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IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA Spec Episode "Mac Gets a Faith Intervention" Written by Peter Harrison Egan Adress: 350 Park St., Montclair NJ, 07042 Email: [email protected] Phone: (973) 452-5059

Spec Script: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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Mac Gets a Faith Intervention

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Page 1: Spec Script: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Spec Episode

"Mac Gets a Faith Intervention"

Written by

Peter Harrison Egan

Adress: 350 Park St., Montclair NJ, 07042Email: [email protected]: (973) 452-5059

Page 2: Spec Script: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

COLD OPEN

TITLE: 11:00 AM

TITLE: On a Tuesday

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

OVER TITLES, WE HEAR: 1A 1A

REPORTER (V.O.)They’re calling him “Philly Jesus”.

FADE IN:

INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY1 1

A female REPORTER (late 20s) sits behind a news desk. Above her head is a flashy nightly news graphic that reads “Philly Jesus”.

REPORTEROver the past week, more than 10 Philadelphia senior citizens have reported receiving a nightly visit from someone they believe to be Jesus Christ.

The news report rolls footage of an OLD WOMAN (80s) in a wheelchair. She sits in her tiny living room.

OLD WOMANI saw him! As plain as you or me! I woke up in the night to check on my cat and I saw him. Jesus. Standing in my bathroom.

Back to reporter.

REPORTERWhile police were quick to suspect a string of serial burglaries, no instances of theft have been reported. A truly miraculous phenomenon.

CUT TO:

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INT. PADDY’S PUB - CONTINUOUS2 2

Mac stands near the TV as the report wraps up. He shuts off the TV and addresses CHARLIE, DEE, FRANK, and DENNIS, all watching the report from the bar.

MACBoom. Suck it losers!

Dennis, Charlie, Dee, and Frank stare at Mac for a second, then turn back to the bar, dismissive.

MAC (CONT’D)Uh... Hello? Did nobody hear me? I said... SUCK IT, LOSERS!

DENNISWhat? Suck it? Why?

MACUh, because this proves I was right all along.

CHARLIE‘Bout what?

MACGod? Jesus? Christianity?

FRANKChrist. C’mon, Mac.

DENNISDude, it’s way too early for this.

DEEYeah, don’t tell us to suck it, man. You suck it!

MACYOU SUCK IT, DEE. YOU ALL SUCK IT. JESUS CHRIST IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR AND HE HAS COME BACK TO US! SO ALL OF YOU NEED TO--

DENNISMAC! MAC! Calm Down! All right, enough is enough! Y’know, we’ve been talking about this for a while but... I think the time has come.

Frank and Charlie nod in agreement.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 2.

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MACWhat? What have you been talking about!?

DEEDo we really wanna do this now?

DENNISMac, we’ve been polite enough about this in the past... but I think it’s time for a faith intervention.

CUT TO: MAIN TITLES

Title: “Mac Gets a Faith Intervention”

Title: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

CONTINUED:2 2IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 3.

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ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. PADDY’S PUB - MOMENTS LATER 3 3

Dee, Mac, Frank, and Dennis sit on stools in a semi circle around Mac as if he is on trial.

MACWhat is this?

DENNISIt’s a faith intervention. Kinda like a divine intervention but the opposite.

MACYou want me to stop being a Christian?

CHARLIEIf it’s not too much trouble.

DENNISWe just think it’s time you gave it a rest. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun at first. Y’know, with the rampant homophobia and anti-Semitism.

CHARLIEIt made you you.

DENNISExactly. But now... it’s just gotten a little played out. All these holly roller lectures and constant attempts to convert us. Enough’s enough, y’know?

MACWhat? Constant attempts? That is not true.

DEEIt’s kind of true.

CHARLIEYeah... it averages out to like twice a week.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 4.

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DENNISRight, and to be honest, your tenacity toward making me embrace religion has made me lose what little religion I actually had.

MACWell, excuse me for caring about your eternal souls!

DEEFor the record, I’m not 100% on this whole thing.

MACThank you, Dee.

DEEI mean, what is faith, really? Just lies we tell ourselves to get through the day. I have plenty of those.

MACHey!

DEEHonestly, I kinda envy Mac sometimes. I wish I could believe in something to distract me from the horrible empty void of reality.

DENNISNot me. I’m fine with the void. I embrace it. It’s liberating. Religion is the opiate of the masses.

FRANK(upset)

What about opiates? Who said anything about opiates! You can’t prove nothing!

DENNISWhat the hell are you talking about?

FRANK(suspicious)

I-I gotta go. I’m sick of this. Enough about the void, enough about Jesus. I’m out of here!

CONTINUED:3 3IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 5.

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Frank hops off his stool and makes for the door.

CHARLIEFrank? Frank!?

DENNISWay to show a united front, Frank!

DEEWhat’s up his ass all of a sudden?

CHARLIEI dunno. He’s been acting really strange lately. He’s staying out late, sneaking around. I better follow him. Sorry, guys.

DENNISCharlie, get back here!! You’re ruining this intervention!!

Charlie pursues Frank out the front door.

MACSay whatever you want Dennis, but my faith isn’t just a delusion. There’s nothing you can do to make me give it up.

DENNISWell, I didn’t want to have to resort to this, but what if we had a little wager. A friendly bet.

MACAbout what?

DENNISWhether or not I can make you lose your faith. If I win, you have to stop trying to convert us. Forever.

MACThat doesn’t sound very friendly.

DENNIS(patronizing)

Why not? Faith is strongest when it’s tested, right? If you went around with your faith unchallenged, how would you even know how strong it was?

CONTINUED: (2)3 3IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 6.

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MACI guess that makes sense. All right, I accept. When I win, you guys have to come to church with me every Sunday for the next year.

DENNISFine.

DEEWait, what are we doing?

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - PRIEST’S OFFICE4 4

Mac and Dennis are in a small church office. Shelves of religious books line the walls, as well as paintings depicting bible scenes. They sit in front of an elderly catholic PRIEST. He speaks with a thick Irish brogue.

PRIESTAh, now. What can I do for you folks then?

MACFirst off. I just wanted to thank you... for taking time out of your busy schedule. We all know you must be pretty busy around here considering what’s been going on.

PRIESTHm, what’s that now?

MACHello? The second coming? Philly Jesus? The Messiah returns?

PRIESTOh! That! Right. Although, we don’t like to jump to conclusions, but what a peculiar thing that is?

DENNISYes, yes. We’re all very lucky. Look, can we just get down to business.

PRIESTBusiness?

DEECut the crap. We need a test!

CONTINUED: (3)3 3IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 7.

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Reveal Dee sitting next to Dennis and Mac.

DENNISDee? How long have you been here?

DEEI walked in with you guys.

DENNISEhh, I don’t think so.

MACYeah, we would have noticed.

DEEYou’re serious? I drove!

MACWhatever. Why are you here, though?

DEEI wanna be a part of the test. Maybe being a witness to this, whatever way it goes, will help me figure out my faith crisis.

PRIESTExcuse me, but what test?

DENNISMy friends resistance to accept reality and embrace the void has worn us down. We’re in the market for a real heavy duty, official test of faith. Is there a standard procedure for that kind of thing?

DEELike some sort of exam or a ditto or something?

PRIESTWhat in blazes are you talking about?

MACForgive them, your magnificence. They’re godless heathens. While it is true that I’ve accepted their challenge, I’m simply trying to prove to them that my faith can stand up to any trial they present me with.

CONTINUED:4 4IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 8.

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PRIESTWell... we’re not really in the business of providing that sort of thing. We’re more in the business of giving faith.

MACOh, you don’t have to worry. I’m a rock. My faith isn’t going anywhere. Oh, and if I win, these two have to come here every Sunday for a year. Bonus!

PRIESTSon, a test of faith isn’t really something you can evoke. It’s something God sends to you. A trial or a terrible event that can be overcome with the power of faith.

As the priest talks, Mac’s attention drifts to a painting hanging on the office wall.

PRIEST (CONT’D)This is what sainthood is all about really. It’s not so much about magic tricks and superhuman feats. It’s about truly special individuals doing the impossible with the power of Christ.

The painting depicts Saint Daniel in the famous biblical parable of ‘The Lions Den’. Mac is transfixed.

PRIEST (CONT’D)Do you understand my son?

MACHm? Oh, I wasn’t really listening. Sorry bout that.

PRIESTExcuse me?

MAC(to Dee and Dennis)

Guys, I know what I’m gonna do.

CUT TO:

CONTINUED: (2)4 4IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 9.

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EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - LATER5 5

Dee, Mac, and Dennis stand outside the lion enclosure at the Philadelphia Zoo. They look down directly into a high walled terrarium housing seven full grown African lions.

MACI’m going into the lion’s den.

One male lion yawns, showing its fearsome teeth. Dennis and Dee cringe, Mac beams with confidence.

EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS - LATER6 6

Charlie happily pushes Frank down a city sidewalk in a shopping cart.

CHARLIEHey, Frank, man. I gotta talk to you about something.

FRANKWhuzzat?

CHARLIEYou’ve been awful flaky lately. What gives? You’ve missed ‘Night Crawlers’ practice like 3 times this month.

FRANKCharlie, I told you. ‘Night Crawlers’ is not a competitive game. We don’t need to practice.

CHARLIEIT’S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE-- <calms himself>.

Frank holds Charlie by the shoulders.

FRANKCharlie. Charlie. Calm down and listen. I gotta tell you something, but you gotta promise me you’re not gonna let the others in on it.

CHARLIEFrank, what’s going on?

FRANKStop here.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 10.

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Frank hops out of the cart. Charlie pushes the cart into the street. Off-screen TIRE-SCREECH.

Frank and Charlie turn a corner. Reveal a van.

Frank pulls a key fob out of his back pocket. He hits a button and the van unlocks.

Frank gestures for Charlie to open the back doors as he makes his way around to the front of the van and disappears.

CHARLIEFrank?

The inside of Frank’s van resembles a mobile pharmacy. Orange prescription bottles and baggies of pills line shelves and spill out of cardboard boxes.

Charlie stands, mouth agape.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)Frank, what in the hell is all this?

Reveal Frank in a full Jesus costume, fake beard, crown of thorns, stigmata hands.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)Jesus!

FRANKChrist!

END OF ACT ONE

CONTINUED:6 6IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 11.

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ACT TWO

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - MIDDAY 7 7

Dee and Dennis stare dumbfounded at Mac as he sizes up the lion’s den. He makes measurements with his hands as he mutters to himself about his preparations.

DENNISMac? Mac, now, when you said you were <air quotes> ‘going into the lion’s den’ <end air quotes>, you don’t actually mean you’re going into that literal lion’s den do you?

DEECrap, Dennis I think he does. He brought us all the way out here. He made me pay the admission.

DENNISYeah, it was a really awkward ride here from the church, Mac, you wouldn’t say a thing.

MACDo you two not know the story of Saint Daniel.

DENNISWhat?

MACDaniel, a Christian, was condemned to die for his beliefs, but his faith in the lord allowed him to survive a night in a den of ferocious lions.

DENNISMac, that’s just a story! That’s not real.

MAC(high and mighty)

Excuse me, Dennis. Do not belittle my faith. Do not tread on my rights.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 12.

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DEE This isn’t about your rights, Mac. You can’t survive in a den of lions.

MACYou heard the priest, through faith alone, I have the strength to manifest miracles.

DEEHe didn’t say that. At all. In fact, when you asked if that’s what he meant, he told you outright that wasn’t what he meant.

DENNISMac, we’ll find another test. This is way too extreme. As much as I’d love to prove you wrong, and I’m certain this would do it, You pay half my rent. Okay? No lions.

MACYou’re just scared I’ll win.

DENNISAbsolutely not.

DEEOf course not.

MACYou know what, I don’t need your support. I feel it within myself. So go ahead and doubt me.

DEEOh, zero doubt.

DENNISYeah, unequivocally. You will die.

MACOh, ye of little faith.

DENNISNo, we of zero faith. Look, y’know what. I’m done. This isn’t faith. This is lunacy! Either come to your senses or don’t.

Dennis storms off.

CONTINUED:7 7IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 13.

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DEEDennis, Dennis!! Wait! You have my keys! Ugh!

Dee turns to Mac.

DEE (CONT’D)(sincerely)

You really think you can do this?

MACYay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; for thou art with me.

Dee ponders Mac’s words.

DEEYeah, that’s f**king insane. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Dee follows after Dennis.

DEE (CONT’D)Mac! Don’t kill yourself, you asshole! Dennis!!!

MAC(shouting)

I don’t need you guys! SUCK IT! DEE! SUCK IT!!

DEE(shouting)

OH, YOU SUCK IT!!

Dee flips Mac off as she turns a corner.

Mac scoffs and continues scoping out the lions den. He flags down a passing zoo employee.

MACExcuse me! What would you say are this zoo’s major defensive flaws? Unrelated side question: what time do you close?

INT./EXT VAN - NIGHT8 8

Frank drives the van, still dressed in his bible attire.

CONTINUED: (2)7 7IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 14.

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FRANKCharlie! Charlie, you back there?

CHARLIE (O.S.) Yeah man, I’m not sure where you thought I’d get to. I’m right here.

FRANKWell you been awful quiet. I can’t see too good on account of this beard. Screws up my peripheral vision.

CHARLIEYeah, but it looks good.

FRANK(flattered)

Yeah? How’s yours coming?

Reveal Charlie, who emerges from the back of the van in a full Jesus costume, a perfect match for Frank’s.

CHARLIEY’know, Frank. Over the years, you and I have been in a lot of different outfits and costumes, but I gotta say. I think this one just feels right.

FRANKYou like it?

CHARLIEDude, totally. I feel like this may need to be my new uniform. Check it. The robe, floor-length. It sweeps as I walk, that’ll save me a ton of time. This Beard? Perfect for the walk-in when I gotta change the kegs.

FRANKYou do often complain about face coldness.

CHARLIEAnd this crown deal...

Charlie removes his thorn crown and brandishes it like a weapon.

CONTINUED:8 8IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 15.

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FRANKRat Stick 2.0! Rat Hoop.

CHARLIEExactly! Frank, I know we rented these, but when this is done I may have to go back and make this baby mine all mine. I feel like I’ve found my real skin. I may never wear pants again.

FRANKWell, I’m glad this is workin’ out for you buddy.

CHARLIEBut, Frank?

FRANKWhat?

CHARLIEWhy are we dressed like bible guys driving in a van full of prescription drugs?

FRANKCharlie, I need your help. I’ve been running this scam for a while now. I wear this geddup, sneak into old geezers’ houses, and I raid their medicine cabinets. If I get caught, I just make like I’m some sort of vision from god and they let me go. Works every time.

CHARLIEWait, I thought the TV said nothing was stolen?

Frank reaches back and grabs a bag of pills from the back.

FRANKI replace ‘em with sugar pills. Perfect crime.

CHARLIEWow Frank... that is pretty impressive.

FRANKI want you to join me. I wanna cut you in on this. We’ll be partners.

CONTINUED: (2)8 8IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 16.

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Frank pulls over in front of a nicely landscaped building. A sign outside reads ‘Placid Waters Retirement Community’.

CHARLIEWhere are we?

FRANKOld folks home.

CHARLIEWhat’re we doing here?

FRANKCharlie, the media’s on to me. I can’t keep this up. I’m going for the big score. One last job.

Charlie, nervous, and Frank, excited, look out the van window.

INT./EXT DEE’S CAR, PHILLY STREETS - DUSK9 9

Dee and Denis drive back to the bar.

DENNISGoddamned Mac, he’s gone off the deep end.

DEEI know. He’s completely lost it.

DENNISSee what I’m saying Dee, his faith is driving him insane. He’s reached critical mass. You envy him for that?

DEENo. Not at all. I don’t know what I was thinking. Faith is a crutch. I’m just gonna embrace emptiness, y’know? We exist in a deep dark void and nothing will ever change that.

DENNISI’m so proud of you. Hey, y’know what might make us feel better.

DEEWhat?

CONTINUED: (3)8 8IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 17.

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DENNISIf we figured out a plan for what we’re gonna do to rub Mac’s face in it once we win.

DEELike, prepare how we’re gonna gloat?

DENNISI find that a healthy indulgence in overconfidence helps make the win that much sweeter. And hey, since you’ve been surprisingly agreeable, I figure I should let you decide what we do.

DEEOh... okay. Lemme think.

Dee thinks intensely for a few moments before she’s hit with an epiphany.

DEE (CONT’D)Oh! How about... like a giant banner in the pub.

DENNISA... a banner?

DEEYeah, and it says ‘SUCK IT, MAC’ on it.

DENNISThat’s your gloating strategy? A banner?

DEE(nervous)

Yeah...

DENNISWell... I suppose during the course of your sad, sad life you don’t get a lot of opportunities to gloat. It would make sense that you’re not very good at it.

DEE(ashamed)

I’m sorry.

CONTINUED:9 9IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 18.

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DENNISNo no. A banner it is. We’ll... make a banner.

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - DUSK 10 10

A loudspeaker blares on.

LOUDSPEAKER VOICEAttention all Philadelphia Zoo patrons, We will be closing in 10 minutes. Please make your way to the nearest exit. We hope you had a wild time!

The message repeats periodically.

Employees bustle around shutting down the zoo, vendors close up, employees clock out, the lights go off.

The zoo is quiet.

In front of the lion exhibit, a public trash-can begins to rustle.

Mac pops out of the trash can, disguised in tactical camouflage makeup and a black tank top with a white cross on it. He holds his ‘Project Bad-ass’ video camcorder.

VIDEO FROM MAC’s CAMERA:

Mac holds the camera above him, angling down, he speaks directly to the audience.

MACWhat’s up! Welcome to a very special episode of Project Bad-ass! I’m undercover right now. I’m taking on my greatest challenge yet: saving my friends souls.

END VIDEO

Mac ducks back into the trash can as zoo employee’s pass.

BACK TO VIDEO:

MAC (CONT’D)All right. Let’s do this!

CONTINUED: (2)9 9IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 19.

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Mac tries to quickly jump from the trash can, but topples it over, falling on his face. The camera tumbles around before resting on his crumpled body.

Mac staggers to his feet, grabs his camera, and switches it off.

END VIDEO

INT. PLACID WATERS RETIREMENT HOME - HALLWAYS - NIGHT11 11

A hallway lined with doors in what is revealed to be a very rundown retirement home, a stark contrast from the neatly manicured front lawn. Each door has a medical chart hanging next to it, a complete pharmaceutical record of the tenant within.

Charlie, holding a flashlight, sheepishly roams the hall.

Frank waddles up behind Charlie with a flashlight. He shines the light at each chart as he passes.

FRANK(whisper shouting)

Charlie!? Charlie! I just checked the front lobby, there is basically no security in this place.

CHARLIEYeah, I noticed that. I don’t think I’ve ever said this before, but this place is way too disgusting.

FRANKI told you Charlie. Nobody cares about these bone bags. They just dump ‘em here and keep em doped up so some Puerto Rican nurse can rob ‘em blind.

CHARLIEFrank, when I’m old, promise me you won’t do this to me.

FRANKCharlie, when you’re old, I’m probably not gonna--

Charlie stops walking and grabs Frank by the shoulders.

CONTINUED:10 10IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 20.

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CHARLIEFRANK, YOU PROMISE ME! YOU PROMISE ME RIGHT NOW!!!

FRANK(whisper shouting)

Yeah! Sure, Charlie! Just, be quiet!

They continue walking.

CHARLIEOkay good.

FRANKI’m gonna go down the west corridor, you take the right.

CHARLIENo wait. Let’s just stick together.

FRANKWhy!?

CHARLIEI mean, I don’t really wanna steal anything...

FRANKCharlie, the whole point of the two man team is so we cover more ground.

CHARLIEOkay, but... can we just do one together first.

FRANKOkay okay, just please be quiet.

They approach a door, Frank shines a light on a clipboard hung on a nearby wall.

FRANK (CONT’D)Jackpot! Gladys Truman. 89. Glaucoma, arthritis, severe joint pain. She’s a motherload. Dope, Vicodin, Morphine! Morphine, Charlie.

CHARLIEFrank... I don’t think I wanna do this.

CONTINUED:11 11IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 21.

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FRANKCharlie, don’t you Judas on me now. It’s too late! Now get in there!

CHARLIEBut I--

Frank opens the door. Reveal GLADYS, sitting up in a rocking chair with a gun pointed right at Frank and Charlie.

FRANKShit.

END OF ACT 2

CONTINUED: (2)11 11IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 22.

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ACT 3

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - LION ENCLOSURE - NIGHT12 12

Mac stands along the railing near the lion’s enclosure. He eyes up the lions as they lay sleeping. A rope has been tied to the railing that descends into the enclosure.

Mac breathes deep in an effort to prepare himself. He loosens up his shoulders.

VIEW FROM MAC’S CAMERA:

Mac points his camera directly at himself.

MACI’ve always been a humble soldier of God. I’ve dedicated my life to becoming an unstoppable force of nature so that I may better serve him. Now, I put my faith to the ultimate test. Totally bad-ass.

The camera moves as Mac places it on the railing, positioning it with a view of the sleeping lions.

END VIDEO

Mac joins his hands in prayer.

MAC (CONT’D)Lord, tonight I ask you for safety and peaceful passage through this dark trial. I undertake this challenge so that I may show my friends the power of your righteousness, but also so that I finally tell them to suck it when I prove that you totally exist.

Mac climbs over the guard rail and grabs the rope, preparing himself for his descent.

Mac notices his camera begin to droop.

MAC (CONT’D)Shit.

Mac reaches over to fix it, losing his balance.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 23.

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Mac tumbles head first into the lions den, crashing onto the floor of the enclosure.

Mac moans in pain, but slowly raises his head.

His camera falls directly on to his head, knocking him unconscious.

INT. PLACID WATERS RETIREMENT HOME - NIGHT13 13

Frank and Charlie stand frozen in horror as Gladys points her gun directly at them. She remains completely still.

FRANK(improvising)

Son of a-- uhh, a blessed evening. We are... We are a holy vision! Sent to you, Gladys.

Frank shoulders Charlie in the ribs.

CHARLIEOh uh, yeah. It is I, my child. Jesus, son of God. King of the Jews. Multiplier of... bread.

Gladys keeps her gun pointed on Charlie and Frank.

FRANKKeep it up, Charlie.

CHARLIEUh... I uhh... Frank, I’m blanking out!

FRANKSay some bible stuff, I’m gonna make a break for the medicine cabinet!

Frank ducks down and rolls into the room. Gladys doesn’t look away from Charlie.

Riffling sounds can be heard as Frank raids the bathroom.

CHARLIEUhh, and... Lo, doth I descend unto you from my kingdom... my kingdom on high. FRANK! This isn’t working!

FRANK (O.S.)Say a prayer or something!

CONTINUED:12 12IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 24.

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Gladys remains frozen on Charlie.

CHARLIEI am Jesus, Lord of Heaven. Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day I held my magic sword aloft--

FRANKWhat is that? Is that He-man!

CHARLIEWELL YOU COME OUT HERE AND HELP I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!!! I DON’T GO TO CHURCH!

Frank returns holding up his robe like a pouch. It is of full orange prescription bottles.

FRANKThis is all a dream. Like I said, holy apparitions. Nothing’s wrong. We bless you in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. Amen.

Frank touches Gladys on the forehead to ‘bless’ her. Puzzled, he holds it there.

FRANK (CONT’D)Charlie, she’s cold as ice.

CHARLIEFrank... this lady hasn’t moved once since we got here.

Frank waves his free hand in front of Gladys’ eyes.

No response.

Charlie walks over and grabs the gun from her. She falls over stiff as stone.

FRANK(baffled)

Broad’s dead...

Frank and Charlie look at each other in amazement.

CUT TO:

CONTINUED:13 13IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 25.

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EXT PLACID WATERS RETIREMENT HOME - MOMENTS LATER14 14

Frank and Charlie, terrified, run as fast as they can out of the front door of the building. Frank still clutches on to his pouch full of pills.

They run down the driveway and climb into the Van.

CHARLIEFRANK, DRIVE!!!

Frank guns it and the van takes off.

The front door of the retirement home opens. An old man watches the van speed off.

INT./EXT - VAN/PHILLY STREETS - MOMENTS LATER 15 15

Charlie and Frank drive away. Charlie is frozen in awkward, terrified silence.

Frank takes a pill from his pile of bottles and pops it.

Charlie looks at him in amazement and disgust.

FRANK(offended)

What?

INT. PADDY’S PUB16 16

Dee and Dennis are on their hands and knees in the back of the bar. A large spool of paper is rolled out, and the two paint in large blocked out letters that read ‘SUCK IT, MAC’.

DENNISY’know, Dee. I gotta admit. When you first proposed this banner gloat scheme I was hesitant, but now I’m starting to come around.

DEE(genuine)

You like it?

DENNISIt has a certain blunt intensity to it. It’s a bold statement, and a message I think we can all get behind.

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DEEYeah. Mac can suck it.

DENNISIndeed he can.

DEEWow... Dennis, do you realize this is the longest we’ve ever really been on the same page?

DENNISI know, it feels good for once. I definitely don’t want to make a habit of it, but it seems to be working for now.

DEESo you’re already sure this won’t last?

DENNISOh, of course. I give it another few hours, tops before you say something completely obnoxious and we’re at each others throats. Let’s just enjoy it for now, though.

Charlie and Frank enter, still dressed in their robes and beards. They walk silently over to the bar and begin to drink.

DEEWhat the hell?

DENNISWhere have you two been?

DEEAnd why are you dressed like that?

FRANKDon’t ask!

Charlie buries his head in his arms and begins to sob lightly.

FRANK (CONT’D)For Christ Sake, Charlie. Get over it!

Dee and Dennis walk over.

CONTINUED:16 16IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 27.

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DENNISBullshit. You can’t just show up dressed like Jesus and say you don’t want to talk about it...

FRANKWatch me.

DENNISCharlie? Charlie, are you crying?

Charlie raises his head. He stares blankly into the middle distance, his eyes red with tears.

CHARLIE(traumatized)

Life... it’s so fleeting.

DENNISUh... yeah buddy.

CHARLIEI mean, one day you’re young and healthy and the next you’re shoved off to some terrible nursing home to be mistreated and belittled... and then you just die... That can’t be all there is. There has to be more.

DENNISNo... that’s about it. Just accept it.

CHARLIEBut what if I can’t accept that?

DENNISThen you wind up like Mac. And trust me. You don’t want to be like Mac.

FRANKWhere is Mac?

DEEWe left him at the zoo. He’s gonna try to break into the Lion enclosure to prove some stupid point about God. What an idiot.

DENNISTotal idiot.

CONTINUED: (2)16 16IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 28.

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DEEYeah, he can suck it! We made a banner that says so. Dennis and I are on the same page for once.

DENNISNot for long.

DEENot for long, but for once.

FRANK(eyeing the banner)

That’s a quality banner, kids. I’m proud of you.

CHARLIEWait... Mac’s gonna get eaten by lions?

DENNISWhat? No.

DEEHe’ll just puss out. Then we’ll never have to hear any of his dumb God crap again.

CHARLIE(panicked)

Frank, we need to go!

FRANKWhat are you talking about?

CHARLIEDon’t ask, just go! Now!

FRANKWhat? We just got here!

CHARLIEFrank, I need you on this one.

DENNISWhat are you two up to?

CHARLIELet’s go. Now!

FRANKBut, I wanna help with the banner. I never get to paint anymore.

CONTINUED: (3)16 16IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 29.

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Charlie removes his crown of thorns and threatens Frank with it.

CHARLIEFRANK, NOW!!

FRANKFine! All right! Stop it! Kids, save me some paint!

The two exit.

Dennis and Dee stare at the front door as they hear the Van take off.

DENNISJesus Christ.

END OF ACT 3

CONTINUED: (4)16 16IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 30.

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ACT 4

INT. PURGATORY - N/A17 17

DREAM SEQUENCE:

Mac walks into a void of complete whiteness. He looks around in disbelief.

MACWhere am I?

SAINT DANIEL (O.S.)You are at peace my, son.

MACAm I... dead?

A regal and majestic man, SAINT DANIEL (also played by Danny DeVito), appears before Mac. He radiates benevolent energy.

SAINT DANIELIt is not your time.

MACOh... sweet. Saint Daniel.

SAINT DANIELRonald, You have made god’s will manifest. You have gone above and beyond to show your friends his mercy. But, it is not his will that you endanger yourself in this way.

MACWhat?

SAINT DANIELThere is no need to put yourself to this trial. You have done enough.

MACWhat are you talking about? I gotta win the bet. I wanna rub their faces in it. They gotta suck it.

SAINT DANIELMac, pride is a road to ruin. There is no righteousness in--

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MACWith all due respect your holiness... but it sounds like you don’t believe I can do this.

SAINT DANIELMac, of course you can’t. They... they’re f**king Lions. Giant African cats. They’ll tear you to shreds in an instant.

MACWhat about you? You survived in the den of lions.

SAINT DANIELI didn’t do that! Nobody could do that. That’s just an anecdotal proverb. A parable.

MACA what?

SAINT DANIELA story made up to teach people a lesson.

MACBut miracles are all around us. Philly Jesus. The second coming.

SAINT DANIELMac. That’s not what faith is about. Faith isn’t about miracles and saints. It’s about steadfast resolve and holding on to your beliefs even when you don’t have proof to back them up.

MAC... Yeah. Nah.

SAINT DANIELWhat?

MACNo... No, I think I got this. I’m gonna survive and then I’m gonna rub Dee and Dennis’s face in it.

SAINT DANIELYou’re serious? Were you not listening?

CONTINUED:17 17IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 32.

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MACI don’t think you’re right. I think God’s in my court on this one.

SAINT DANIELMac, I’m Saint f**king Daniel. Trust me. Lions are bad news. You need to get out of here ASAP!

MACEh... I think I’m gonna just go with the gut on this one. Seeyah, Danny.

SAINT DANIELMac!? MAC!

END DREAM SEQUENCE

FADE TO:

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - CONTINUOUS18 18

CHARLIEMac!? MAC!

Charlie shouts down to Mac from the guard rail of the lion enclosure.

Mac is still completely unconscious.

Frank runs behind Mac, still holding his pills.

FRANKCharlie! Is he down there!?

CHARLIEYeah. Frank, We gotta go get him. I think he’s knocked out!

FRANKYou crazy? I’m not going in there. Charlie, what the hell has gotten into you?

CHARLIEI’m not sure, but everything we’ve been through tonight... all that junk about faith, and death, and dignity. We can’t let Mac die. God or no God, life is precious!

CONTINUED: (2)17 17IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 33.

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FRANKScrew life! I got something better! <holding up bottles> Vicodin, Xanax, Morphine! If Mac wants his god to save him, let him find out the hard way.

CHARLIE(conflicted)

Ah... shit. Look, if you’re not gonna help me, fine. I’m going in. I gotta. For Mac. For Gladys.

Charlie hops the guard rail and guides himself down Mac’s rope.

FRANKCharlie! This is nuts!

Charlie continues down, but his robe gets caught on the rail.

CHARLIEDamn’it! The robe.

Charlie reaches up to unhook himself but loses grip on the rope.

FRANKCharlie!

Charlie hits the ground with a hard thud.

CHARLIE(in pain)

Son of a bitch! I think I broke my leg.

One of the lions resting in the enclosure begins to stir.

FRANKCharlie! You woke the cat! You woke the cat!

CHARLIEFRANK, DO SOMETHING!

Frank looks around in desperation. He breaks into a cold sweat. He looks down at his pill pouch.

FRANK...Shit.

CONTINUED:18 18IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 34.

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EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - DAWN19 19

Mac lies sleeping on the floor of the lion enclosure.

He stirs.

He looks around him, dazed.

Startled, he rises to his feet. He looks out over the small enclosure.

Each lion remains completely still, collapsed in a pile amongst the rocks. He stands amongst them unharmed, much like the painting that inspired him. He grins ear to ear.

Mac turns to climb up the rope, laughing and celebrating.

Mac escapes the Lion’s den and takes off full sprint through the zoo laughing and screaming. Church bells ring and an angelic chorus praises his victory.

EXT. PHILLY STREETS - MOMENTS LATER20 20

Mac continues his victorious run through the streets of Philadelphia.

INT. PADDY’S PUB - MOMENTS LATER21 21

Dennis and Dee are asleep on the floor surrounded by spilled paint and empty beer bottles.

Mac bursts through the doors of the bar, head held high.

MACHALLELUJAH!

Dennis squints as he gets up off the floor.

DENNISMac?

DEEWhat the?

MACYOU GUYS! I DID IT! I SURVIVED! The Lord protected me! Wait, why are you guys sleeping here on the floor. What’s with all the paint.

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DENNISDee and I... our alliance didn’t last. It was inevitable. She said something about bubble letters being better than block letters and we just snapped. We ended up shouting and binge drinking and I guess we just passed out.

Dee stirs from her sleep, her face covered in paint.

DEEAw crap, the banner!

The banner is ruined, covered in more spilled paint.

MACServes you both right. You messed with God and he turned his back on you.

DENNISWait a minute. Bullshit you survived the night! There’s no way you actually went through with it.

MACThe last thing I remember I was going down into the pit, and then I woke up this morning completely fine.

DEEWhat, you expect us to believe that? Where’s the proof?

MACWait... that’s it. Proof. You guys. I met Saint Daniel. He came to me in a vision. He told me that faith is... wait. What did he say? Well, either way. I don’t have to prove anything to you jabronies.

DENNISNo! No, wait. That’s impossible.

DEE We demand a re-test.

CONTINUED:21 21IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 36.

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MACNo need. I won, you guys lost. And both of you... can suck it!

Dee, Mac and Dennis begin to shout and argue unintelligibly. They get right up in each others faces. The only phrase that can be made out is a constant refrain of ‘suck it’ from all three of them.

Suddenly, they’re silenced when Dee’s phone begins VIBRATING. She takes it out of her pocket and looks at the caller ID.

DEECharlie?

Dee answers her phone.

MACWait, where are Charlie and Frank?

DENNISThey were here last night...

Dee is listening to her phone.

DEEWhat the?... Frank, calm down! Where are you! Stop screaming... All right. I’m turning it on now.

Dee turns to Mac and Dennis.

DEE (CONT’D)(exhausted)

He says to turn on the TV. I don’t know.

Dennis grabs the remote out of a can of paint and turns the TV on.

The TV shows helicopter footage of Franks van being chased by cops down a highway.

REPORTERIf you’re just joining us, Philadelphia police are still in hot pursuit of two men suspected of breaking into the Philadelphia Zoo last night and severely injuring 6 African lions.

DENNISWhat the...

CONTINUED: (2)21 21IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 37.

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The TV report shows the 6 Lions being rushed to intensive care.

REPORTERIt may be too early to tell, but veterinary experts are pointing toward massive drug overdose. The two men were caught by surveillance cameras, driving away from the location late last night.

The television shows surveillance camera footage of Frank and Charlie driving off in the van, still in disguise.

REPORTER (CONT’D)Authorities believe the men to be of Middle Eastern descent, possibly Israeli. If you have any information on their whereabouts, please call.

Dee and Dennis look at Mac.

DEESuck it, Mac.

END OF SHOW

CONTINUED: (3)21 21IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16 38.