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Devito's Relationship Stages
Explanations>Relationships> Devito's Relationship
Stages
Contact|Involvement|Intimacy|Deterioration|Repair|So what
Relationships often develop through a series of stages, as
described by Devito(1993).
Contact
The first stage of a relationship is where the people become
aware of one of one
another's existence. This may be very brief and very distant. It
may be formal, as
in a job relationship or more informal, such as seeing a person
on a train.
Perceptual contact
The first step occurs when one person becomes aware of the
other's existence.This may be asymmetric, where I see you but you
do not see me, or may be
mutual, where we see each other at the same time.
Interactional contact
At this early stage there may be some interaction between the
people, but this isusually brief, superficial and impersonal. It
may also be ritualized, such as saying
hello and talking about bland subjects such as work or the
weather.
Initial assessment
Whenever we meet with new people we quickly make some assessment
of them (ina few minutes or even seconds) as we try to categorize
them. If I know what sort
of person you are, then I know how to interact with you.
Of course this 'putting people in a box' approach is an
approximation and maypossibly be very inaccurate. It is surprising,
however, how many people resist
changing their early assessment of others even when faced with
significantevidence to the contrary.
Involvement
In the next stage, the people engage more with one another,
forming a light bond
of friendship.
Mutuality
The interaction becomes more frequent and the balance of giving
and receiving issustained. A sense of mutuality and connectedness
develops such that when one
person sees another, pleasant feelings (but seldom as strong as
love) areengendered.
Testing
At this stage the individuals may be wondering whether to move
towards intimacy.
Many relationships do not go that far as it involves a
significant commitment.
People may hence informally test the other person to see if they
are alsocommitted.
Tests may first be around the level of involvement at this stage
that the otherperson is seeking, and then whether they want to move
to the more intimately
engaged next stage. Typically this asks them to do something
that demonstrateswhether they are ready to move to the next
stage.
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Intimacy
In this stage the relationship is at its deepest and most
committed.
Personal commitment
Personal commitment is the felt connection with the other person
and the time andeffort that the individual is prepared to put into
the relationship. This can be a
problem if it is asymmetrical, with one person feeling more
committed than theother.
Interpersonal commitment
Interpersonal commitment takes personal commitment and makes it
explicit inboth directions. This is where the two people declare
their affection for one another.
A part of this process is in agreeing the depth of commitment
that they want fromone another, for example staying as good friends
or getting married.
Social bonding
Beyond the personal and interpersonal levels, communicating the
depth of their
relationships to others makes it more difficult for either to
back out. This mayinclude a formal ceremony, from signing joint
declarations to marriage.
Social bonding demonstrates to one another their longer-term
commitment andshould strengthen the relationship. Having formalized
the arrangement. any
dissolution will also need a formal process.
Anxiety
Relationships are not all sweetness and light and even after
public commitment,
each person may be worried about possible issues. In
particular:
Security anxiety: of abandonment, being left for someone else.
Fulfilment anxiety: that a close and special rapport will continue.
Excitement anxiety: that the thrill will continue and boredom and
routine will
not set in.
DeteriorationAs the relationship progresses, and reality bites,
problems may arise that test the
longer-term commitment that each person has made.
Relational damage
Specific things may happen to damage the relationship, from
simple brokenpromises to major betrayal. Arguments may break out,
even over small things, in
which hurtful things are said. Minor hurts may then be
aggregated into majorgrievances which can fester and increase the
divide.
Weakening bonds
Even without major damage, the initially-strong bond may be
eroded as thepassion of the early relationship gives way to the
humdrum of everyday existence.
Living together or just seeing one another too often can result
in having less andless to say. Familiarity may breed contempt,
which is a major predictor ofrelationship breakdown.
Bonds may also be weakened by distractions such as work, hobbies
and other
relationships, no matter how harmless. When a person has less
time for theirpartner and spends less time in maintaining the
relationship then the strength ofthat relationship will wane.
Repair
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When damage is done, all is not necessarily lost and if the
people want the
relationship to continue then there is opportunity for
repair.
Intrapersonal repair
Each person alone can work on their own perceptions, perhaps
with the help offriends and counselors, seeking to identify and
draw out the poison within and so
healing imagined wounds.
A part of this may include reflection on how the relationship
used to be so goodand how it has gone wrong. A difficulty here is
in accepting one's own part in the
breakdown, what reparation may be made and how the person may
makepermanent changes in how they behave.
Interpersonal repair
The repair process may well also involve joint action that has
to go beyonddamaging blame and involve joint acceptance of
responsibility. Done well, this may
be cathartic and enlightening and can lead to an even stronger
relationship. Doneless well and the repair may only be temporary as
one or each agrees to changes
but does not engage in the intrapersonal repair that is needed
to make it effective.
Dissolution
Eventually at some point the relationship may dissolve (or
perhaps return to a
more platonic level).
Intrapersonal separation
A part of this process is an internal separation where each
person psychologicallydistances themselves from the other person,
detaching theiridentityand seeing theother person as more distinct
and individual.
This can be troublesome if not done well and hanging onto even a
small part of therelationship can cause problems if this is not
mutually agreed.
Interpersonal separation
As well as the intrapersonal separation there is a joint
agreement to separate,
creating psychological and physical distance. If one person does
not want toseparate they may appear 'clinging' and this can lead to
conflict.
Social separation
In a reversal of the intimacy stage, the separation occurs not
only at intrapersonal
and interpersonal levels, but also at an external social level,
where friends and
acquaintances are told of the separation and are asked to
collaborate with this, for
example in not inviting both people to the same party. Formal
separation may mean
divorce, moving out of the same accommodation, etc.
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