On My Grandmother’s Death

My grandmother died at about 100 years of age following a disease-free life with only mild/moderate cognitive decline in her last decade. Several months earlier she suffered from a stroke, which left her hospitalized and kept alive by machines for several months. She had been largely independent until the past few years. She had even driven cross country, New Jersey to Texas, into her late eighties; even later, she would accompany her daughter on the same route by themselves. Only the last few years was she mostly sedentary, staying with her daughter and son-in-law in New Jersey permanently for a few years. In her last years, she knew and could recognize her daughters, but did not remember her grandson, me, for several years. She was a Christian Scientist for most or all of her retirement years. She attended church until late in life. She never saw doctors. And to my memory she was never sick.

Her stroke happened while I was finishing the last months of my pre-clinical years in medical school. I visited her in the hospital. She had already spent several months in the ICU there. She was not conscious. She was intubated and monitored for her life support. It was a few months before I would be working in the ICU on my third year rotations.

She was a very distant person for a grandparent. She came of age during the Great Depression and raised a family in Queens, New York. To me, she was always a disciplinarian as our relationship was mostly when I was very young.. My own mother didn’t want to get involved despite her history of working as a nurse. My mother and grandmother had not been close since my grandfather died some 25 years before. My feelings over her condition were not extreme but I could relate to how the experience would be for those unaccustomed to medicine.

My grandmother’s religious beliefs would have precluded her staying on mechanical ventilation for an extended period of time. I was not privy to the family meetings and medical decisions regard her care. The hospital care quickly depleted my grandmother’s estate. But her condition deteriorated quickly and she was allowed to expire.

I’d wished I knew her better; she’d seemed an interesting person. I’m sure following my grandmother’s wishes was difficult for my aunt. And I assume it took her some time to process her feelings. At first, denial; and later, acceptance of her pain. My family had an easier decision than many. Our feelings on her care were similar to her doctors.