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Perceptions of Conflict Conflict is
what happens when people disagree
a perceived divergence of interests
an opportunity for positive change
Personal Style Assessment Pick a Style Any Style Conflict Game
Gather into groups of 4-6 students. Get a deck of conflict style cards from the teacher. Decide which two students will play the first round. Placing the cards face down, have each of the two players choose a card. Do not let anyone else see your card. Using the first conflict scenario below, act out the conflict using the style written on your card. Limit your time to 2-3 minutes per conflict and pair. ( Where necessary, chose beforehand who will play which role.)
Have the observers guess which style each member of the pair was using. Discuss briefly how it felt to play that style and to play opposite the others style. What clues did the observers use to guess the styles. Switch players and chose new cards and a new conflict.
1. Two people trying to decide who will get to ride in the front passenger seat of the car on a long trip.
2. Two people who both sign-up to bring a cake to the class party. There was not supposed to be duplication.
3. Two students who both need the dictionary during the lesson.
4. Two people in a discussion about music preferring different styles.
5. Parent children conflict situation.
6. Teacher student conflict situation.
Personal Style AssessmentHigh Importance
Low Importance Goals High Importance
Active Listening Techniques (handout)Statements that help the other person talk.StatementPurpose
To do this...
ExamplesEncouraging1- To convey interest2. To encourage the other person to keep talking
... don't agree ordisagree... use neutral words ... use varying voiceintonations
1. "Can you tell me more... ?"2.Clarifying! To help you clarify what issaid2. To get more information3. To help the speaker see otherpoints of view
. ask questions . Restate wrong interpretation to force the speaker to explain further
1. "When did thishappen?" 2.Restating 1. To show you are listening and ...restate basic 1. "So you would like
understanding what is being ideas and your parents to
said facts trust you more, is
2. To check your meaning and that right?"
Reflecting 1. To show that you understand ...reflect the 1 . "You seem very
how the person feels speaker's basic upset."
2. To help the person evaluate feelings 2.
his or her own feelings after
hearing them expressed by
Summarizing l. To review progress ...restate major ideas 1. "These seem to be
2. To pull together important expressed including the key ideas
ideas and facts feelings you've
3. To establish a basis for expressed..."
further discussion - 2.
Validating1. To acknowledge the acknowledge the worthiness of the other value of their issues person and feelings 1. ."I appreciate your ...show appreciation willingness to resolve
this matter." for their efforts and 2. actions
FIVE BASIC STYLES IN CONFLICT SITUATIONS
COMPETITION: I satisfy my concerns at your expense. [Win/Lose]ACCOMMODATING: I satisfy your concerns at my expense. [Lose/Win]AVOIDANCE:Neither you nor I satisfy our concerns.[Lose/Lose]COMPROMISE: I give up some of my concerns to satisfy [No Win/ you and you give up some of yourNo Lose] concerns to satisfy me.
COLLABORATION: We discover new and creative ways to [Cooperation] satisfy both of our important concerns. [Win/Win]
Personal Style AssessmentCompromise is giving up something in order to get something. It is an attempt to seek middle ground.Advantages:Disadvantages:Collaboration is working together in order to satisfy the needs of both people. It involves problem solving and assumes that both people can get their needs met. One party does not have to win at the other's expense. It is win-win problem-solving.Advantages: Disadvantages:Which style do you most frequently use in a conflict with the following people?-Spouse-Parent-Child-Sibling-Co-worker-Friend-BossRules For Fighting Fair1. Identify the problem.4. Treat a person's
feelings with respect.
2. Focus on the problem.3. Attack the problem, not the person.
I-MessagesI-MESSAGES DO: focus on the present conflict describea.how you feelb.when something happensc.why you feel that wayuse a feeling word describe your needs speak about yourselfI MESSAGES DO NOT: blame or attackcriticize~ name call bring up past grievances assume the other party knows how you feel accuseActive ListeningACTIVE LISTENING-- a way to find-out if you correctly understand the other person's point of viewActive Listening is ...-- trying to understand -- respecting-- tuning into their feelings -- nodding-- paraphrasing -- acknowledging -- elaborating -- respecting
-- clarifying -- showing interestActive Listening is not...-- interrupting -- persuading-- defending -- moralizing-- denying -- looking away-- advising -- looking bored-- comforting -- asking questionsActive ListeningFEELINGS VOCABULARYFor improving communication about and understanding of the myriad emotions people experience.happy, gladjoyfulhopefulexcitedcheerful
curiousconfusedall mixed uppuzzledsuspiciousparanoid
victimizedtaken advantage ofdumped onusedabusedunappreciatedtenseanxiousworriedafraid, frightenednervous
peaceful quiet calm braveneedy jealous
Active ListeningListening For Feelings1. I just don't understand you.2. I would really like to talk with her about that, but Ican't.3. I guess I was rather rude to him and I shouldn't havebeen.4. I never seem to live up to your expectations.5. That presentation was a waste of time.6. I really enjoyed working with this group.7. I cannot believe my proposal was rejected.8. That report better be on my desk by 8:00 a.m.tomorrow morning or heads are going to roll.9. No one ever thinks to invite me out to lunch with theirgroup.10. I can't fax this football pool for you. If I get caughtusing the fax machine for personal use, I know I'll be inhot water.11. No matter what the group says, I am going to stand upfor what I believe is right.12.My office staff is extremely dedicated and responsible.Active ListeningActive Listening StartersThere are a variety of ways to start an active listening response - ways that don't sound stilted or repetitive. The underlined word (feeling) should be changed to fit the message you hear. Pay attention to words as well as body language.I see, you had hoped that I would ...That sounds to me like you're upset that...You seem excited about...I guess you want/wish/feel...You mean you're frustrated because...You look worried about...I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean that you're disappointed about...You hate that because...I think I u