ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

"The Gang Writes For Children"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. BAR - DAY

Dee, Dennis, Mac, Charlie, and Frank are by the bar area.Dennis is polishing a glass.

DEEOK. My book club is gonna be heresoon. Please dont embarrass methis time. Just, stay over here bythe bar.

CHARLIEWhat are you talking about? Me andFrank joined the club.

DEENo you didnt.

Three WOMEN walk into the bar.

WOMAN 1Hey Dee!

DEEHey.

(to Charlie)Youre not in the club. OK?

The Women sit at a table. Dee, Charlie, and Frank join them.CHARLIE

Hey ladies. Im Charlie, and thisis Frank. Were in your book club.

WOMAN 2Oh. OK.

Everyone sits down at a table.

DEEActually, no. Theyre not in theclub. They just work here.

CHARLIEWere in the club. We even made upa secret club handshake.

He grabs a bamboo cane lying up against the wall, and usesit to whip Frank. Frank then takes the cane and whipCharlie.

2.

DEEYeah. Thats not really ahandshake. Its just you findinganother way to express yourstupidity.

FRANK(to everyone)

OK. Ill go first. Hi, my name isFrank, and Im a reader. .. Um.Isnt this the part where you allsay, "Hi, Frank?"

DEEThis isnt an AA meeting.

FRANKAnyways, this week, I read PeopleMagazine. Not all of it. But thepart about how Reese Witherspoongot her toe stuck in a cantaloupe.

CHARLIEFrank. This is a book club. Youwere supposed to read a book. Not afreaking magazine article aboutReese Witherspoons toe.

FRANKWell what book did you read?

CHARLIEThe Cat in the Hat.

DEEYou were supposed to read WutheringHeights.

(to Charlie and Frank)And you guys arent in the club--soyou werent supposed to readanything.

CHARLIE(to Everyone)

Anyways, heres the main point Iwant to make about the Cat in theHat. You flip through 61 pages--andguess what? Even if you havesomeone read all the words on thosepages for you, you still never findout why the cat is wearing a hat.Theres no, like, resolution to themystery. I mean, that would be like

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3.

CHARLIE (contd)playing the game Clue--and thenbefore you find out who themurderer is, you just put the gameback in the box, and then a catwalks into your room wearing a hat,and youre like, "Why are youwearing a hat, cat?" and the cat isall like,"Dude--Im totally highright now, and I could really gofor some Taco Bell, or maybe somecat food."

WOMAN 1Well. Thats very interesting. Butour book for this week is WutheringHeights.

FRANK(to Charlie)

Heres my theory. Dr. Seussthought, "Im gonna make the catwear a hat. After all, cat rhymeswith hat, kids are idiots, and Ima lazy son of bitch."

CHARLIEOr you know what? Maybe Dr. Seusswas high, too. So he ate some catfood, and was like, "Cat in a hat."

DEEThose are excellent theories. Butyou guys arent in the club. Soplease just go over there!

CHARLIEFine. Whatever. Your club isstupid, anyway.

Charlie and Frank walk back to the bar area, where Dennisand Mac are. Dennis is still polishing the same glass.

MACDude. Why are you trying to hangout with Dee and her club?

CHARLIEBecause. I dont know. They justcame in here last week being allsophisticated, and I wanted to besophisticated, too.

4.

MACTheres nothing sophisticated abouta book club that has Dee as amember, and meets at some piece ofshit bar.

DENNISWill you guys just stop talkingabout this crap?

He resumes polishing the glass.

CHARLIE(to Mac and Frank)

Well. How about we start our ownbook club, and we meet somewherereally sophisticated--like, um, aChipotle?

MACSince when do you read?

CHARLIEI had someone read the the Cat inthe Hat to me. And I also Googled"Why a hat? How come that cat waswearing a freaking hat? I dont getit." And then Google was all like,"Whatever, bro. Just, dont ask somany questions." Yeah. You know.Because Google is in on theconspiracy.

MACDo you even know how to use acomputer, Charlie?

CHARLIEOf course I do. You just Windowsyour DOS, and then reboot yourscreensaver.

FRANKThats true. Charlies beenproviding tech support to me forthe last year, and any time IWindows my DOS, my gigabytes becomeway more Apple.

DENNISDude. Just, can we talk aboutsomething else?

5.

CHARLIE(to Everyone)

Anyways, my librarian told me thatthe Cat in the Hat sold, like,millions of copies. So I was justthinking--how about we write ourown childrens book?

MACThats actually not a bad idea.

CHARLIELike, how about we write a bookabout a goat in a boat?

FRANKWell. A goat in a boat is a goodcharacter. But childrensbooks--they need to have catchytitles. Before we write a bookabout a goat in a boat, we shouldcome up with a catchy title for it.

CHARLIEOh. I have a good title. We cancall our book Wuthering HeightsPart II.

MACWouldnt you want to call it TheGoat in a Boat?

CHARLIEWhoa! Yeah! Thats even better thanWuthering Heights Part II. From nowon, youre the guy in charge oftitles.

MACDude--it doesnt matter if thats agood title! No ones gonna want abook about a goat in a freakingboat. Thats stupid. We shouldwrite a book about an ape in acape.

CHARLIEAnd what should we title it?Huckleberry Finn Part II?

MACWell. Its a book about an ape in acape--so how about we title itThe Ape in a Cape?

6.

CHARLIEThats why youre in charge oftitles. Thats a good one. But letme ask you this. Is the apes capemade out of banana peels? Becauseif it is, he can take it off hiscape and use it to make peopleslip.

FRANKNo. No ape in a cape. We gotta gowith a goat in a boat. I mean, justimagine a boat thats in alake--and theres a freaking goatrowing the boat. Thats pureentertainment.

CHARLIEAnd the goat is wearing a coat. Andhe has the right to vote. Hes thegoat in a coat in a boat, and hesgonna go vote for another goat. Andat the end of the book, that othergoat becomes President, because hegot more votes than HillaryClinton. Also, Hilary Clinton eatsoats. But not on a boat. On a raft.She eats oats on a raft thatfloats.

MACNo. Im vetoing the goat in a boat.We gotta go with an ape in a cape.

CHARLIEI have an even better idea. Letsput the goat in a cape.

MACWell. A goat in a cape is prettybadass. But "goat in a cape"doesnt rhyme.

CHARLIEWhat do you mean rhyme?

MACI mean rhyme. Like all the rhymesyou just made.

CHARLIEWhat rhymes?

7.

MACYou know. The goat in a coat in aboat, whos gonna vote for anothergoat, and Hilary Clinton eats oats.

CHARLIEDude--I didnt notice how thosewords rhyme. I just thought thatwould be a good story. You know.Because, like, it would beinteresting to come across a goatwhos wearing a goat, and on aboat, and gonna vote for anothergoat. But it would be even moreinteresting if the goat werewearing a cape. Hes still gonna bein a boat, though. But I dont knowabout the whole voting thing.Cause, I mean, now that I thinkabout it, goats dont reallybelieve in democracy.

MACWhat do you mean "now that youthink about it?" What thought couldhave entered your head that madeyou conclude that goats dontbelieve in democracy?

CHARLIEWell. I mean, goats dont fit invoting booths. You know. Well, um,we might have to do Google our DOS,and do internet Bing research onhow goats feel about democracy. Butare we all in agreement that thegoat is gonna wear a cape?

FRANKWell. I dont care what the goatwears, as long as the goat is on aboat.

CHARLIESo its settled. Hes the goat in acape in a boat, and he may or maynot support democracy. OK, Mac.Come up with a title for that.

MACNo. No goat in a cape. Goat andcape dont rhyme.

8.

CHARLIEThey kind of rhyme. You dont needa perfect rhyme. Have you everheard of Dora the Explorer? If youcan rhyme Dora with Explorer, youcan rhyme goat with cape.

MACNo you cant. Goat and cape are,like, as non-rhyming as it gets.

CHARLIEWait. Ive got an even betteridea. Well have a whale in a pail.A whale who drinks ale. Anddelivers mail. And he just got outof jail. After making bail. Oh--andhe wears a cape. Made out of bananapeels.

MACWhales dont fit in pails.

CHARLIESo what? Do you think Doras fit inExplorers? No.

MACBut you just said that goats dontfit in voting booths, and thatswhy they dont believe indemocracy.

CHARLIEDude--Im not having a politicaldebate right now. Im working on achildrens book--OK? A childrensbook about a whale in apail. Right, Frank?

FRANKI see your whale in a pail, and Iraise you a cheetah in a fajita.

MACCheetahs dont fit in fajitas.

FRANKWhat if the fajita is really big?

CHARLIEWait a second. Are you guysthinking what Im thinking? Howabout we put the whale in a fajita?

9.

MACDamn it Charlie! These ideas keepon getting worse and worse. Whaledoesnt rhyme with fajita, whalesdont fit in fajitas--and why thehell would a living whale be in afreaking fajita?

FRANKWait, guys. I got it. A Jew in ashoe.

CHARLIEAre you guys thinking what Imthinking? Lets put the Jew in afajita. Oh--also, the Jew wears acape. A cape made out of bananapeels.

FRANKYou cant put the Jew in a fajita.Fajitas are Mexican, and Jews areJewish.

Dennis is still polishing his glass. He stops and finallyinterjects

DENNISDude. Will you guys shut up? All ofyour ideas are stupid. A book abouta Jew in a fajita, or a goat in aboat, or an ape in a cape? Thoseare all stupid ideas. I mean, kidsdont read books anymore. You know?They watch Spongebob.

MACThats true. What we got to do ismake a TV show like Spongebob.

CHARLIEOK. I got a good one. SpongeRob.

MACSpongeRob Squarepants?

CHARLIENo. We dont want to make ourcharacter too much like SpongebobSqaurepants. Thats why ourcharacters not gonna have pants.Hes gonna wear a cape. Made out ofbanana peels.

10.

FRANKWhat the hell are you talkingabout? He cant just wear a capewith no pants.

CHARLIEWhy not? Donald Duck wears a coatwith no pants.

FRANKWait. Are you guys thinking whatIm thinking? Well make SpongeRoba Jew, and well put him in a shoe.

Dennis once gain stops polishing his glass.

DENNISNo we wont--because were notgonna do a show about SpongeRob.Sponges have already been done.There isnt a market for twodifferent sponge shows.

CHARLIEOK. No sponges. ... How about anapkin? NapkinRob.

FRANKIs he pantless, too--like DonaldDuck and SpongeRob?

CHARLIEWell, NapkinRob doesnt wear pants.But he does wear a kilt.

FRANKSince when do Jewish napkins wearkilts?

CHARLIEHes not a Jewish napkin. Hes aScottish napkin. Hes McNapkinRob.

FRANKYes! Thats a great idea!

MACI gotta admit. McNapkinRob isfreaking awesome.

DENNISDude--what are you talking about? Anapkin? Thats stupid.

11.

MAC(to Charlie)

Thats true. A napkin is stupid.

FRANKI say we re-explore the goat in aboat idea.

MACNo--because thatll lead to a bigargument about what the goat iswearing.

(Later)

The four of them are seated at a table, and there are emptybeer bottles everywhere.

MACOK. So, our best idea so far is ahalf black, half Mexican snowmannamed Owen. And he works at amuffler shop.

FRANKAnd his shows theme song is

(sings)Owen / The Snowman / Works at amuffler shop / And he eats tacos alot / Cause he is Mexican / Buthes also half black / His tacoshave beans / And collard greens /Hes a black Mexican snowman

Dee walks up to them.

DEEUm. What the hell are you guysdoing?

CHARLIEWere working on a character forour childrens cartoon.McNapkinRob.

DENNISNo. Not McNapkinRob, Charlie. Wevemoved on from McNapkinRob.

CHARLIEDude. McNapkinRob is way betterthan Owen the Snowman.

12.

DENNISHow is he better than Owen theSnowman?

CHARLIEWell. For starters, he has a bettersong.

(sings)McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / He isa Scott / And a napkin / He does alot / Of tap dancing / He wears acape and a kilt and a hat / Helltell you that yo mamma is so fat/ He uses his napkin powers toclean / He uses his Scottish powersto drink / His home is shaped likea bottle of whiskey / His car looksa lot like a box of napkins / Hewatches reruns of Lucy and Ricky /And Cheers, The Simpsons, and alsoWhats Happening?

DENNISOK. I think I speak for us all whenI say that youre insane, and weregoing with Owen the Snowman.

CHARLIEWell. Not to sound racist oranything, but I dont buy the ideaof a half black, half Mexicansnowman.

DENNISWell, not to sound racist oranything, but I dont buy the ideaof a Scottish napkin.

DEEIf you need a character, I cancreate a character. Im a charactercreator.

CHARLIEWait a second. Are you guysthinking what Im thinking?

FRANKYes. We should put the fajita in ashoe.

13.

CHARLIENo. I was thinking that Dee wouldmake a good character. Just, youknow, as Dee. Dee being Dee.

DENNISThats true. Dee. Theres ourcartoon character. Dee. Shes likeSpongebob, only shes not a dumbblonde sponge--shes a dumb blondewoman.

CHARLIEAnd she wears a cape.

DEEI dont wear a cape.

CHARLIE(to Everyone)

She wears a cape made out ofbananas.

MACShes Ditzy Dee, she wears a cape,and she eats grapes.

DENNISAlright. Lets start drawing thisup. Do any of you know how to draw?

MACI know a guy who does. Plus, hesan alcoholic, so we can just payhim in beer.

INT. BAR - DAY

AL (40) is sitting at the bar with Dennis, Mac, Charlie, andDee.

DENNISThis is my sister Dee. We need youto draw a cartoon character basedon her.

ALA cartoon character? You mean,like, Dee the Bird?

14.

MACWell. We were gonna go with DitzyDee--but Dee the Bird is muchbetter.

AL(to Dee)

OK. Um. Lets see. Can you makesome bird noise for me first?

DEENo.

DENNISDee--hes our artist. If he wantsyou to make some bird noise, youmake some bird noises.

DEEHes your artist. Hes not myartist. Im not part of thisproject.

ALWow. You have a very birdlikevoice. Just keep talking. Itshelping me understand thecharacter.

DEEI wont keep talking.

MACWe also need you to wear a cape andeat grapes.

DEENo.

DENNIS(to Al)

Shes being a little uncooperativeright now--so just keep drawing.

ALOK. But Im gonna need some of mypayment first.

DENNISRight. Yeah. Ten beers--coming up.

(Later)

AL is sitting next to ten empty beer bottles.

15.

Dennis is still polishing a glass

ALAlright. Im done.

Dennis looks at the drawing.

DENNIS(to Mac)

Uh. Mac. You might want to comeover here and loos at this.

Mac walks over to Al and looks at his drawing.

MAC(to Al)

What the hell is this?

The drawing is actually a Tic Tac Toe board with a few Xsand Os.

ALUm. Yeah. I dont really know howto draw.

DENNISMac. I thought you said he was analcoholic artist.

MAC(to Al)

Arent you an alcoholic artist?

ALNo. Im just an alcoholic. Im notan artist. I figured maybe drinkingalcohol would make me artistic--butI guess not. Can I have anotherbeer?

MACYou can have anotherget-the-fuck-out-of here.

DENNIS(to Mac and Charlie)

You know what? We dont need anartist. We can make this, like, alive action show. You know. Deewill wear a cape and eat grapes,and then well film the whole thingwith a studio audience.

16.

MACRight. So where the hell is Dee?

INT. DEES APARTMENT - DAY

The doorbell rings. Dee opens it to revel Mac, Dennis, andCharlie. Charlie is holding a box wrapped in newspapaer.

DEEWhat do you losers want?

DENNISWe got you a gift.

DEEWhat for?

CHARLIEYou see. Were trying to manip...

Dennis pokes Charlie.

DENNISWere trying to manipulate thesystem that says you can only buygifts for a reason. We bought you agift just because.

CHARLIEYeah. Just because were trying tomanipu...

MACCharlie! This is the part where youstop talking.

CHARLIEIm not so sure it is.

DENNISNo. Mac is right. This is the partwhere you hand Dee the gift.

Charlie hands Dee the box.

DEECome in.

They walk in. The four of them sit down. Dee examines thebox.

17.

DEEWhy is this wrapped in newspaper?

MACBecause we have manners--so wewouldnt give you a gift thatwasnt wrapped.

DEEYeah. the thing is, most peoplewrap a gift in gift wrap.

DENNISIts the same thing, Dee! Paper ispaper!

DEEBut why did you use the obituarysection. I mean, you couldve atleast...

CHARLIEDee! Will you just open the damngift so we can manip...

DENNIS(to Dee)

Just open the gift, Dee!

Dee sits down and opens the gift. It contains a roll of ducttape, a bunch of grapes, and a cape with banana peels tapedto it.

DEETape. Some grapes. And a cape.

MACYeah. You know. Like, if you wantto tape something, you can use thetape. And if you want to eat grapeswhile youre wearing a cape, youcan use the grapes and the cape.

DEEIm not gonna dress up as yourcharacter. And why the hell arethere banana peels taped to thiscape?

MACDee. This has nothing to do withthat character. I mean, what doestape have to do with that

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18.

MAC (contd)character? Nothing. Now please puton the cape and start eating thegrapes.

the doorbell rings. Dennis opens it to reveal Frank, ROBERTO(45, Mexican), and 20 MEXICAN CHILDREN. Frank is holding afew pizza boxes.

FRANK(to the Children)

Everyone go in. Entra, entra.

The Children come in and sit on a sofa.

DEE(to Frank)

Uh. Who are they?

FRANKTheyre my friends. Theyre justgonna hang out with us for a while,and eat some pizza. Did you get thecape and grapes?

DEEYes, I got the cape and grapes!

FRANKGreat. Try the cape on.

(to Everyone)Pizza time!

He puts the pizza boxes on a table in front of the Kids.

Mac and Dennis pull Frank aside.

MACFrank. Why is our studio audienceMexican?

FRANKWell. You told me to bring over abunch of kids. So I went to myplumber Robertos house, and Ibrought over his kids and his kidscousins, and I told them wed havea pizza party. So there you go.Your studio audience.

MACThey dont speak English!

19.

FRANKWell. Robertos five kids do--buttheir cousins dont.

DENNISWell our show is in English. Nowthree quarters of our audienceisnt gonna understand it.

FRANKJust convert it to a Spanish show.The Spanish speaking market ishuge. Spanish is the second mostpopular language in the world.English is number three.

CHARLIEWhats number one?

FRANKChinese.

CHARLIEThen why arent we doing a Chineseshow?

FRANKBecause we dont know Chinese.

CHARLIEWe dont know Spanish, either.

FRANKWell. You know the basics. Si, no,burrito, sombrero. Just have Deesay yes to a hat.

DENNISThats not the show, Frank. Yourecompromising our artistic vision.

FRANKWell whats the show?

DENNISThe show is Dee acting like a birdand eating grapes.

MACAnd making people slip on herbanana peel cape.

20.

FRANKWell. People eat grapes and slip onbanana peel capes in Spanish thesame way they eat grapes and slipon banana peel capes in English.

DEEWhat the hell is going on here? Whoare these people?

MACDee--well explain everything toyou, right after you put on thecape, eat some grapes, say yes to ahat, and act like a bird. Oh--andstart speaking Spanish.

DEEWhat?

MACIts que. Que.

(privately to Dennis, Charlie,and Frank)

Uh. I was just thinking. Grapemight not rhyme with cape inSpanish. I think we might need to,like, make some adjustments to thewhole grape cape dynamic.

DENNISBut the artistic vision! Theartistic vision is Dee the birdwearing a cape and eating grapes.

MACDude. I think youre totallymissing the true essence of ourartistic vision.

DENNISWhich is?

MACThat Dee is a bird.

DENNISThats true. I guess the cape andgrape arent really that relevant.Alright. Roll the tape.

Mac takes out his cell phone and starts recording Dee.

21.

FRANKDamas y caballeros. Welcome-o tothe El Dee Show.

MACAlright, Dee. Start acting like abird.

DEEShut up!

MACSay it in Spanish.

DEEIm not a Mexican childrens showcharacter.

The doorbell rings.

DENNISWho the hell is that?

Dennis opens to the door to reveal MCNAPKINROB--a 40 yearold man wearing a vest made of napkins and a kilt, andholding a bottle of whiskey.

DENNISUh. Who the hell are you?

MCNAPKINROBIm McNapkinRob!

CHARLIEHoly crap! Its McNapkinRob!

McNapkinRob walks in.

DENNISUm. How is there an actual personnamed McNapkinRob?

McNapkinRob drinks whiskey while Charlie sings.

CHARLIE(sings)

McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / He isa Scott / And a napkin / He does alot / Of tap dancing / He wears acape and a kilt and a hat / Helltell you that yo mamma is so fat/ He uses his napkin powers to

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22.

CHARLIE (contd)clean / He uses his Scottish powersto drink / His home is shaped likea bottle of whiskey / His car looksa lot like a box of napkins / Hewatches reruns of Lucy and Ricky /And Cheers, The Simpsons, and alsoWhats Happening?

DENNISUm. Im pretty sure all McNapkinRobdoes is drink whiskey.

MCNAPKINROBYo mammas so fat, she has her ownzip code.

FRANKYou gotta say it in Spanish,McNapkinRob.

MCNAPKINROBUh. Tu mama es so gordo, she, uh,ella, uh, tiene un numero de zipcode-o.

Some of the Children laugh.

FRANKKids. Do you, uh, te gusta ElMcNapkinRob?

CHILDRENSi. McNapkinRob.

FRANK(to Mac, Dennis, and Charlie)

I think we got a hit. Charlie--yougotta sing the theme song inSpanish.

CHARLIE(sings)

McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / Sisombrero, no burrito / Tu mama esgordo, tu mama es loco

23.

INT. BAR - DAY

Dennis walks in.

DENNISAlright, guys. Good work yesterday.

DEEWhat do you mean good work? SomeScottish guy wore napkins and drankwhiskey for an hour in front of abunch of Mexican kids. Thats notwork.

MAC(to Dennis)

Did you put the video on YouTube?

DENNISYeah. I uploaded it, like, tenminutes ago.

CHARLIEAlright. Lets see how many viewswe got.

Mac takes out his cell phone and types.

MACOK. McNapkinRob. Uh. 47 views.

CHARLIEWell. Thats a good start. I mean,you need time for a Mexicanchildrens show to go viral.

MACAnd, uh, 2 thumbs up. 16 thumbsdown.

DENNISAre there any comments?

MACYeah. One says, "McNapkinRob is afag." Another one says,"McNapkinRob is a total fag."Another one says, "McNapkinRob esun maricon." And one says, "Thecameraman probably wants to bangMcNapkinRob." Dude. How could heeven know that?

24.

DENNISYou mean you do want to bangMcNapkinRob?

MACNo.

FRANKWell. I guess McNapkinRob iscancelled.

CHARLIESays who? I mean, when Spongebobdebuted, they also called him afag. And a maricon.

DENNISHeres what I dont get. How wasthere an actual McNapkinRob inDees apartment?

MACRight. Yeah. I got so caught up inMcNapkinRob fever, that I forgotabout that. How is there a guynamed McNapkinRob?

CHARLIEWhat are you talking about? I mean,if theres a McNapkinRob themesong, theres gotta be aMcNapkinRob.

MACBut you made up the theme song.

CHARLIESo?

DENNISSo how is there an actualMcNapkinRob?

CHARLIEI dont follow you.

FRANKMcNapkinRob is Ed Franklin--myother plumber. Yeah. I figured Deemight not stick to out script, so Ibrought in my other plumber as abackup on the show. yeah. Myplumber will do pretty much

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25.

FRANK (contd)anything for $50 an hour. Exceptfor fix a toilet or pipes. Hedoesnt really do any plumbing.

DENNISThen how the hell is he yourplumber?

FRANKWell. The term "plumber," is, like,a euphemism or something. You know.As in, "My quote unquote plumberwill bleach your anus for $50 anhour."

McNapkinRob walks into the bar.

MCNAPKINROBYo mamas so fat, that after sex,she smokes turkeys.

FRANKYeah. Im gonna have to canceltodays performance, Ed. Your showgot cancelled on account of lowratings.

MCNAPKINROB(in normal vice, with noScottish accent)

Oh. Well. You got me for five hourstoday. Is there anything else youwant me to do?

CHARLIEUh. How would you feel aboutplaying a Jew in a fajita in ashoe?