RAISING KIDS
TO THRIVEBased on the American Academy of
Pediatrics book Raising Kids to Thrive by Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg’s
Presented by Kellie Hill, MS, LPC-S,NCC
ABOUT KELLIE Grew up in N.Y. Graduated from UST
with a B.A. in education
Graduated from UHCL with a M.S. in Counseling
Counselor for 12 years Licensed Professional
Counselor;National Certified Counselor
3 daughters all at Carpenter
Divorced parent Runner
Overview 1. About Dr. Ginsburg
2. Part I – Unconditional Love –VS- High
Expectations
3. Part II – Protection –VS- Learning From Life’s
Lessons
4. Part III – Rebooting: Moving Towards the
Relationship You Hope to Have
5. Questions and Comments
DR. KENNETH GINSBURG• Pediatrician; Professor of
Pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Medical School
• Author of the bestselling book Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings
• Co-authored Raising Kids to Thrive with his two teenage daughters
This Book Will Help You:
• Raise kids who will succeed now and in the future.
• Understand why helicopter parenting undermines successful development.
• Be a stable beacon your children will turn to for guidance and self-measurement.
• Build the kind of relationship you hope to have with your child.
• Reduce your children’s anxiety as they venture out on their own and move into adulthood.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE –VS- HIGH EXPECTATIONS
A supportive nurturing connection between parent and child offers the deep-seated security so critical to well-being and healthy development.
Love only offers security if it is given without conditions.
This is the key to the “serve-response” relationship. First, the child does something to get our attention (serve). Then, when we respond to their action, they learn what they do matters.
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval. You can reject a behavior while simultaneously loving a child fully.
LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS
Children should not be seen as a reflection of ourselves. We must be proud of who they are and not the bumper stickers we place on our cars.
When children are motivated to perform to gain approval, it generates anxiety. This can lead to perfectionism which destroys many of the elements a person needs to be successful.
Your love is not in question. But you may want to consider if the way in which you convey your high expectations might inadvertently convey a message of conditional acceptance.
WHY DOES LOVE SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE A ONE-WAY STREET?
• Remember that adolescents need to focus on figuring out the answer to the all-encompassing “Who am I?” question.Point 1
• Sometimes they have a right to be mad at us and it’s important to handle the criticism with care. Ex. “I hear what you are saying, but it’s hard to listen when I am being yelled at.”
Point 2
• Development is a tough process. Don’t let being pushed away make you believe your child needs you less during major transitions. EX. “I do-ed it all myself!”
Point 3• The truth is our children love us so
intensely it makes it makes them uncomfortable; therefore, they push those feelings away as forcefully as they can.
Point 4
CAN WE BE TOO CONNECTED TO OUR CHILDREN?
Some parents may be too involved. What's the harm?• There has become a
"professionalization of parenting" which can cause us to view our children as products.
• Children who feel as though they must produce can feel more anxious and have more self-doubt
• We see this in parents feeling as though their children MUST be on the best baseball team or make the competitive gymnastics class to feel successful as a parent.
• We need to move toward being lighthouse parents: ever present, available for guidance - but clear we are not steering the boat.
HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR SUCCESS AND MORALITY
SUCCESS MORALITY
Focus on how children are "being" rather than what they are "doing".
Focus on preparing children to be successful at 35,40,50 - what does that look like?
They should view life as a marathon instead of a sprint
Characterisitics for success: flexible, creative, ever-learning, innovative, generous, compassionate, tenacious, and resilient
Children are born as "pleasure-seeking machines" it's our job to mold them into the moral beings we wish them to become
Moral boundaries shoud be clearly defined and monitored.
Our actions can speak so loudly that children cannot hear the words we say (paraphrased from Emmerson)
THE PROBLEM WITH FOCUSING MAINLY ON
ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE Too much pressure takes away from the joy of
learning Kids will learn it's about what they do instead of
who they are - remember they're not products Pressure to be good at everything leads towards
perfectionism. This can cause children to quit due to fear of failure or turn to drugs to self-medicate the stress they experience.
Too much pressure will push your children away.
SETTING EXPECTATIONS THAT PROMOTE SUCCESS
How High Should You Set
the Bar
Focus on effort
Focus on growth
"YET!"
Find Our Strengths/Accept Weaknesses
It's okay to be uneven
Finding our passion is a
process
Use Praise and Criticism Wisely
Overpraising can backfire –
Praise for effort
Growth mind-set better than fixed mind-set
Criticism is necessary!
Make it specific.
Promote Tenacity, Delayed
Gratification, and Grit
Tenacity, diligence, and hard-work are
better predictors of success than intelligence
Life is a marathon
Kids who can delay
gratification can accomplish
long-term goals
PROTECTION VERSUS PREPARATION Find the balance Sometimes life needs to be the
teacher. Set clear and consistent boundaries
and then get out of the way. Overprotection sends the clear
message “I don’t trust you.” Children lack confidence.• “Our challenge as parents is to let
our children experience the natural consequences from their actions while protecting them from those circumstances that could cause irreparable harm or threaten safety.”
BENEFITS OF FAILUREAllow failure to
see it as a way to growThose students who are
externally driven will limit their potential due to fear of
failure.Parents should celebrate when
children stretch to go beyond their comfort zone regardless of failure or
succcess.“There is no passion to be found playing small-in settling for a life that is less than the one you are
capable of living.
7 CS OF RESILIENCEConfidence
Competence
Connection
Character
Contributions
Coping Strategies
Control
Be a cockroach!
TOOLKIT FOR LIFE
• Be able to take care of self -
sleep is critical
• Organization skills - timeliness
• Interpersonal skills - manners
• Self-advocacy skills – “I”
Statements
• Healthy friendships – Learning to
say, “No.”/ Code Words
STRESS MANAGEMENT PLAN
Tackling the
Problem
•Action that addresses the problem diminishes the stress
•Let it go!!!
Taking Care of
My Body
•Endorphins make you happy!
•Deep breathing•Mindfulness•SLEEP!!!
Dealing with
Emotions
• Instant vacations
•Release• Journaling•Venting•Crying/laughing
Making the World
Better
•Service to others
•Puts problems into perspective
EFFECTIVE PARENTING STYLESWHERE DO YOU FIND YOURSELF?
• Authoritative: “I love you. I’m not your friend; I’m your daddy.”
• Permissive: “We’re like best friends. Let’s get tattoos.”
• Uninvolved: “Kids will be kids. He’ll figure it out.”
• Authoritarian: “Do as I Say. Don’t ask why.”
Low Warmth
High Control
Low Warmth
Low Control
High Warmth Appropriate Control
High Warmth
Low Control
EFFECTIVE MONITORING
Setting boundaries only works if they are monitored.
Be “Tell-able”React littleBe quiet – listenLet them “win” when it’s validDon’t judgeEmpathizeMake it about safety
THANK YOU FOR COMING AND
CARING ABOUT YOU CHILDREN!