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Managing Conflict in the Workplace
Thomas Farley, MPALeadership Coach & Mediator
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Our Agenda
• Briefly discuss the causes and costs of workplace conflict
• Define and explore the “dynamics” of conflict and uncivil behavior in 2017
• Learn skills you can practice to manage conflict and improve relationships with coworkers and residents
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Contributors to Conflict & Incivility
• Doing more with less
• Economic issues
• Long hours/overwork
• Pace of change, technology
• Personal & workplace stress
• Generational differences
• Personality differences
• Passive aggression, hurt feelings, unresolved anger or personal baggage
• Intolerance of individual differences
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Think of an actual conflict you know well . . .
Costs of Organizational Conflict
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1. Wasted time $_______
2. Reduced decision quality $_______
3. Lost employees $_______
4. Restructuring $_______
5. Sabotage / theft / damage $_______
6. Lowered job motivation $_______
7. Lost work time $_______
8. Health costs $_______
Costs in illustration:
“Pure waste, no value added”
1,792
28,000
0 1
50,400 2
2 Assume one of the $40k employees resigned; conflict played average role
0 1
0 1
11,200
1,200
Total: $ _______92,592
1 Illustration makes conservative assumption that this factor did not incur cost.
Total cost of only one conflict:
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What is Conflict?
• What is conflict to you?
• 3 words to describe
• What does it look like?
• What have you already learned about conflict in your life? Where did you learn it?
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The Clash
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Conflict Basics
• Conflict is inevitable in relationships
• Systems need variety in members thinking
• Attitude influences outcome: we’ve learned “messages” about conflict
• Conflict can be open or suppressed
• There are positive ways to manage conflict
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Issue
Personality
Emotions
Interests, Needs, and Desires
Self-Perceptions and Self-Esteem
Hidden Expectations
Unresolved Issues from the Past
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The Incivility Spiral (adapted from Andersson & Pearson, 1999)
Desire for reciprocation
or revenge
Uncivil Behavior
Perception of UnfairnessNegative Feelings
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”
--Mahatma Gandhi
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The Incivility Continuum
Negative Behavior
•Rude comments•Insensitive actions•Unintentional slights•Complaining•Gossip/rumors•Cultural bias•Crude jokes•Profanity
Verbal Aggression
•Yelling / loud voice•Belittling comments•Intimidation / threats•Discriminatory comments•Cursing at someone•Humiliation
Physical/Sexual Aggression
•Assault / Battery•Throwing objects•Violent outbursts •Inappropriate touching•Harrassment
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Electronic Incivility
• E-Mail, text, cell phones, & social media
• Inappropriate use of cell phones, poor boundaries at home and work
• Expectation of immediate reply = Stress
• Stress = Increased probability of conflict
• Indirect communication and gossip
• Use of posts, forums, to victimize
• Cyber-mobbing: many people against one
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Two Areas of Conflict
• Personality Clashes
– Differences in behavior styles, attitudes, beliefs,
opinions
• Structure of Work
– Overlapping responsibility, use of same equipment,
conflicting priorities
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Dynamics: Issues at the Heart of Conflict
• Trust
• Safety
• Respect
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The Conflict Spectrum
Constructive
Misunderstandings are clarified
Open and ongoing communication
Teamwork is strengthened
Opportunity for positive adaptive change
Destructive
Comments are taken as personal attacks
Information exchange is restricted
Individuals grow to mistrust each other
Manipulative behaviors
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What conflict styles do you see in the workplace?
• Avoiding (Win Lose)
• Directing (Power decides, efficient)
• Accommodating (Giving in, passive-aggressive, sacrifice for relationship)
• Compromising (quick fix, temporary)
• Collaborate (Win/Win Resolution takes time)
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Top Reasons People Avoid Conflict
• Fear of harm
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of anger
• Fear of being seen as selfish
• Fear of saying the wrong thing
• Fear of intimacy
• Fear of failing
• Fear of hurting someone else
• Fear of looking foolish
• Fear of getting what you want
• Just plain FEAR
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Managing Conflict Takes
Knowledge and Skill
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Management
• “We both have a piece of the truth. Let’s work it out.”
• Learn to listen to each other, to state their own needs, wants, and desires, and to really hear those of the other person.
• Commitment to stay in the struggle long enough to come out with a solution
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Top Priority in Handling Conflict
• Avoid “triangles”, send the mail to the right address
• Engage the other party directly
• Your approach to dealing with the conflict drives the outcome
• Go to “the source” and coach others to do the same
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Examine the “Link”
•Conflict Management
•Effective Communication Skills
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Communication Challenges
• Not always easy
• Not always natural
• Some people speak your language
• We don’t always say what we mean
• Miss-understanding occurs
• What we intend is not what is heard
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Communication Guidelines
• Balance In Participation
• Be Concise
• Own & Take Responsibility For Your Feelings
• Speak For Yourself (Use I statements)
• Avoid Blaming & Fault Finding
• Ask Clarifying Questions
• Positive, Constructive Attitude
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Words that Promote Conflict
• “You must…”
• “You lied to me”
• “This is so typical of you…”
• “You always/you never”
• “The problem is…”
• “If you don’t do this, then…”
• “You’ll never change”
• “You’re being hysterical”
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Defusing Anger
• Stay calm; curb your reactions
• Let them vent
• Deescalate – don’t climb the mountain of anger with them
• Collect the facts
• Clarify and repeat what you think you heard
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Key Skills When Managing Conflicts
• Active Listening
• Validation: Letting a person know that you
understand how they feel (does not = agreement)
• Paying Attention: Eye contact, voice tone, noticing when safety is at risk
• Not Jumping to Conclusions
• Allowing Time and Space
• Time Outs & Redirection
• Control the Environment
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Crucial Conversations
• Start with Heart: Stay focused on what you really want
• Learn to Look: Notice when safety is at risk
• Make it Safe: Step out of the conversation
• Master My Stories: Go back to the facts
• State My Path: Speak persuasively, not abrasively
• Explore Others Path: Ask, be curious
• Move to Action: Who does what and when
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Successful Conflict Conversations
• Find a Time to Talk
• Plan the Context
• Talk it Out
• Make a Deal
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Successful Conflict Conversations
• Find a Time to Talk
Have a conversation about having a conversation
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Plan the Context
• Agree to the Ground Rules:
No walk aways
No power plays
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Talk it Out
• State your Intentions
• Express appreciation, optimism
• Focus on listening
• Stay in the process
• Reward conciliatory gestures
• Notice when safety is at risk
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Make a Deal
• Balance give and takes
• Specify behavior
• Plan for follow up
• Focus on prevention
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Resources
• Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
• 24 hour access to EAP counselors:
(800) 327-4692
• Short-term counseling/assessment, financial and legal consultations
• Web site access: www.efr.org/myeap
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Thomas Farley, MPA Mediator & Leadership Coach
515-975-1451 www.efr.org/myeap
Thank you!Questions, comments