去You throw bottle at me, I throw bottle at you.好吧 放马过来吧 棒极了Great! Now you can throw bottle back at me. Terrific!这是什么情况 是种挑衅啊How did you say? The challenge!如果你不想你的关系太混乱 In a few situations, you don't want your relations become confused.就需要有人提出要走出这恶性循环 It's to break out of it, it's to be the one and says, OK, I'll break the cycle of negativity.快乐的夫妻处理这种事更在行Happy couples were able to do it better.因为消极情绪不会引起多米诺效应 Happy couples are negative didn't automatically cause a domino effect of negative...回到刚才的例子You see that issue?快乐的夫妻会说 负面情绪是吧Happy couple will go, OK, fine! Negative?我知道了 我不喜欢这样Yes, I got it, I didn't like it.现在我们远离它把 But now we're out of it.不快乐的夫妻会花更多时间摆脱它 And unhappy couples took longer to exit negative exchangers.他们一直纠缠 They were just in the negative part.消极情绪不断累积 They exchange negativity, back, forth... the bad part情况就越来越糟糕 took a longer to say wait a minute...这下才意识到该停下了 Let's get out of there for a second.接下来将一些免费意见 That leads to free advice.不要把中立行为变为消极行为 Don't be the one to convert a neutral behavior into a negative behavior.不要成为第一个推到多米诺骨牌的人Don't be the one that knock down the first domino因为你知道会发生什么 because you know what happens...我觉得这很有意思 This is a pretty interesting stuff, I mean, in my opinion,因为行为本来能准确分析 and what makes it interesting is a close-analysis of behaviors that we don't all 但通常我们不能那么做 always analyze closely.不能准确分析的原因是And what the reason we don't analyze closely is 这些行为的发生往往夹带着我们的情绪we're usually emotional when these behaviors happen.夫妻发生冲突 这不是在比拼头脑We're not in an analytical frame of mind having this conflict to our partners.我们会激动 可能会受伤We were aroused, may be hurt.有时忧愁 有时急躁 有时又沮丧We were sadden, we're anxious, we're distressed那时候就不会认为 and that's not a good time to think"厨房水池"有多么有趣 how interesting when kitchen-thinking.多么有趣的概念Oh, how interesting! You know, this is so summarizing.好了 现在回到录像Now, we're in it.一旦有足够的信息 我们就能Once this videotape started collecting, people

看出这些夫妻在干什么 can actually see what were the couples doing.不快乐夫妻的行为 The subtlety of what it is unhappy couples doing可以具体地表现出来were able to be described.现在谈谈"逃脱条件反射"Which leads to escape conditioning.Tom有讲过逃脱条件反射的强制论 Did Tom talk a little bit about coercion theory of escape conditioning或有讲过学会学习论 or talk about social learning theory?我们也会讲到Yeah, we'll talk about it too.Albert吗 Arthur 怎么了Albert? Arthur... So sorry.是这样 ArthurOh, fair enough, Arthur.Arthur说他试了好几种方法 So, Arthur says he tries some of these, good for you当然在家试很容易 first of all, action cut for trying this at home.他说没有效果An he said it did not work.他妻子说 不要把心理学用到这里来 He said his partner said, stop using all that psychology. Well.这一点很有意思 It raises an interesting point会让别人觉得我讲这个课which is let's say you're an actual professional psychologist就是为了赚钱who lectures on this topic for money.家里尝试每次都有效果吗Does that mean that every interaction at home就像 唱着歌落到你指边似的 happens like a little singing like birds lying on their finger不 我不能保证每次都能成功No, no, I would not say that goes perfectly every time,所以也不能保证Arthur每次都成功 and didn't go perfectly every time for Arthur.这有个很宽泛的问题And the question is, well, it's a broad question.如果我们知道怎么做并且付诸行动 If we do this all right, if we know what to do and we do it,夫妻关系就不会出问题吗 is that a magic key that makes our relationships perfect?当然不是 为什么呢No, and why not?我来说说原因吧Well, I'll talk about why not.这是个宽泛的问题 先从这点入手 I mean, it's such a broad question. I just slowly put it out of there,再研究其余的部分 and led the rest for a while. It's a great question,这个是个最基本的问题 it's kind of fundamental question, we will get that.现在 来看看这个问题的另外一方面\NFor the time being, let's talk about, let’s touch on other sort of questions of this topic为什么这些情况会发生which is, oh, why does this happen.我会告诉你们 I tell you the difference between "自我总结"和"交替抱怨"的区别 that self-summarizing, you know you don't wanna do that,当然这都是你们不愿发生的 cross-complaining, you don't wanna do that.我没听到过有人认为交替抱怨很棒 I don't hear anyone reasons, like I say, no, wait a minute, cross-complaining is excellent.比如 我喜欢封闭的 比开放棒多了 No, no, no, I like the close thing, it's much better than the open thing.我的意思是开放可能会有趣些 I mean, maybe some of those are interesting but again,但会涉及到更复杂问题 it does strike in these rocket science,虽然说了很多有道理的话 I think it strikes in like, oh, yes, of course, I say a lot in it,

但仍可能解决不了问题 oh, yes, I make a lot sense.Arthur尝试过了 他应该明白的 Arthur will agree with it so much that when I went home and tried it.问题是为什么我们还需要做其他事 So the question is that why we would do anything else,为什么还要做其他事why would ever do anything else对另一半坦诚相待 不要交叉抱怨 except be totally open to all partners, to not cross-complain.这么还不够吗 But why?社会学习理源于行为主义 The social learning theory comes out of behaviorism.由 B. F. Skinner 提出 他主张 The social learning theory comes out of, sort of B. F. Skinner's, ideal that我们会做有报酬的事we do what's rewarding不去做受到惩罚的事 and stop doing what's punished.社会学习论主张 So, the social learning theory had to say that ultimately最终我们会无意识的加强夫妻双方的行为 we must somehow inadvertently reinforce each other's behaviors如果没有达到目的 妻子会继续吼我\NMy partner would egg me if it didn’t work.这属于一种特殊的模式And it did, some people were talking about a particular pattern,被称为"要求退缩"模式 called the demand withdraw pattern.Tom讲过这种模式吗Did Tom talk about demand withdraw pattern?好吧 我会再讲一遍Well, I'll talk about it again.它是一种特别的循环模式Demand withdraw pattern is a particular sequence由临床心理学家观察不快乐的夫妇提出的 that the clinical psychologists start to observe unhappy married couples.它是这样的 The sequence is based on this.夫妻一方 通常是由妻子One partner, frequently the wife提出要求 has a demand,希望寻求改变 asks for change, asks for some.丈夫 作为另一方 不愿回应此要求 The other partner, frequently the husband, does not want to give into the demand.所以就选择逃避 So, reacts by withdrawal.比如 如果我要你改变 If I ask you for change,但你却逃避退缩 and you withdraw.剩下我还能怎么办What positions that leaves me in?我只能选择更大声地要求你 This leaves me in the positions asking again louder.如果你第一次就不愿改变 But if you didn't want to change in the first time,而现在我更大声地要求你 now I'm asking more straight and fashion我只能说 好吧 我会改变的You want to go into the... suddenly, oh, yeah, I'll change.如果第一次就这样 就会不断逃避下去 So, if you withdrew the first time, you will withdraw more.所以"要求退缩"模式会形成恶性循环 So the demand withdraw pattern becomes the cycle夫妻一方不断要求对方改变 of one partner increasingly strikes in that person's demands for change,而另一方一次又一次回避这些要求 and other partner increasingly withdraw from the relationship trying to escape from these demands.

这就不断加强了夫妻双方的行为And the problem is that can become mutually reinforcing.可能 Tom之前有讲过这个故事吧 The story that Tom likes to tell which maybe he told you already,就是妻子对丈夫说 imagine that one women says to her husband,我希望你多花点时间陪陪孩子 you know, I need you be more involved with the kids.多些时间照顾孩子 I need you be more involved taking care of the kids.丈夫会说 没问题的And he might say, sure,但还是像原来那样 没有改变 and then not change the behaviors at all.之后会发生什么What happens?妻子得到了丈夫的承诺 She got sure out of them.这让妻子满意 因为她要求丈夫改变 That's the rewarding, she asks him for change,丈夫同意了 and he rewarded it by saying, yes, I'll do it.丈夫发现他可以暂时同意He realizes that advice says yes, I'll do it,但之后不去做 and I don't do it.这样至少可以让妻子少唠叨几分钟 She will stop talking at least for a few minutes.对丈夫而言 不付诸行动是有好处 So, that's great too. He gets rewarded for not doing it.过段时间后 妻子发现丈夫还是老样子 But, of course, after time passes, she realizes it doesn't change.她只有更大声地要求他 She has to say something a little bit louder.丈夫又会说 好吧 这次我会做And he can say, well, OK, this time I will do it.这下妻子认为 这样做真有好处 She says, finally, Oh, I guess that takes to be rewarding.当我大声要求时 他就会去做了 I got the acquiesce from him when I spoke a little loudly.丈夫则认为And he says,只要立刻屈服 麻烦就结束了 all I have to do is immediately give in and stop the conversion就不会被妻子烦了 这太好了 and I will escape the conversion, that's terrific!至于之后是否去做 那就再说吧 But just not sure require change.事情正如你所见You see what is going.妻子尝到了甜头 声音一次比一次大 Overtime she gets rewarded for being louder and louder and louder.丈夫认为让她闭嘴的最好方法And he is rewarded for withdrawing就是给出承诺 但不会去履行它 like shutting it up that actually isn't making any changes.妻子不停唠叨 虽然并不是她本意 And soon, she's nagging which is not something she wanted to do,丈夫则想尽快结束麻烦 he wanted some other receiving end of...所以他逃避问题means he's totally shut down and withdrawn虽然这也并不是他本意 是妻子逼他的 which is not something he wants to do and is something she asked to do.恶性循环这样慢慢形成 But the cycle starts small and becomes reinforcing.都听明白了吗 Some make sense?我们可以看到当人们选择逃避时 Can you thought of, see, how those little patterns can be reinforcing这些小问题是怎样夸大的when people say, you know, I don't have time for those right now.任何逃避退缩的行为都会导致问题的恶性 So anything that allows me to escape the situation is reinforcing.

即使从长期来看并不是我想要的结果 even if in the long run it is not what I want to do这就是社会学习论 That is the social learning theory action社会学习论解释了 that how social learning theory explains some of the恶性循环的起源 都明白吗 the genesis of these negative cycles. Does that make sense?这里有一九八零年到现在 So, we have, we have a lot of data几乎所有的资料 from th mostly. A lot of data.把快乐的和不快乐的夫妇的表现区分开来 Looking at happy and unhappy couples are really picking it apart.他们的做法有何不同呢 What is it that unhappy couples are doing differently from happy couples?关于此有很多数据A lot of data on that.研究人员 主要是临床医师Well, researchers, mainly clinicians,只是告诉人们该做什么 告诉他们快乐夫妇在做什么 just teach people what to do, teach them what happy couples were doing.Author指出这并不非常管用否则就不会再有问题 Of course Author pointed out that it didn't work so well or we'll get there.问题在于横向研究并没有证明 The problem is that the cross sectional research doesn't actually prove行为导致结果 that the behaviours cause the outcome.可能是愉快的心情反映到了行为上 It could be that happy couples being happy caused the behaviour.他们并没有证明有何种方式可以永葆快乐 They hadn't actually proved that if you behave in a certain way, that keeps you happy所以需要更长时间跨度的研究 To do that, you had to do longer term of research.于是人们开始了长周期的研究 So people start to do it, of cause it took longer.人们开始寻找那些快乐的 People start to do it, start to get couples who were happy,新婚夫妇 newly wed couples,带到研究室里面进行观察 bring them into the research rooms, observe them.这是他们首先观察到的 那些是我们观察到的 Here is the first thing they observed, those are reversing that WE observed.这也是我初次进入这个行业 So, this is where I entered the picture.我们观察新婚夫妇 这个我们在第一节课提过 We observed that newly weds, I think I mentioned this the very first day,他们都很快乐 are all pretty happy.他们的快乐都很集中而且程度最高 So the range of their happiness, is very narrow and all calstered at the top of scale.即便是其中最差的依旧是很快乐的 The least happy new weds are still pretty happy.但如果考虑他们是否能够有效解决问题 你得到一个很大的分水岭 But, if you observe how effectively they solve problems, you get a big split.新婚夫妇都很快乐Newly weds were all happy,有些是因为新婚而且处理冲突 some of them are happy newly wed and also they resolve conflicts也很得体 倾听并理解对方 这很美妙 in a beautiful way with openness, listening and summarizing the other person, that's gorgerous.

其他同样快乐的新婚夫妇Other newly weds, just as happy,同样深爱彼此 但当你把他们领到研究室里 just as in love with each other, when you actually put them in a room and say, Ok,让他们随便谈论阿猫阿狗 他们就开始自我总结 now talk about a problem, cats and dogs. They're self-summarizing,开始消极 交叉抱怨 总之表现很差 they're negative, they're cross-complaining, you name it. They can't do it well.这个现象很有趣 That's interesting.通常我们可以预见Well though, we might assume,负面的行为导致负面的结果 that negative hehavious should predict negative outcomes, right?具有负面行为的夫妇 The negative behavious, the couples are negative在新婚夫妇里相对脆弱 关系倾向于随时间恶化 as newly weds, those are fragile couples, those are couples likely to decline overtime,更可能离婚 Leo你有什么问题吗 and more likely to divorce. Leo?Leo问到如何分辨快乐夫妇口述的快乐 Leo's question is, how can you tell difference between how happy they really are与他们真实快乐的区别 versus how happy they're telling you they are?我认为不管是谁告诉我的My answer to that is, I don't think which one they said,只要他们说他们很快乐 我就相信 if they tell me they're happy, I believe it.如果他们并不快乐他们随后会反映'Cause couples later would tell us if they're unhappy.不快乐的夫妇都会说的 即便新婚夫妇也如此 Couples tell us when they're unhappy, and even newly weds tell us they're unhappy.假如你持续关注同一对夫妇 他们会告诉你他们很快乐 If you follow overtime, the same couple will tell you that they're happy,随后也会说他们又不快乐了 and later will tell you they're unhappy.我们本来也试图预测这种变化 So that's a real change that we're trying to predict.我不怪他们对我说谎 I don't accuse people of lying to us,我看不到责怪有什么意义 I don't see a point in it.回到刚才的问题 So the fair question,研究的初衷在于 so the question for launch of this research, this issue, was是否负面的行为预示了负面的结果 do negative behaviors predict negative outcomes?很多研究会与你的预测吻合 And there were a number of studies that would show exactly what you would predict:最消极的夫妇关系下滑得最快 the most negative couples had the most declines. 最消极的夫妇最有可能离婚 The most negative couples were the most likely to divorce later.跟大家的预期是一致的 Just what you expect.但不是所有的研究都支持这个结论 The problem is that not all studies found this.年Gottman与KrokoffSo Gottman and Krokoff in ,他们把选好的夫妇带进实验室 did a research where they brought established couples into the lab.测量他们的情感表达And they measured their expressions of the emotion,测量他们的独有感受 they measured their specific affect.Gottman罗列了五种负面情感 So Gottman's people looked at five negative affects:悲哀 愤怒 蔑视 焦虑还有一个我忘了 sadness, anger, contempt, anxiety, and there's a fifth one,

I can't remember.他们发现What they found was that在同一时刻 cross-sectionally, in another word, at one moment,快乐夫妇表现最少的负面情感 the happiest couples show less these negative affects.不快乐的夫妇则表现得更多And unhappy couples show a lot more these negative affects.听起来不错 但他们还指出 Sounds great. But what they showed is, in that study,长远来看 早期曾表达过愤怒的妻子们 that over time, when the wives had been angry即便相比而言她们的快乐较少 earlier, even though there was so less happiness earlier,但长远来看下降得也较缓慢 over time, the angry wives declined less,在这点上她们表现不错 they actually did better.她们的婚姻还过得去 Those marriages did Okay over time.这是为什么 愤怒反而使婚姻更好What? Anger predicts better outcomes, what?事实上大家 In fact, that study was curticized经常批判他们的研究结果 often and *包括我在内 by me and others.我们说这个研究太差劲了We say, oh that study was really badly run study, 样本糟糕 统计谬误 一无是处 sampling was terrible, statistics was awful, stinky stuff.我们于是做了一个我们认为更好的研究 So we did a study, a better study.我们以新婚夫妇而非订婚的人为研究对象 We started with newly weds, not established marriages.他们只跟踪了一年We followed them for not a year, they study a year,我们持续研究五年we study four years.他们不该把两个样本合并处理 They combined two samples which they shouldn't really do,我们为每对新婚夫妇建立独立样本we had one single sample of newly weds.这个研究好很多 我引以为荣Much better study, I'm really proud of this.然而令人沮丧的是 我们的结果是类似的And to my disappointment, we got similar results.在新婚夫妇中发现的一些消极行为 Or some of our negative behaviour codes, among the newly weds,反而预示一个舒缓的衰减和稳定的满意度 seemed to predict shallower decline, more stable satisfaction over time.这是怎么回事Why?我百思不得其解 I wonder这怎么能正确呢 how can that be right?没道理啊How could it ever be true难道发脾气反而有理了 that getting angry at someone is a good thing?大家有什么想法Any thought of it?这位同学你叫什么名 KellyWhat's your name? Kelly.Kelly提到一个很有趣的观点 That's really an interesting idea. Kelly says,发脾气表明他们之间起码比较放松 the willingness to express some anger reflects comfort with each other.他们有话就会直说 They're comfortable to say, hey I don't have to pussy foot around,当我很生气的时候会说* If I have to say,你知道吗 我很生气 hey, you know what, I'm angry!因为我知道你是爱我的 我们很亲密 Because I know you love me, we're close

我不担心生气会破坏我们的亲密关系 and I'm not threatened by that.Kelly说的比较有趣 我们再听 Mike说什么 Interesting idea Kelly. Ok, why don't hear from Mike.我复述一下Mike的话 Let me try to restate Mike's.Mike说 So Mike says,生气的意思存在个体差异maybe there're individual differences in the meaning of anger,也许对有的人来说不是一件坏事maybe for some couples, anger doesn't mean a bad thing,尽管你不舒服 and you didn't comfort that.但一种行为的含义是因人而异的 DanYou know, one behaviour doesn't always have the same meaning for all couples. Dan?Dan说的非常有意思Oh, Dan very interesting idea, here's what Dan says.他说也许新婚夫妇Dan says, maybe in the newly weds,生气而直白的表达情感 by getting angry and expressing honestly the emotion about an issue,可以简洁的解决掉问题 杜绝了 they're nipping that issue on the bud. They're preventing that issue from问题变得严重的隐患 那些压抑怒火worse later, but couples who in contrast suppress anger or 不愿意表达消极情感的夫妇 问题迟早 suppress negative feelings were not willing to talk about a problem. Well, that problem might fester会找到他们 这观点很新颖 and bite them later, interesting idea,很有趣 Whietvery interesting idea. Ok, Whiet.Whiet所说的是这样的 Interesting, so Whiet disclosed so much and said,总是积极这实在很难maybe it's just taxing to have to be positive all the time,这比偶尔消极一下的婚姻更难以为继 and so the people who are positive all the time presumely decline more than people who let it all hang out.这与Kelly的观点类似 Similiar to Kelly's arguement.这很有趣What's an interesting idea!你们所说的观点都很有意思And all these are interesting ideas and they're all discussed.同样的话题也早被研究人员讨论过了 they are all discussed by the people who are sort of talking abou these findings.有个观点在书里被反复提及 The one we discuss the most in the literature,同样也是Krokoff的假定 the one that got Krokoff, for example, presumed,也是Dan刚刚提到的观点 is the idea that Dan shared with us,就是说谈论我的困扰尽管会带来短痛 the idea that even though there's short term pain in talking my difficult issues,但在长期来看回报更多 there maybe long term gain in talking about them.因为提出问题才能意识到问题的存在 Because by talking about difficult issues, you address them,才有可能解决问题 you resolve them.你选择不说那就永远无法解决 If you never talk about them, you never resolve them,这个观点既是如此 at least that's the idea.但也有人说 能注意一下表达方式吗 But other people came back and said, yeah but can't you talk about it in a nice way,躺在爱人怀里然后发飙这的确不是件好事 I mean surely it can't be positive to sort of lay into your partner and get angry.

这些是消极行为编码 These are negative codes.该如何着手呢What to do?假定你是研究人员Well, if you're researcher,你要多做研究来解决困惑 and there are these kinds of controversy, you want to resolve them by doing more research.我们于是做了 这是最新研究结果 So we did, this is a very recent study是由 Tom带领我们做的 那时我还是个学生 that was done in Tom Bradbury's lab with Tom and some students including myself, at that time I was a student.样本是初次结婚的对新人 newlywed couples in first marriages, you got this homogenous group.研究思路是这样的Here is the idea, the idea to try to resolve this controversy我先透漏一下 这个研究并没有完全解决上述困惑 was that, by the way, I'll tell you in advance, this doesn't totally resolve the controversy at all,但往前迈近了一步 我不想王婆卖瓜 just get a step close, I don't want to oversell.我们试图预计在四年范围内婚姻满意度的变化率 We were trying to predict slopes or rate of change in marriage satisfaction over four years.新婚夫妇都是很快乐的 The question is that you got newlyweds, they're all pretty happy,哪些人会一直快乐 哪些会下降少少 which one stay happy versus which one decline a little bit versus哪些会有很大变化 我们试图找出来which one decline a lot. That's what we're trying to predict.具体做法是What they did was, 把录像带编码两次 they coded the tapes twice,一次编码情感 once calling for emotion另一次编码文字内容 and once calling for the verbal content.两次编码的形式可以把情感与内容分开 They coded twice to separate those things.一边是你说什么 一边是你怎么说 There is what you say and there's how you say it.有人说 这是个问题 They're saying: this is a problem,也有人说 你个混蛋 现在你有麻烦了 and they're saying: this is a terrible problem, you jerk!两句话内容仿佛但其中的一个带有很大情绪 There're two different things, one of them has a lot of affects, even though in both cases you're saying it is a problem.问题是如果你分割来看And the question is, if you separate these things,它们彼此会相互影响吗 do they interact?换句话说 如果内容消极 In other words, is there difference between being negative in your contents但情绪积极 这会不同吗 but positive in your affect?你说什么What does that mean?人们如何带着正面情绪来表达负面内容 How can you be negative in your content and positive in your affect?这是可能的 你说这是个问题 It's possible. You say, look, this is a problem,尽管我很抓狂但我依旧爱你 I'm mad at you but I can also in the next sentence to say, but I still love you,你是我的小疯子 大笨蛋 you crazy lug, you big gallute这类的话 or whatever.我们于是按照此法进行研究 So that's what we did,不同内容与情绪的组合结果 we tried to look at how different combinations of positive and

negative affect emotion,如何影响新婚夫妇在随后日子的婚姻满意度 and positive negative verbal content predict the slope of these newlyweds satisfaction over time,这就是我们的研究结果 and look what we found.我们发现What we found is this,我们把新婚夫妇分成负面内容少 if you divide the newlyweds up into lower, not a lot of negative content与负面内容多两种 or a lot of negative content以及正面情绪少以及正面情绪多两种 and not a lot of positive affect and a lot of positive affect.我们发现所有组合满意度都随时间衰减 What we find is, most of these groups have just a regular decline.对于新婚夫妇来说这是很普遍的 This is just stanard for newlyweds, you decline a little bit,随时间一点点的衰减 step by step *.这一组下滑得很厉害 The group that was really declining这一组是消极内容多was the group that had a lot of negative content积极情感少的夫妇 and not a lot of positve affect.换句话说 In other words,他们谈话内容比较消极 look at this, the group that had a lot of negative content,这组的人会说 我们有麻烦了 in other words, they said, look there's some problem here,而且是大麻烦 我们得谈谈we have some serious problems, we're here to talk about them.但如果这些人同时也有积极的情感 But if this group also had high positive affect.积极的情感是什么What is positive affect in the study?本研究列举了三种积极情感 幽默 共情 兴趣 There were three affects: humor, affection, and interest in the other person,幽默 共情 兴趣 humor, affection, and interest.如果你的消极内容较多 If you had high negative content,但你同时对你伴侣表达了幽默 共情 兴趣 but you were able to express at the same time humor, affection, and interest in your partner.如果你排除万难的做到了 If you manage to walk that tight road, thread that needle,那你的满意度与那些负面内容多的人相同 your trojactory over four years looked the same as people who didn't have high negative content,而他们从未被这个问题困扰过 people who didn't have the same kind of problems.这个结果足够有趣Oh that's interesting.尽管没有彻底解决这个问题 That doesn't totally resolve the problem但说明消极的人依旧可以有较好的婚姻质量 but does suggest that you can be negative and protect your matrial quality.换句话说 It's possible if you also, this's actually expressed in a different way,好吧 你很消极 这不是好事Yes, if you're negative, it's bad.但如果你在情绪上也不积极 But it's especially bad那就糟透了 if you also aren't positive,因为已经没有积极因素的空间 if the negativity squeezes out the positivity.如果你有消极情绪 不妨直说出来You can have the negativity, address that negativity,遵照Dan的建议 do follow Dan's advice就事论事 and address the real issues, follow

这是Kelly的建议Kelly's advice最后告诉对方 我不怕把消极的一面暴露给你 and say, hey, I'm comfortable with you and I'm not afraid to be negative with you.因为我在你面前不设防 But if I'm really comfortable with you and I'm not afraid to be negative with you.我当然希望自己可以积极一些 是吧KellyI'd better be positive with you, right? Kelly?如果我能做到 If I can do that,那么积极的情绪可以消除消极冲突的影响 positive emotion can override the effects of negative conflicts,消除冲突中的负面言论 negative content during conflict.为什么呢Why?积极的情感对于谈话有何益处呢 What does humor, interest and affection contribute to the conversations?积极的情感暗示着什么呢What's the message? What's the message you're sending?在冲突的时候 If in the moment of conflict,你身陷最为消极的事情当中moment you are dealing with the most negative things,但你同时也可以说 you're able to say at the same moment知道吗 我依旧爱你 hey, I still love you即便我们在争吵 in this moment I love you.这传达了一个强有力的信息 That sends a powerful message. And the message is爱比冲突更为重要 the love matters more than the conflict.我们不喜欢冲突 It says this conflict, I don't like it我们不喜欢意见不合 the disagreement? No, I don't like it.但我要提醒你我们感情基础是很牢靠的 But it's resting on our solid foundation and I'm reminding you of this foundation即便我们在争吵 你觉得呢 even in the mist of this. How do you like that?冲突可能对我影响很大 The conflict maybe matters to me a lot,也可能很重要maybe really important to me.但远不如联接你我的正面情愫来得重要 But it's not as important as positives that connect us.所要传递的信息就是这些 That's the message,但这没那么容易做到 not an easy thing to do,我奉劝大家尝试一下 下课 but I invite you to try it, class is dismissed.