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IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA "The Gang Writes For Children" Written by Rodney Ohebsion Copyright 2015

It's Always Sunny -  the Gang Writes for Children (5)

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  • ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

    "The Gang Writes For Children"

    Written by Rodney Ohebsion

    Copyright 2015

  • TITLE: 12:15 pm

    TITLE: On a Wednesday

    TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

    OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:

    DEEOK. My book club is gonna be heresoon.

    INT. PADDYS PUB - DAY

    Dee, Dennis, Mac, Charlie, and Frank are by the bar area.Dennis is polishing a glass.

    DEEPlease dont embarrass me thistime. Just, stay over here by thebar.

    CHARLIEWhat are you talking about? Me andFrank joined the club.

    Three WOMEN (40-45) walk into the bar.

    WOMAN 1Hey, Dee!

    DEEHey.

    (to Charlie)Youre not in the club. OK?

    The Women sit at a table. Dee, Charlie, and Frank join them.CHARLIE

    Hey, ladies. Im Charlie, and thisis Frank. Were in your book club.

    WOMAN 2Oh. OK.

    Everyone sits down at a table.

    DEEActually, no. They...

  • 2.

    FRANK(to everyone)

    OK. Ill go first.(gets up)

    Hi, my name is Frank, and Im areader.

    CHARLIEHi. Frank.

    DEEThis is a book club--not an AAmeeting.

    FRANK(to Everyone)

    Anyways. This week, I read a PeopleMagazine article about how ReeseWitherspoon got a yeast infection.

    CHARLIEOK. My turn.

    (gets up)Hi. My name is Charlie, and Im areader.

    FRANKHi, Charlie. What did you read?

    CHARLIE(to everyone)

    The Cat in the Hat.

    DEEWell--the rest of us read WutheringHeights.

    Frank sits down.

    CHARLIE(to Everyone)

    Heres my main issue with The Catin the Hat. You flip through 61pages--and even if you have someoneread all the words to you, youstill never find out why the cat iswearing a hat.

    FRANKThats why you should read PeopleMagazine. They explain exactly howReese Witherspoon got a yeastinfection.

  • 3.

    DEEYou guys arent in the club! Soplease just go over there!

    CHARLIEFine. Whatever. Your club isstupid, anyway.

    Charlie and Frank walk back to the bar area, where Dennisand Mac are. Dennis is still polishing the same glass.

    CHARLIEI was just thinking. Dr. Seussmade, like, a jilliion dollars withThe Cat in the Hat. So how about wewrite our own childrens book?About a goat in a boat.

    Opening credits: "The Gang Writes For Children"

    FRANKOK. First things first, lets givethe book a catchy title.

    CHARLIEI got one. Wuthering Goat.

    FRANKThats perfect.

    MACHow about The Goat in a Boat?

    FRANKThats even better!

    CHARLIEHow about The Wuthering Goat in aBoat?

    FRANKThat depends.

    CHARLIEOn what?

    FRANKOn what the word "wuthering" means.

    Back to the table where Dee and the Women are sitting

  • 4.

    WOMAN 1...I could really identify withCatherines love of Heathcliff.

    DEEMe, too. I also liked the way shedressed. She wore the cutestoutfits.

    WOMAN 1Dee. Did you watch the movieinstead of reading the book?

    DEEWhat? No. Of course not.

    (points to the book she has onthe table)

    I have the book right here.

    WOMAN 2And where do you have the movie?

    DEEIts on Netflix. I mean, I dontknow. Did they make a movie out ofWuthering Heights? They shouldnthave made a movie. Cause I preferthe book.

    WOMAN 1At least tell me you didnt watchthe 2014 version, starring LindsayLohan.

    DEEHey! Lindsay Lohan is a phenomenalactress--OK? Mean Girls, HerbieFully Loaded, Wuthering Heights.Shes great in all of those movies.

    WOMAN 2I think we better go.

    DEEFine! Get lost, whores! All of youare whores who think youre toogood for Lindsay Lohan movies.

    The Women start getting up and leaving.

    The guys are still at the bar.

  • 5.

    CHARLIE...And the boat will be red. Nowlets move on to the goat. I say wemake it orange.

    FRANKRight. Unless the goat iswuthering--in which case well makeit pink.

    Dennis stops polishing his glass.

    DENNISWill you guys stop talking aboutthis crap!? No ones gonna read abook about a goat in a freakingboat.

    Dennis resumes polishing his glass.

    MAC(to everyone else)

    Hes right. We should write a bookabout an ape in a cape.

    CHARLIEI hear you. And well call the bookWuthering Ape.

    FRANKIm sticking with a goat in a boat.

    CHARLIEYes! Hes a goat, hes in a boat,he eats oats, he wears a coat, andhe has the right to vote foranother goat.

    MACDude. No. Ape in a cape.

    CHARLIEI have an even better idea. Letsput the goat in a cape.

    MAC"Goat" doesnt rhyme with "cape."

    CHARLIEWhat do you mean rhyme?

  • 6.

    MACRhyme. Like all the rhymes you justmade. Goat, vote, coat, boat, oat.

    CHARLIEDude--I didnt notice how thosewords rhyme. I just thought, a goatin a coat in a boat votes and eatsoats. Thats a good story. But itwould be better to put the goat ina cape. And it would be better totake out the voting. Cause, Imean, now that I think about it,goats dont really believe indemocracy.

    Dee grabs a few beers from the bar, takes them back to hertable, and sits down. She opens one of the beers and startsdrinking it.

    DEE(to herself)

    So what if they read the book?Those bitches dont even appreciateWuthering Heights the way I do. Ididnt just watch the movie. Icompletely took in all thewuthering, and all the heights.

    (drinks some more beer)Wuthering Heights.

    (drinks some more beer)(in British accent)

    Wuthering Heights.

    Back to the guys

    CHARLIEWait! I got it! Lets do a whale ina pail who drinks ale, deliversmail, wears a cape, and just gotout of jail after making bail.

    FRANKI see your whale in a pail, and Iraise you a cheetah in a fajita.

    CHARLIEWait a second. Are you guysthinking what Im thinking? Howabout we put the whale in a fajita?

  • 7.

    FRANKHold on! I got it! A Jew in a shoe!

    CHARLIEAre you guys thinking what Imthinking? Lets put the Jew in afajita.

    Dennis is still polishing his glass. He stops and finallyinterjects

    DENNISDamn it Charlie! These ideas keepon getting worse and worse. Noones gonna read a book abouta whale in a cape, or a Jew infajita. OK? I mean, kids dont readbooks anymore. They watch TV.

    MACThats true. What we got to do ismake a TV show like Spongebob.

    CHARLIEWait. Are you guys thinking whatIm thinking?

    DENNISDamn it, Charlie. You better notsay anything about puttingSpongebob in a fajita.

    CHARLIENo. Sponge and Bob have bothalready been done. Lets dosomething original. Well go with anapkin named Rob.

    MACAnd what about the cape?

    CHARLIENo cape. A kilt. Our character isScottish. Hes McNapkinRob.

    Dee is still drinking beer at her table.

    DEE(to herself)(in British accent)

    Heathcliff is the one I love themost. Its Heathcliff. But I simplycannot marry him.

  • 8.

    (Later)

    Dee now has four empty beer bottles on her table.

    DEE(to herself)(in British accent)

    Tonight, I shall find out his truefeelings.

    Mac, Dennis, Charlie, and Frank are still seated at thetable, and here are empty beer bottles all around them.

    MACOK. So, our best idea so far isOwen, the half black half MexicanSnowman.

    Dee walks up to them.

    DEE(in British accent)

    Hello, father. Heathcliff. Edgar.Hindley.

    MACDee. What do you want? Werebusy. Were creating a characterfor our childrens show.

    DEE(in British accent)

    I see. Well. Many have remarkedthat I have considerable skill insuch arts.

    DENNISWhat the hell are you talkingabout?

    DEE(in British accent)

    I have created a number of amusingcharacters over the years--forinstance, Martina Martinez, TaiwanTammy, and Captain Barnacle.Perhaps I might assist you increating a childrens character.

    CHARLIE(to the others)

    Wait a second. Are you guysthinking what Im thinking?

  • 9.

    FRANKYes. We should put the fajita in ashoe.

    CHARLIENo. I was thinking that Dee wouldmake a good character. Just, youknow, as Dee.

    DENNISYes. Shes like Spongebob, onlyshes not a dumb blondesponge--shes a dumb blonde woman.

    MAC(to Dennis, Charlie, andFrank)

    Shes Ditzy Dee.

    DENNISAlright. Lets start drawing thisup. Do any of you know how to draw?

    MACI know an alcoholic artist. We canpay him in beer.

    INT. BAR - DAY

    AL (40) is sitting at the bar with Dennis, Mac, Charlie,Frank, and Dee.

    MACAl. This is Dee. We need you todraw a cartoon character based onher.

    ALA cartoon character? You mean,like, Dee the bird?

    MACYes! Thats a great idea!

    DEE(in British accent)

    Well. It does not strike me as aparticularly good idea.

    CHARLIEStrike? Dee--were not talkingabout baseball.

  • 10.

    DEE(in British accent)

    Gentleman. I must make my return tothe yard. I bid thee farewell.

    MACDee. Will you please stop talkingso much? Were trying to work here!

    Dee leaves.

    ALBefore I start working, Im gonnaneed some of my payment first.

    MACRight. Yeah. Ten beers.

    (Later)

    Al is sitting next to ten empty beer bottles.

    Dennis is still polishing a glass. Frank and Charlie arenearby. Mac is doing push ups in another section of the bar.

    ALAlright. Im done.

    Frank looks at the drawing.

    FRANKInteresting.

    Dennis looks at the drawing.

    DENNIS(to Mac)

    Uh. Mac. You might want to comeover here and look at this.

    Mac walks over to Al and looks at his drawing.

    MAC(to Al)

    What the hell is this?

    The drawing is actually a Tic Tac Toe board with a few Xsand Os.

    ALUm. Yeah. I dont really know howto draw.

  • 11.

    CHARLIEAlso, your Tic Tac Toe strategy iskind of crazy. I mean, you drew allyour Xs backwards and upside down.

    DENNISMac. I thought you said he was analcoholic artist.

    MAC(to Al)

    Arent you an alcoholic artist?

    ALIm just an alcoholic. Not anartist. Can I have another beer?

    MACYou can have anotherget-the-fuck-out-of here.

    FRANK(to Mac, Charlie, and Dennis)

    I see what the problem is. Thisguys not Korean. We need to hireKoreans to do the animation.

    CHARLIEYou mean Korean alcoholics?

    DENNISYou know what? We dont needanimators. We can make this, like,a live action show.

    MACRight. Yeah. Dee will wear a capeand eat grapes, and then well filmthe whole thing with a studioaudience.

    FRANKRight. So where the hell is Dee?

    INT. DEES APARTMENT - DAY

    Dee is standing and talking to nobody.

    DEE(to herself)(in British accent)

    (MORE)

  • 12.

    DEE (contd)I believe Edgar is planning topropose to me. But should I marryhim, when my heart belongs toanother?

    The doorbell rings. Dee opens it to reveal Mac, Dennis, andCharlie. Charlie is holding a box wrapped in newspaper.

    DEE(in British accent)

    Heathcliff. Edgar. Hindley. Whatbring the three of you here?

    DENNISWe got you a gift.

    DEE(in British accent)

    What for?

    CHARLIEYou see. Were trying to manip...

    Dennis pokes Charlie.

    DENNISWere trying to manipulate thesystem that says you can only buygifts for a reason. We bought you agift just because.

    CHARLIEYeah. Just because were trying tomanipu...

    MACCharlie! This is the part where youstop talking, and hand Dee thegift.

    Charlie hands Dee the box.

    DEE(in British accent)

    Come in.

    They walk in. The four of them sit down. Dee examines thebox.

    DEE(in British accent)

    Why is this wrapped in newspaper?

  • 13.

    MACBecause we have manners--so wewouldnt give you a gift thatwasnt wrapped.

    DEE(in British accent)

    I see. However, it is customary towrap a gift in gift wrap.

    DENNISIts the same thing, Dee! Paper ispaper!

    DEE(in British accent)

    But why did you use the obituarysection. I mean, you couldve atleast...

    CHARLIEDee! Will you just open the damngift so we can manip...

    DENNIS(to Dee)

    Just open the gift, Dee!

    DEE(in British accent)

    Calm down, Hindley. I will open thegift.

    Dee sits down and opens the gift. It contains a roll of ducttape, a bunch of grapes, and a cape with banana peels tapedto it.

    DEE(in British accent)

    Hm. Tape. Some grapes. And a cape.

    MACYeah. You know. Like, if you wantto tape something, you can use thetape. And if you want to eat grapeswhile youre wearing a cape, youcan use the grapes and the cape.

    the doorbell rings. Dennis opens it to reveal Frank, ROBERTO(45, Mexican), and 20 MEXICAN CHILDREN. Frank is holding afew pizza boxes.

  • 14.

    FRANK(to the Children)

    Everyone go in. Entra, entra.

    The Children come in and sit on a sofa.

    DEE(to Frank)(in British accent)

    Who are these visitors, father?

    FRANKTheyre my friends. Theyre justgonna hang out with us for a while.

    (to Everyone)Pizza time!

    He puts the pizza boxes on a table in front of the Kids.

    One Child walks up to Mac.

    CHILDSenor. Donde esta los bebes?

    MACI dont hablo. And Im gonna needto see your green card.

    DENNISFrank. Can I talk to you for asecond?

    Frank walks over to Dennis, and Charlie and Mac join them.DENNIS

    Frank. Why is our studio audienceMexican?

    MACYeah. I mean, I might have to callup immigration on them.

    FRANKYou told me to bring over a bunchof kids. So I went to my plumberRobertos house, and I brought overhis kids and his kids cousins, andI told them wed have a pizzaparty. So there you go. Your studioaudience.

  • 15.

    CHARLIEGood thinking.

    DENNISYeah. That is good thinking. Exceptfor one minor detail. Our studioaudience doesnt speak English!

    MACAnd theyre illegal immigrants.Theyre using up our tax money.

    FRANKWell. Robertos five kids speakEnglish--but their cousins dont.

    DENNISWell our show is in English. Nowthree quarters of our audienceisnt gonna understand it.

    FRANKJust convert it to a Spanish show.The Spanish speaking market ishuge. Spanish is the second mostpopular language in the world.English is number three.

    CHARLIEWhats number one?

    FRANKChinese.

    CHARLIEThen why arent we doing a Chineseshow?

    FRANKBecause we dont know Chinese.

    CHARLIEWe dont know Spanish, either.

    FRANKWell. You know the basics. Si, no,burrito, sombrero. Just have Deesay yes to a hat.

    DENNISThats not the show, Frank. Yourecompromising our artistic vision.Our artistic vision doesnt involveDee saying yes to a hat.

  • 16.

    MACDude. I think youre totallymissing the true essence of ourartistic vision.

    DENNISWhich is?

    MACThat Dee is a bird.

    Dee walks over to them.

    DEE(in British accent)

    What the Dickens is going on here?

    DENNISDee--well explain everything toyou, right after you put on thecape, eat some grapes, say yes to ahat, and act like a bird, and startspeaking Spanish.

    DEE(in British accent)

    What?

    DENNISIts que. Not "what."

    CHARLIE(privately to Dennis, Mac, andFrank)

    Wait a second. Does grape rhymewith cape in Spanish?

    DENNISWhatever. Roll the tape, Mac.

    Mac takes out his cell phone and starts recording Dee.

    FRANK(announcing to everyone)

    Damas y caballeros. Welcome-o tothe El Dee Show.

    MAC(to Dee)

    Alright, Dee. Start acting like abird.

  • 17.

    DEE(in British accent)

    What, pray tell, are you talkingabout? I know not of what you mean.

    DENNISDee! Stop speaking British, andstart speaking Spanish!

    DEEListen, you idiot! Im not aMexican childrens show character!

    (in British accent)Im Catherine. I reside atWuthering Heights.

    DENNISYoure Ditzy Dee! DD. No onesgonna watch a show about DitzyCatherine. Youre compromising ourartistic vision.

    MAC(to Dee)

    But on the plus side, youre doinga good job with the whole birdtheme.

    DENNISYeah. Thats true.

    (to Dee)Keep doing the bird thing.

    DEE(in British accent)

    Gentlemen. I can assure you thattheres no bird-ery taking placeright now.

    The doorbell rings.

    DENNISWho the hell is that?

    Dennis opens to the door to reveal MCNAPKINROB--a 40 yearold man holding a bottle of whiskey, and wearing a cape anda hat, as well as a kilt made of napkins.

    DENNISUh. Who the hell are you?

  • 18.

    MCNAPKINROBIm McNapkinRob!

    CHARLIEHoly crap! Its McNapkinRob!

    MACRight. Yeah. Hes wearing a napkinkilt.

    McNapkinRob walks in.

    DENNISUm. How is there an actual personnamed McNapkinRob?

    McNapkinRob drinks whiskey while Charlie sings.

    CHARLIEIm gonna sing the McNapkinRobtheme song.

    (sings)McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / He isa Scott / And a napkin / He does alot / Of tap dancing / He wears acape and a kilt and a hat / Helltell you that yo mamma is so fat/ He uses his napkin powers toclean / He uses his Scottish powersto drink / His home is shaped likea bottle of whiskey / His car looksa lot like a box of napkins / Hewatches reruns of Lucy and Ricky /And Cheers, The Simpsons, and alsoWhats Happening?

    DENNISUm. Im pretty sure all McNapkinRobdoes is drink whiskey.

    DEE(in British accent)

    I must concur with the gentleman.

    MCNAPKINROBYo mammas so fat, she has her ownzip code.

    FRANKYou gotta say it in Spanish,McNapkinRob.

  • 19.

    MCNAPKINROBUh. Tu mama es so gordo, she, uh,ella, uh, tiene un numero de zipcode-o.

    Some of the Children laugh.

    FRANKKids. Do you, uh, te gusta ElMcNapkinRob?

    CHILDRENSi. McNapkinRob.

    FRANK(to Mac, Dennis, and Charlie)

    I think we got a hit. Charlie--yougotta sing the theme song inSpanish.

    CHARLIE(sings)

    McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / Sisombrero, no burrito / Tu mama esgordo, tu mama es loco

    INT. PADDY-S PUB - DAY

    Mac and Charlie are at the bar.

    MACMan. Im freaking hung over.Something about hanging out withMcNapkinRob--it just made me drinklike crazy.

    CHARLIEThats McNapkinRobs specialty.Making other people drink.

    MACI thought his specialty was makinghimself drink.

    CHARLIEActually, I think his specialty isbeing a napkin.

    Dee is seated at a table with three new WOMEN. Dee isdrinking whiskey straight out of a bottle.

  • 20.

    WOMAN 4Well. It was a tough book to read,but I thought it was reallyrewarding. It really made me expandmy mind, and look at the world fromnew perspectives.

    DEEYeah. And, um, I really enjoyedwatching the relationship betweenMaggie and Herbie develop. And Iliked how the number 53 was rightthere on Herbie.

    WOMAN 5Um. That wasnt in Finnegans Wake.It sounds like youre describingthe movie Herbie Fully Loaded.

    DEEWell. What I meant to say was that,um, I was fascinated by how, like,Finnegan ate Pop Tarts everymorning. I think that was ametaphor for his, like, love ofbreakfast.

    WOMAN 4Now it sounds like youredescribing a Pop Tart commercial.

    DEESo? Whats your point? Do you havesomething against Pop Tarts, orLindsay Lohan? Lindsay Lohan isgreat actress. And you three arepretentious whores! Anyone whoreads Finnegans Wake or any otherbook is a pretentious whore!

    WOMAN 5I think we better go.

    They get up and start to leave.

    DEEFine! Go! I dont care! And if yousee Finnegan, tell him to kiss myass!

    They walk out. Seconds later, Dennis enters.

  • 21.

    DENNISAlright, guys. Good work yesterday.

    DEEWhat do you mean good work? SomeScottish guy wore napkins and drankwhiskey for an hour in front of abunch of Mexican kids. Thats notwork.

    DENNISDee. We said speak Spanish---OK?

    MACDude--we dont need Dee to speakSpanish anymore. Remember? Wedropped Ditzy Dee, and we went withMcNapkinRob.

    DENNISEven so, I still think Dee shouldspeak Spanish. That way we wontunderstand all the dumb shit thatshe says every day.

    MACGood point. I didnt think ofthat. By the way--did you put thevideo on YouTube?

    DENNISYeah. I uploaded it, like, an hourago.

    CHARLIEAlright. Lets see how many viewswe got.

    Mac takes out his cell phone and types.

    Frank enters.

    MACOK. McNapkinRob. ... Uh. 25 views.

    CHARLIEWell. Thats a good start. I mean,it takes time time for a Mexicanchildrens show to go viral.

    DEEMcNapkinRob is a stupid character,and a racist stereotype. You need agood character--like Taiwan Tammy.

  • 22.

    DENNISDee. Will you please close yourel-mouth-o? OK? Either stoptalking, or at lease speak Spanish,so we wont understand you.

    FRANK(to Mac)

    Did our video get any of those dotcom rating things?

    MACUh. We got 2 thumbs up, and 16thumbs down.

    DENNISAre there any comments?

    MACYeah. One says, "McNapkinRob isgay." Another one says,"McNapkinRob es un maricon." Andanother one says, "The cameramanprobably wants to bangMcNapkinRob." Dude. How could thisguy even know that?

    DENNISYou mean you do want to bangMcNapkinRob?

    MACNo.

    FRANKWell. I guess McNapkinRob iscancelled.

    CHARLIESays who? I mean, when Spongebobdebuted, they also called him amaricon.

    DENNISHeres what I dont get. How wasthere an actual McNapkinRob inDees apartment?

    CHARLIEWhat do you mean?

  • 23.

    DENNISLike, some actual guy namedMcNapkinRob showed up. How is thatpossible?

    MACRight. Yeah. I got so caught up inMcNapkinRob fever, that I forgotabout that. How is there a guynamed McNapkinRob?

    CHARLIEWhat are you talking about? I mean,if theres a McNapkinRob themesong, theres gotta be aMcNapkinRob.

    DEEBut you made up the theme song.

    CHARLIESo?

    DENNISSo how is there an actualMcNapkinRob?

    CHARLIEBecause theres a McNapkinRob themesong--so theres gotta be aMcNapkinRob.

    FRANKMcNapkinRob is Ed Franklin--myother plumber. I figured Dee mightnot stick to our script, so Ibrought in my other plumber as abackup on the show. Yeah. Myplumber will do pretty muchanything for $50 an hour. Exceptfor fix a toilet or pipes. Hedoesnt really do any plumbing.

    DEEThen how the hell is he yourplumber?

    FRANKWell. The term "plumber," is, like,a euphemism or something. You know.As in, "My quote unquote plumberwill bleach your anus for $50 anhour."

  • 24.

    McNapkinRob enters.

    MCNAPKINROBYo mamas so fat, that after sex,she smokes turkeys.

    FRANKYeah. Im gonna have to canceltodays performance, Ed. Your showgot cancelled on account of lowratings, and people calling you amaricon.

    MCNAPKINROB(in normal vice, with noScottish accent)

    Oh. Well. You got me for five hourstoday. Is there anything else youwant me to do?

    FRANKUh. How would you feel aboutplaying a Jew in a shoe?

    MACDude. No. A goat in a boat.

    CHARLIEAre you guys thinking what Imthinking? Lets put the goat in aJew.

    DENNISShut your damn mouth, Charlie!

    (to Dee)And Dee--shut your mouth, too!