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No. 4 February 2005 Hear no motion Pass no motion Union AGM Report — p.7 See no motion DAVID RENTON Under Attack He’s your Education and Welfare Officer, paid by College. And lots of people think he’s crap - p.3 THIS MONTH AT LEAST YOU COULD STILL GO AND HAVE A FAG AFTERWARDS NUS Referendum UCL Union bravely lies down to NUS - p.2 Pi Must Die The magazine is in dire need of reform - p.4 Heaven accused of ‘dumbing down’ Is God lowering standards for your soul? - p.5 Girl finds dignity On the pavement of Gordon Street - p.6 PLUS! More cartoons. Tommy the Post-Nuclear Cat, Genghis the Crack Bunny and the fearsome Student Squad. From Haringey.

Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 4

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In this issue: UCL's NUS referendum; Pi Media investigation; Education and Welfare Sabb comes under attack; David Attenborough's new student documentary; Tommy the Post-Nuclear Cat.

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Page 1: Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 4

February 2005 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 1

No. 4 February 2005

Hear nomotion

Pass nomotion

Union AGM Report — p.7

See nomotion

DAVID RENTONUnder AttackHe’s your Educationand Welfare Officer,paid by College.And lots of peoplethink he’s crap - p.3

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

THIS MONTH

AT LEAST YOU COULD STILL GO AND HAVE A FAG AFTERWARDS

NUS ReferendumUCL Union bravely liesdown to NUS - p.2Pi Must DieThe magazine is in direneed of reform - p.4Heaven accused of‘dumbing down’Is God lowering standardsfor your soul? - p.5Girl finds dignityOn the pavement ofGordon Street - p.6PLUS!More cartoons. Tommy thePost-Nuclear Cat, Genghisthe Crack Bunny and thefearsome Student Squad.From Haringey.

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from our members at DingBobik Comics<www.freewebs.com/dingbobikcomics>

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society

PrPrPrPrPresident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor: René Lavanchy TTTTTrrrrreasureasureasureasureasurer: er: er: er: er: Nick CowenAssistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors: Richard Bridger, Dex Torricke-Barton

E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: [email protected] Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY

The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.

n u s news

Student Squad

THE POWERS THAT BE at theUnion have promised us a referendumon our affiliation to the National Un-ion of Students, which costs us about£34,000 a year. So be it: after the messlast time, we need one. NUS is in afix: it’s dominated by self-interestedfactions and appears to exist only tofurther the political career of theirpresident. Last year, UCL Union madea list of reforms they required of NUS,before an extraordinary conference inJune. The UCL delegation took the listwith them. Here it is:

1. To urge constituent members(CMs) to discuss NUS reform at theirrelevant student legislative body andwork with the national executive com-mittee (NEC) to reach new solutions.

2. To ensure affiliation fees rep-resent value for money to all CMs.

3. To support proposals to makeNUSSL [NUS’s intermediary betweenbusinesses and its members, that sup-plies member Unions] membership

non-contingent on NUS membership.4. To represent students.5. To remove 3h and 3i from the

Constitution.6. To pursue charitable status.7. To end factionalism in theNUS.

Union policy was: if the reforms

were not implemented, the Unionwould campaign for a ‘no’ vote at areferendum on NUS. How timeschange! When NUS President KatFletcher met Union Executive last De-

The ReferendumUnion rats refuse to try to leave sinking ship

UCL Union’s delegation at the NUSExtraordinary Conference in Leeds,

16-17 June 2004

cember, she promised that a numberof reforms were ‘under review’, in-cluding election resources for candi-dates, the role of executive officers andfinancial expenditure. So none of whatthe Union asked for. Despite this mi-nor glitch, the Union Exec has coura-geously decided that NUS has re-formed sufficiently. There will be no‘no’ campaign, and sabbs will followtheir own opinions (including thosewho want to get elected to NUS lat-er).

P.S. As if that wasn’t bad enough,Fletcher was asked if she would prom-ise not to be on campus to interfereduring the referendum. She said shewould like to be here at UCL to an-swer questions, like at Edinburgh,where students voted by a slim major-ity (52%) to join NUS and hand over£50,000.

P.P.S. For an indication of howhelpful Kat Fletcher and friends wereat Edinburgh, check the angry postson the university Students’ Associationweb forum. NUS posters claimed thatNUS had abolished top-up fees inScotland, even though this was decid-ed by the Scottish Executive in con-junction with the Lib Dems...whosepolicy it had been for a while. RL

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UCL Union Lines Up to KickDavid RentonThe Education & Welfare Officer has been denounced as lazy andincompetent by many of his colleagues. Malcolm Granger reports

UCL STUDENT LEADERShave begun secretly briefing against theUnion’s Education and Welfare Offic-er in a bid to focus attention on a“dire” record of achievement.

David Renton, the former Anti-Racism Officer of UCL Union andcurrent sabbatical officer, has previous-ly been criticised by student represent-atives over his ambiguous stance to-wards membership of the NationalUnion of Students (NUS). But in re-cent days, critics have intensified theiranti-Renton rhetoric and alleged thathe is “both apathetic and incompetent”in his management of important wel-fare campaigns and duties.

Several senior members of UCLUnion Council, including executiveofficers, have cast aspersions on Rent-on’s attitude to his job, for which Col-lege pays him about £1,000 a month.Speaking anonymously to The CheeseGrater, officers noted Renton’s failureto attend Union meetings, his repeat-

ed and unexplained exits from meet-ings of College and Union committees,and his constant absence from the sab-batical office during prescribed hoursof work.

“Last year a lot of people knewAlex Coles. It’s not surprising thatmost students haven’t the foggiest whoDavid is,” said one officer.

Further evidence appears to backup claims about “the ghost officer”,with minutes of Campaigns Commit-tee from September to Decembershowing Renton’s repeated failure toattend or carry out his role of Secre-tary, his early exit from meetings ofExecutive and even from an NUS brief-ing on the day of the handover fromhis predecessor. “We were talking withthe President of Bristol,” said oneformer officer. “And then David gotup, yawned and said, “Well, I’m off toget drunk.” After he walked out, wewere like, ‘What the hell?’”.

Source after source speaks of

Renton’s utter silence during mostcommittees, including College ones.At the last meeting of the CollegeWelfare & Equal Opportunities Com-mittee, Renton was distinguished notonly for saying nothing during the two-hour session, but for antagonising astaff member before the meeting byclaiming he had not been sent a copyof the agenda, and subsequently walk-ing out early. Whilst staff members ofthe College declined to comment aboutRenton’s committee style, some offic-ers with college contacts strongly sug-gest that he is widely derided in offi-cial circles. “He doesn’t say anything,he doesn’t put anything on the agen-da, he doesn’t follow anything up withthe College. Is it any wonder he’s ajoke to them?”

In the last two weeks, there hasbeen increasing speculation as towhether Renton wishes to mount anelectoral bid for the National Execu-tive Committee (NEC) of the NUS.The Cheese Grater can state that theserumours are false and in response toan email inquiry, Renton claimed: “Ifirst ‘found out’ that I was standingwhen a friend of mine told me to lookat EdNet.”. Renton’s failure to quick-ly quash these rumours seems to haveprovoked his domestic critics at UCLUnion into acting against him.

A no-confidence procedure isnotoriously difficult to carry outagainst a serving Sabbatical Officer,and thus far no-one has mentioned anyattempt to do so. But if criticism ofsuch a high-ranking student union lead-er continues – and he refuses to ad-dress these complaints – then the manycritics of UCL Union will continue todelight in attacking the E&W record.And that does not bode well for thenext holder of that position.

Comments on this story to oure-mail address opposite

Special report

The Sabbatical Suite, minus David Renton. Business as usual?

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IN THE EDITORIAL to thelatest issue of Pi on January 24th, stu-dent editor Holly Falconer had excit-ing news. At a meeting of UCL UnionCouncil on 6 December, there hadbeen “a motion that would disaffliatePi from the Union...this motion wasput forward by a certain ex-news edi-tor of Pi...who visibly cringed as hewalked past Pi editors...on his wayinto the meeting”. Fortunately, she re-assured us, the Pi staff united undertheir editor to ensure that the motionwas not passed. “Other motions putforward by this ‘mystery man’ and hisfriends were to create a separate MCofficer whose sole responsibility wouldbe Pi, disregarding the costs of such aproposition. Also, it was suggested weshould scrap your beloved scrapbookas it was deemed immoral...”

This grossly misleading piece,apparently motivated by animosity to-wards the ‘mystery man’ (Dex Torricke-Barton) obscured the intent behindwhat was in fact just one motion: toreform Pi. Pi is a disgrace to us. It hasfailed completely and consistently tohold the Union to account. Pi is cry-ing out for a rethink. But its editorshave thus far blocked all attempts to

change the status quo, while a largenumber of staff are alleged to have quitthis year.

Pi and the restPi as it is now is overseen by a

‘chief editor’, the Media and Commu-nications Officer (currently AlexWalsh). She is a sabbatical officer anda member of Union Executive.Beneathher is a ‘student editor’ and a ‘deputyeditor’. But why? The system is prac-tically unique. London Student, theother publication most visible to UCLstudents, has a sabb at its head too,but they are not an executive officerof the Union — their sole concern isto publish. Imperial College Union’sFelix has the same. The LSE Students’Union paper The Beaver has a studenteditor in charge. Roar at King’s Col-lege is unusual in using the same sys-tem as Pi.

That’s not the only differencethat sets UCL apart. Why is there noweekly newspaper? The LSE and Im-perial, who make up the Golden Tri-angle of top-rank institutions with UCLand Oxbridge, both have one. LondonStudent and Roar compromise with afortnightly issue. Some colleges (LSEand Imperial again) publish both a

newspaper and a less frequent maga-zine, thus allowing students to helpcreate both formats.

But here at UCL, for all ourmoney-grabbing campaigns; for all ourannual turnover; for all our status as acontender on the global HE stage, allour students can cough up is onemonthly magazine. And the magazineis enough to make you weep.

The state of PiResponsibility for Pi’s content

lies with the student body; the layout,last time we looked, was done by theM & C Officer. While some of thearticles are good, many are badly writ-ten and crushingly boring (a pensée onCO2 emissions laws, anyone?) Arti-cles appear to be used out of despera-tion rather than choice (the Decem-ber issue featured ‘how to microwavea light bulb’, an inadvisable thing todo). Without attacking individual writ-ers, it has to be said that the standardof writing is often poor and sloppilydone. Until Pi’s staff learn how topunctuate, spell their own names rightand discover the difference between‘affected’ and ‘effected’(to name butone clanger) nobody can or should takethem seriously.

Layout and design are, if any-thing, worse than the content. Pi’s fun-damental appearance has not changedfor over a year. Practically everythingis printed in one unattractive typeface(Switzerland), which being sans serifis harder on the eye. Text and graph-ics jostle indecorously for space on thepage, and columns can be idioticallybroken up by oddly-shaped pictures.The images themselves are often pix-ellated, suggesting that they have beenculled from the Internet at the lastminute. Student publications can lookgood, as Imperial College’s Felix dem-onstrates. None of these faults, how-ever is as worrying as Pi’s completelack of editorial independence. And ifyou don’t think Pi gets censored, thinkagain.

Pi GaggedUnder Alex Walsh’s tenure, sto-

ries for Pi have disappared or been cut.Last August a UCL student jumped to

PiMustDie

It doesn’t do us justice. It’s no place for student journalists to honetheir skills. It’s under the thumb of sabbatical officers, and it’s asexciting as a cheese sandwich. In its current form...

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their death from the Engineering build-ing; London Student reported it, butPi was silent. A then Pi staffer toldThe Cheese Grater that Prof. JohnForeman, the Dean of Students, want-ed the story removed. A story aboutUCL Union’s Christian Union was re-moved to spare the society’s officersembarrasment, and an article on TedHonderich by Dex Torricke-Bartonwas heavily cut at the instigation ofEducation and Welfare officer DavidRenton. So much, then, for Pi’s ob-jectivity. Hardly surprising that a fewof the staff got restless.

Pi Eaten from WithinOne such person was Pi news

editor Dex Torricke-Barton (not a manwhom this magazine has gone out ofits way to praise - see issue 2). Afterhis Honderich article was cut, Dex tolda Pi meeting they had to reform.When this was ignored, he left and,by his account, took eight of Pi’s newsreporters with him to LS, leaving An-drew Ridge to run the show. Pi news-man James Brady declined to commentto The Cheese Grater, suggesting thestory is not entirely untrue. The put-

A REPORT commissioned byAssociated Churches has found thatHeaven has significantly lowered itsentrance requirements. ComparingHeaven’s gate policy of the 21st cen-tury with only five hundred years agoshowed a marked 1000% increase inthose allowed into Heaven, even afteradjusting for population density. “Itused to be harder for a rich man to getinto Heaven than for a camel to passthrough an eye of a needle,” said onedismayed theist. “Now anyone whohas made a donation to the tsunamiappeal or ever helped an old lady acrossthe street is practically guaranteed aplace.” The report concludes themarked increase is due to generations

of philosophies and sciences that mit-igate people’s responsibility for theiractions. Whereas before, Heaven madea decision based on the number andgravity of sins committed by persons,new government guidelines demand ittake into account the background ofthe souls. Their socio-ethic backgroundmust all be considered. In addition,Heaven is no longer allowed to dis-criminate on the basis of race, gender,sexuality, genetics or even the religionof the person. All these added factorsalmost entirely rule out any personalmoral responsibility.

“The only people we still refusedinto Heaven are murderers, rapists andjournalists; but our policy on murder-ers is currently under review,” St Pe-ter announced as he looked over a

clearing application for a suicidebomber who was guaranteed a placein heaven when still on the earth. Therise in entrants has also correspondedto a higher dropout rate.

“People seem to assume thatHeaven is a place for everyone,” Sa-tan’s official spokesman said, “but thisis simply not the case…[a late homo-sexual] recently returned to my flockafter explaining that the sort of ecsta-sy given to him in Heaven was not forhim (He should have gone to the oth-er Heaven, where it can be obtainedfor little, if anything — Ed.). In mod-ern times, when people have very dif-ferent conceptions of the good, remem-ber that we offer a wide variety of Af-terlife solutions. Many will achieve andenjoy themselves more in Hell.”

upon news desk had to make up extraauthor names for their articles: ‘Ste-ven Scott’ and ‘James Evans’ havewritten a lot for Pi, but they don’t seemto be in the College directory. Dex de-scribes his new job as LS news editoras a ‘promotion’.

In December, Dex and otherspresented their ‘Vibrant Media’ mo-tion to UCL Union Council. Contraryto Falconer’s editorial, it didn’t requirefor ‘a separate MC officer’; it merelyencouraged the creation of a sabbati-cal editor post for Pi. Nor did it callthe scrapbook immoral; it simply said

it painted a crude and unintellectualportrait of UCL students. While it re-quired Pi to be disaffiliated, there isnothing wrong with that. Pi is not anormal society; it is under no risk ofsuspension or disaffiliation, its fundsare assured and its officers don’t oftenbother to turn up to Arts Board. Dexdid indeed resign at this meeting; sodid Olivier Usher. The media motionwas heavily amended by Frankie Rob-erto (who might possibly have wantedto curry favour with the Pi staff, as heintends to run for M & C Officer) andpassed without any changes to Pi.

So it is unlikely that Pi willchange, but change it must if it is tofulfil its obligations to us, the students.It must be made independent from theUnion Executive, to resolve the M &C Officer’s massive and glaringly ob-vious conflict of interest.

And finally: for the last time, thefact that Jonathan Dimbleby used toedit Pi is not evidence of what it cando for your career. Dimbleby owes hisjob to the fact that his father Richardwas a BBC broadcaster. And besides,he’s not even very good. RL

Pi Survey No. surveyed: 40

Do you read Pi?Never 20%Occasionally 27.5%Almost every issue 25%Every issue 22.5%

How many pages?More than half 37.5%Less than half 35%2 or less 5%

Average marks out of 5: 1.7

Heaven accused of‘dumbing down’

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Is Paradise lowering standards in the race for inclusiveness?Nikolai Morofski

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Girl finds dignity onside of pavement

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

WORLD EXCLUSIVE byRusty Wood

FOLLOWING a worrying 10minutes in which she thought she hadlost it forever, Lucy Hutch successful-ly found her dignity floating away inher sick that adorned the side of thepavement on Gordon Street. Lucy’ssupport network of inebriated, shout-ing girlfriends rallied round as soonas she realised that it had gone miss-ing and together they successfully ex-ploited a group of first year hopefulsby promising to ‘make it up to them’.One of these boys, Justin Bitmore fromNaples, luckily stumbled across andfell into Lucy’s regurgitated stomachlining, peppered with sweetcorn andspaghetti hoops. Lucy’s dignity was

THE PATH OFDIGNITY

11:15 pm:Lucy spreads herdignity generously onthe pavement ofGordon St

11:35 pm:Lucy finds her way toEuston station withher dignity betweenvomit-stained teeth

11:50 pm:Lucy throwsup on 253 bus

UCL UNION

EUSTONSTATION

GO

RDON S

TREET

successfully fished out and returned toher, before she promptly threw it upagain on the bus (253) home. Trans-port for London have said they havenot found Lucy’s dignity, citing thepossibility that it seeped out of theback door when the girls were thrownoff the bus. When asked if the currentstate of leglessness that prevailsamongst women in UCL Union was abad thing for the College’s image,Clubs, Societies & Student Develop-ment Officer Liz Oglesby promptlyignored the question and continued topull out the bacon bits from her hair.A memento of last night, surely.

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February 2005 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 7

THE PRIVATE LIFE OF STUDENTS

A personal view ofa fascinating speciesby DavidAttenborough

A triumphant Attenborough after discovering no less than 22 of the rare breed of ‘student politician’, in an otherwiseprosperous and well-adjusted area of central London.

Episode 12:The Union AGM

Attenborough: This... is the UCLBloomsbury Theatre. I’m crouchingbehind one of these crates of orangeReef outside the bar, and trying to keepquiet, because I don’t want to disturbthe very, very rare creatures who, eve-ry year, make this place their home.

And here they come. Here, inthe heart of thousands of ordinary peo-ple, live a tiny offshoot of the species,known as the ‘student politicians’. Andwithin this group lives an even small-er pack. These are the extremely rarebreed of student politician who, everyyear, perform the arcane ritual calledan ‘Annual General Meeting’.

And there’s another one! That’stwo so far.

It seems that the sheer smallnessof this sub-species, whose only physi-cal characteristic is a small, flat, rec-tangular pink appendage to the hand,is down to natural selection. Thesecreatures are simply incapable of adapt-ing to the pressures of life outside inthe open. And so, they take shelter infamiliar, protective surroundings, suchas this dark, musty theatre, or in thespaces between the lever arch files inthe minutes archive on the fourth floorof 25 Gordon Street. And now, I’ll bevery quiet, because I think one of the

dominant males - a proud, aggressivemacho figure - is about to speak.

Nigel Harris: Hello...

Attenborough: This is a mem-ber of the dominant faction, who con-trol all the student politicians’ activi-ties. Whilst virtually unheard of andignored by the greater species, they area huge and domineering presenceamong the student politicians. To re-inforce the closed nature of their trib-al group, they communicate in an ob-scure language which has baffled allattempts at decipherment. It is called‘standing orders’. For a dominant sub-species member to talk in ‘standingorders’ is to signal to their inferiorsthat this is a matter they cannot un-derstand, let alone control.

But wait! I think one of the infe-rior creatures is actualluy about to re-ply to the dominant male - to chal-lenge him!

Pei Chi Wong: I want to callquorum.

Attenborough: And, the effect isastounding. The dominant species arecowed. The strange, irrational force

of this call has an almost mesmericeffect. Some of the student politiciansclearly look relaxed; they’re standingup and, yes, moving towards the near-est fire exit. Others, however, are look-ing with hostility at the upstart spe-cies member. Nobody can say for surewhat these rituals mean. But despitetheir apparent irrelevance to anythingelse going on anywhere, this doggedbreed continues its activities year af-ter year. Some say that it is a way ofgaining favour and influence within thespecies. But if this is all they knowhow to do, how can they progress toany real-world environment?

‘I’m sorry, darling, but you can’tload another war. That was the tel-evision news, not your Xbox.’

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Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Nikolai Morofski, Scary Boots, Rusty Wood, Malcolm Granger, Ding and Bobik, RanceRandolph Randylin (Engineering with Swedish 1973), bird.

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