Thirty Days Having the Courage and Confidence to Do

What You Want, Meet Whom You Want to Meet, and Go

Where You Want

What's Holding You Back?

(Sam Horn / St. Martins Griffin/1997/335Pages/$15.95)

(NBS) () , , , , (Summary) . () ,

, .

- 2 -

What's Holding You Back?

Thirty Days Having the Courage and Confidence to Do

What You Want, Meet Whom You Want to Meet, and Go

Where You Want

The Big Idea

Do you feel awkward walking into a room filled with strangers? Are you uncomfortable

about going to new places alone? Are you painfully self-conscious and do you wish for

more confidence? According to bestselling author Sam Horn, people are not born

confident. Rather, confidence is a skill that anyone can attain. What's Holding You

Back? is a simple and yet powerful self-help book that teaches readers how to unleash

their full potential..

Part 1- Howd I Get So Messed Up, Anyway?

Day 1: Understanding the Six Cs of Confidence

The first step that you must undertake to possess confidence is to understand the six

factors that can create or hinder it. The six factors are:

1. Communication skills. The strength of your relationships may be directly

proportional to your ability to communicate with others. If you are unable to say what

you want or articulate what you feel, this may prove to be a great liability.

2. Concept. Do you like yourself? If your answer is no, then you are probably not

self-confident. After all, you are only truly confident when you believe in your

self-worth.

3. Competence. Being good doing a certain job, sport or talent will give you an

opportunity to excel and thus, boost your confidence.

4.Contribution. You want to make a difference in this world. It is just not enough to

make money and to have fun. You need to matter. You need to know that somehow

you have made the world a better place.

5. Control. Take charge of your life. If you are merely forcing yourself to do things

because you have to, rather than because you want to, you will find it difficult to like

yourself and the life you live.

6.Courage. It is normal to feel anxious whenever you take risks. What is important is

that you must refuse to give in to your fears. Have the courage to do what is right for

you.

Part 2- Communication: The Keys to Connecting

- 3 -

Day 2: Dont Wait, Initiate

To attain the right level of self-confidence, you must learn how to communicate

effectively with other people. Remember that relationship-building is a very important

skill you must learn.

Here are some tips you can use:

*Approach people positively. Always use the Give it a Chance mentality whenever

you go to parties or gatherings you wish you didnt have to attend; or meet new people

you are not really interested in.

*Do not allow fear to stop you from doing what you should be doing.

*Do not be afraid to take the initiative.

*Speak Up. Sometimes, you lose the opportunity to meet new people and potential

friends because you are waiting for them to make the first move.

Day 3: SMILE to Form Favorable First Impressions

First impressions matter. In fact, they matter A LOT. Unfortunately, a lot of people

are uncomfortable at the thought of meeting others for the very first time. There are

actions you can do, however, that can guarantee a good impression almost

immediately.

S = Smile

- 4 -

Have you ever noticed that you often smile back whenever another person smiles at

you? Consider that the next time you give a speech, a presentation, or even if you are

just meeting someone for the first time.

M = Make the Shake

How important is a handshake? Consider the following:

1.A handshake eliminates awkwardness.

2.A handshake connects people.

3.A handshake with eye-contact shows sincerity.

4.A handshake forces us to reach out to other people.

I = Intriguing Introduction

The next time you introduce yourself, use words that reveal more of yourself to others.

Remember that if you do not show interest in what you do and who you are, others

would probably not show interest to you.

Wouldnt it be more interesting to say, Im a full-time mom instead of Im a

housewife?

L = Learn the Name

Use the following four steps to remember the names of the people youve just met:

1.Commit. Make a deliberate decision to remember a persons name.

2. Concentrate. During the first few seconds of initial introduction, ignore other

distractions and focus your attention on the other person.

3.Attention on the face. Study the other persons face.

4.Numerous repetitions. Repeat the name aloud upon introduction and silently repeatit

to yourself three times or more.

- 5 -

E = Eye Contact

They say that the eyes are the heart of the soul. Even if you are shy, try to look into

other peoples eyes to show your sincerity. Your words may become meaningless if

the other person sees that you avoid eye contact.

Day 4: Converse with Comfort

Here are some tips you can utilize in order to become a good conversationalist:

*Show interest in the person you are conversing with.

*If you are unsure of what to say, ask the other person a question.

*Ask open-ended questions that seek to reveal feelings and not just facts.

*Seek the other persons opinion and listen to advice.

*Use the words Tell Me

*Use Cues and Ws.

-Cues are key words that a person just used. If a person said, I just got back from

China, China is the key word.

-Follow-up with the Ws. What did you do in China?; When did you get back from

China?

*Close conversations courteously.

- 6 -

Day 5: Cure Self-Consciousness

Sometimes, even if you use the above tips, you cant help but still feel a little

self-conscious. These will help you lose your shyness and switch consciousness:

*Use the 4 Ls when you are engaged in a conversation:

-Look at peoples faces.

-Lean forward.

-Lift your eyebrows.

-Listen with yourhead cocked to one side.

*Remember that one of the best ways to impress people is by merely listening to them.

*Be fair and allow other people the opportunity to speak.

*Orchestrate interesting and useful discussion.

*Put others at ease.

Day 6: Go Solo

There are advantages when you choose to go solo. When you are by yourself, you are

free to do what you want without having to put other people into consideration. Still,

going solo is a frightening idea for some. Here are some tips you can useto feel

confident when you are on your own:

*Dont allow your fear to stop you from going alone.

*Once youre there, request or offer assistance.

*If you are in a party on your own where everyone seems to know each other, use the

four-step process:

1.Look for a group that is not gathered in a tight circle.

2.Walk over to the group and stand an arms distance away. Slightly lean in with your

head cocked to one side, and follow the conversation with your eyes.

- 7 -

3.If any person in the group looks at you, say the following words: Okay if I listen in?

4.The group will part and make space for you to join them.

Do not join the conversation immediately. Listen to what everyone says and throw in

some conversation pieces once in a while until you gain acceptance.

Remember that solitude can be a good thing and be content with it.

Day 7: Make and Keep Friends

To live a fulfilled live, you need friends and family. Unfortunately, due to chaotic and

changing environment you live in, it is not surprising that friends are lost along the way.

It is important that you find time to bring back friends and to make new ones. Rather

than considering time spent with your friends as time wasted, consider the time you will

spend with your friends as a brief moment of respite from this crazy world.

If youre new in town with no friends, seek people with similar interests. Or better yet,

find other people who are new as well and are going through the same thing. Seek out

support groups.

Day 8: Catapult Your Career with SOCIALSAVVY

Sometimes, even the most hardworking and most talented people get passed over for

promotions or other forms of recognition at work. You must remember that it not

enough that we do our jobs. You have to ensure that other people see that you are

doing your job well. Use these three steps:

1.Cultivate a Mentor. Find a sponsor. Look for someone you admire who is ahead in

his or her career. Gain the favor of the person who controls your career.

2.Become a Visibility Virtuoso. It is not enough that you do your job, you must get the

people in power to notice you. Grab opportunities where upper management can see

you in action. Join organizations for bigger visibility in the business community.

- 8 -

3.Be Uncommonly Courteous. Write thank-you cards to people who have contributed

their time, energy, and thoughts to your cause. Not only will it keep you connected, it

will give a favourable impression.

4.Give for the Giving. Give without expecting anything in return.

Part 3- Concept: Its All in Your Head

Day 9: Put the Past in the Past

Whether you had a good childhood or not; a good authority figure or none at all; you

must stop living in the past. However, this is not an easy thing to do. If you were not

treated with value when you were younger, it might be hard to believe that you have

value now.

Here are some tips you can use to put the past in the past:

*Stop blaming others. Remember, you are now responsible for whatever that is going

on in your life.

*Stop carrying grudges.

*Learn to forgive yourself over past actions and mistakes.

*Instead of wallowing in the past, use it as an incentive.

Day 10: Spring Free from the Comparison Trap

When you start comparing yourself to others, you risk being unhappy. Remember that

your self-worth does not depend on other people. Instead of feeling superiority or

inferiority, we should instead admire others and aspire to succeed in the same way they

did.

Instead of being insecure when someone is doing better than you are, pay him or her

silent compliments. Learn to appreciate other peoples achievements instead of

- 9 -

envying them. Stop thinking that you have to be better than everybody else. Instead,

respect other people and their efforts.

Day 11: Who Do You Think You Are?

How do you feel about yourself? If you dont think you are much to begin with, then

you have problems.

*Learn to give yourself the credit you deserve.

* Refrain from making negative comments to yourself, about yourself. Instead, think

positive statements.

* Dont dwell on your mistakes. Instead, dwell on your achievements and positive

qualities.

*Count your blessings.

*Establish reasonable expectations. Dont set goals that are impossible to achieve.

Day 12: Set Up a Success Spiral

The next time something goes really wrong, do not blow your top at yourself or the

people around. Instead, take a step back and plan how you can handle the situation

better the next time around. Instead of pointing fingers or wallowing in the problem,

look for solutions.

- 10 -

Once in a while, something youve been looking forward to might turn out to be a

disappointment. When that happens, look at the bright side of things. If you

committed a serious mistake, consider it an opportunity for improvement.

By doing so, you are boosting your self-confidence by not kicking yourself for

committing errors. You eliminate unnecessary fear and anxiety. Applaud your

victories and look at mistakes as merely bumps on your way to progress.

Day 13: Who Cares What People Think (I Do, I Do)

The truth is, you do care about what other people think- even when you say you dont.

The problem begins when we base our opinion on ourselves on how other people think

of us. Wanting approval is not bad. Needing approval, on the other hand, affects us

negatively.

When you rely on other peoples approval, you are placing your self-confidence in the

hands of others. Your self-esteem will go up peaks and valleys depending on how

other people view you at the moment.

Still, this does not mean that we should not listen to other peoples opinions because

they may very well be right. The best way to balance this is to come up with a cons

and pros list.

Part 4- Competence: What Are You Capable Of?

Day 14: Tap into Your Talents

What are you good at? If you find that you are unable to answer that question, you are

not giving yourself enough credit. Look within yourself. You might be doing

something at a regular basis without realizing that you it is a specialized skill.

- 11 -

Find a hobby. You might have even abandoned a certain activity you loved doing

because other people thought you were wasting your time. Remember that unutilized

talents are worthless.

When you have figured out what you want to do, become a master. Mastering a skill is

not as hard as it sounds. With continued attention and perseverance, you can only

keep getting better.

Day 15: Play of the Day

Do not underestimate the power of fun. Make time for your hobbies and take the time

to relax. You might ask what fun has to do with confidence. Remember that

whenever you live a fun and fulfilled life, you increase your self-esteem.

Take 15 minutes of every day to recreate yourself. Slow down and remember that

sometimes less is more. Why build yourself a gigantic money-making enterprise when

you wouldnt have the time to enjoy the fruits of your labor anyway?

Day 16: Help Others Create Confidence

A lot of the people around you suffer from lack of self confidence. You might be

tempted to help them, but sometimes, helping others who suffer from lack of

self-esteem might make it worse. Remember that doing something for someone may

rob them even more of the confidence they need.

However, this does not mean you should stop offering assistance. Instead of helping

people inneed, help them help themselves. Instead of doing the task for them, guide

them while they do their job.

You must also learn to express encourage. Show the people around you that you have

confidence in their abilities and strengths. Help them realize that they have a valid

- 12 -

place in this world and that they are needed.

Part 5- Contribution: Make Your Life Matter

Day 17: Leave a Legacy with the Four Es

It is only when you start making a contribution to this world that you really live. Instead

of seeking the good life, seek a good life. You might have all the material and

superficial things in the world; but if you are empty within, it wouldnt matter.

Find something you care about to which you can contribute. Live a life where you can

serve. Give back to the community and reap lifes rewards. Consider that sometimes

internal wealth is more important than external wealth. All the money in the world can

not buy true self worth.

Consider the four Es of Influence and try to strengthen other people and your

community through them:

1.Example

2.Encouragement

3.Excellence

4.Education

Day 18: Set an Example

How do other people see you? Do they see you as a good example or the other way

around? It is important that you are seen as a person with integrity and good character.

Sometimes, even the simplest actions of integrity can be considered heroic acts by

others. What you must remember is that you should do your best to do what is morally

good. To sum it up, always try to do what is right. After all, you cant expect to have a

- 13 -

high regard for ourselves if you know you are setting the wrong example for everyone to

follow.

Confidence is doing the right thing even when no one is watching. If you can do the

right thing even if others are not, it only means that you have the courage to do what is

good.

Day 19: Be an Encourager

An encouraging word or statement can do wonders. The truth is, everyone in this

world can do better with just a little bit more praise. Everyone seeks to be recognized

for a job well done. Remember that the more kindly you treat others, the higher your

self-esteem will be. Here are some ways you can encourage others:

*Give gratitude. Be appreciative of the efforts of others.

*Be a blessing to someone by providing gracious compliments.

*Always say Thank You when someone gives you a compliment.

*Believe in others and tell them about it.

Day 20: Stand for Excellence

Do you remember a certain authority figure in the past that pushed you until you

performed to your true potential? Although you might not have liked him or her then,

you are probably more appreciative now.

It is difficult to motivate people to do things they dont want to do. Still, it is important

that you hold people accountable for doing the things that should be done.

To motivate people, use the seven steps to stop others from slacking off:

1. Ask yourself, Was the expectation or standard outlined and agreed to in the

- 14 -

beginning?

2.Ask yourself, Has the expectation or standard been consistently enforced?

3. If the standard wasnt outlined at the outset or enforced consistently, admit that it is

your fault.

4.Say, Starting as of ____, and state a specific target date with a built-in transition

time.

5. Specify measurable, positively phrased expectation and outline the exact

consequences if she chooses not to comply.

6.Ask, What is your understanding of our agreement?

7.Schedule a follow-up appointment.

Day 21: Serve by Educating

You might have had a teacher or mentorwho once fired up your passion or fed your

interest in what would one day be a fruitful career. One of the best things you can do is

to thank the person today.

Consider becoming an educator yourself. Share your talents and expertise with others.

Pass on your skills. Nothing is too small to share. Remember, some of the things

you teach might benefit others by the thousandfold.

Part 6- Control: Whos in Charge?

Day 22: Look for Some Body to Love

Although you might think its a small thing, how you view your body greatly affects your

self-esteem. Do you like the way you look? Do you view yourself as having physical

imperfections? Are you in good health?

What you must realize is that it is impossible to be confident if you are secretly

uncomfortable with your physical features. To help you with this:

- 15 -

1. Think of your body parts you like and learn to appreciate them.

2.Think of the body parts who dont like but you know you cant change (i.e. height).

Accept them.

3.Think of the body parts you dont like that you can change (i.e. pot belly). If it is

important enough to change, then act towards it. If not, accept them.

Day 23: Say Bye-Bye to Butterflies

It is normal to feel anxious in several situations. However, it is important that you learn

to control feelings of anxiety because they may affect your performance. One way to

go about this is through the five-step method to being the picture of confidence:

1.Conduct a mental dress rehearsal.

2.Picture the bad stuff and plan how you can handle your worst nightmare with poise.

3.Use the drive time to the event wisely. Use positive phrases.

4.Create a one- or two-word command to clear out mental clutter.

5.Control your thoughts during downtime with rituals.

Day 24: Just Do It

To be confident, you must be in control of your life. You might have fallen into some

routine or habit that you know is not necessarily good for your professional or personal

- 16 -

growth.

If this is the case, do not procrastinate. Opt to change your life for the better.

Remember that if you succeed in changing one small habit, it will lead to you changing

other habits. You will become more confident as you are on your way to becoming the

ideal person you want to be.

Stop telling yourself you wont do it. Instead, tell yourself that you will do it. Think of a

habit youve been trying to change. Proceed and focus on the outcome. Think of how

much changing will change your life for the better.

Day 25: Know What You Stand For (And What You Wont Stand For)

Confidence is also about knowing when to stand up for yourself when you are being

wronged. If you keep allowing people to step all over you, you will lose your

self-esteem.

Sometimes, the people who may be bullying you might not even know they are doing so. The only solution to this? You must speak up. If you dont like what other people are

doing to you and yet fail to make an effort to correct it, you are also at fault.

Here are some tips on how to handle difficult people without being overly aggressive:

1.Assess the situation objectively.

2.See both sides.

3.Express what you want, not what you dont want.

4.Remember that the responsibility rests with you.

5.Take action.

Part 7- Courage: Go for the Bold

Day 26: Take Life by the Lapel

You have to learn to take responsibility of your life. The best way to do is to put your

- 17 -

heart and soul into it. Learn to take advantage of the opportunities you have. Be

optimistic and not pessimistic.

You must also realize that although youcant control everything that happens in your life,

you can control how you feel about them. Instead of being depressed whenever

something wrong happens, be optimistic that things will get better and be thankful that

you were given the opportunity to learn.

Appreciate life at its finest. Count your blessings and you might be surprised at how

many things you have to be thankful for. Remember, the world is a wonderful place-

only if we allow it to be.

Day 27: Face and Erase Your Fears

How often do you allow yourself to be a prisoner of your own fear? Do you want to

leave your 9-5 job and start your own business but refuse to do so because you are

scared of the financial consequences?

Sometimes, being overly cautious can be bad for you. You might forever be stuck in

your comfort zone and lose the chance to live a happy and fulfilled life. Its time to look

back at your dreams and consider taking them one step forward.

Take the leap of faith. Throw your hat over the fence so you have no choice but to

climb the fence even if you are scared of what may be at the other side. Why move

- 18 -

away from a path of growth?

Of course, it is always best to evaluate risks before taking them. After all, your fears

may actually be justified. Take the following steps to minimize your risks:

1.Research.

2.Incubate.

3.Support Group.

4.Knowledge.

5.See it as a done deal.

Day 28: Bring in the New

Choose how you want to live. Remember that no one else should be making this

choice for you. If you are in a rut, consider changing your life anew. Dont wait for

SEEs (significant emotional events) to happen before you undertake life-changing

actions. Do not waste your time.

As a busy individual, you might have probably noticed that your day is often made up of

routines. You need to determine whether these routines are hindering you from

enjoying life. If these routines dont serve any good purpose, maybe its about time you

devote your time to something new.

Even if you think that everything is just fine the way it is, you must still allow yourself the

chance to grow. Confident people seek both security and opportunity in their lives.

Remember that monotony might be safe, but it is not the best way to live.

Day 29: Dare to Dream

At your age, you might have had dreams that were shattered along the way. You

might be wondering why your life is not the way you dreamed it should be. One thing is

- 19 -

for sure- it is not too late.

Keep your dreams alive. Look within yourself and unearth your long-lost dreams.

Use the three questions to help you re-discover what they are:

1.If you only have less than a month to live, what are the two things youd want to do?

2.What one thing would you love to achieve in the next three years?

3.Think back five years ago and ask yourself if you have made progress since.

Part 7- From Start to Finish

Day 30: Ready, Set, Grow!

You can have the wonderful life you seek right now. All you have to do is to have

CONFIDENCE:

C = Coach your mistakes.

O = Open your heart and mind.

N = Needs in balance. Speak up.

F = Face your fears.

I = Initiate.

D = Dare to dream.

E = Example and Excellence.

N = No comparing.

C = Cultivate friendships.

E = Encourage and educate

* * *

[ (NBS) ,

(Summary) . Book Review

- 20 -

,

. .]