Ambiguous LossSupporting families with missing loved onesPresented by:

Maureen Trask

For: Victim Services Niagara Volunteers

Tues. Feb. 3, 20151

Introductions

Why am I here?

My story and real life experience (journey) of Ambiguous Loss

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3 Missing since Nov. 3, 2011

Daniel Trask

Learning Objectives

Understand ambiguous loss

How to support families left behind

Reflecting on my experience

Q&A

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So what is Ambiguous Loss?

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A loss that occurs without closure or understanding

Leaves a person searching for answers

thus complicates and delays the process of grieving

Often results in unresolved grief, frozen, living in limbo.

Let’s hear from Dr. Pauline Boss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vYyefAgZ0

Dr. Pauline Boss and Dr. Gloria Horsley

discuss Ambiguous Loss at the annual

ADEC (Association of Death Education

and Counseling) conference, 2011.

Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss

Dr. Gloria Horsley, Open to Hope Foundation, founder and president 6

1. How does it differ from ordinary loss?

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There is no verification of death.

There is no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be.

2. Why does it matter?

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Ambiguous loss: Freezes the grief process Paralyzes couple and family functioning Prevents closure   Families can name it Families need support

3. How does one ease its effects?

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Guidelines for resiliency while having to live with ambiguous loss: (Boss, 1999)

 1. Find Meaning (look at values, beliefs, traditions)

2. Accept Uncertainty (make 2 opposing ideas into 1)

3. Reconstruct Identity (forced to change roles)

4. Normalize Ambivalence (as the new norm)

5. Revisit Attachment (celebrate the missing and mourn the changes)

6. Discover Hope (look at strengths, making it with the pain)

 

4. What are the types of Ambiguous Loss?

Physically Absent- Psychologically Present

Psychologically Absent- Physically Present

Adoption Migration Missing people Miscarriage and stillborn loss Natural disaster and catastrophic tragedy

Addictions Dementia and Alzheimer’s Mental health issues Separation/Divorce Traumatic brain injury or coma

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Manage the contradictions Take two opposing ideas (both – and), make into one

I am both sad - and still happy I am both alone - and still connected I am both powerless - and still empowered I am both frozen - and still transforming I am both doubtful - and still hopeful I am both burdened - and still grateful

Daniel is both gone - and still here

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Effects of Ambiguous Loss Emotional rollercoaster Changes families, relationships, roles and identity Can change spiritual beliefs Tend to withdraw/isolate self

Goal: Learn to live with the emotional tidal waves. Learn to live with and adapt to the changes that come with the loss AND learn to live with the ambiguity by developing meaning. (Boss, 1999)

12Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press

Ambiguous Loss Recap Traumatic Loss (Boss, 2009) Externally Caused (Boss, 2009)

Unclear Loss (Boss, 1999)

Senseless Loss (Boss, 2009)

Lacks Closure Frozen Grief/being Stuck in Limbo (Boss, 1999)

An Individual Journey Boss, P. (2009). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psych, 59(2), 137-145. doi:

10.1007/s11089-009-0264-0

Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press

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AFP Supporting those who are left behind

14© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police, National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland

* Framework – Working with those left behind

5 themes for working specifically with families of missing persons:

1. Reanimation: move past “frozen”

2. A celebration so far: respond to loss

3. The trauma timeline: explore the impact

4. A protected place: safe place of pain

5. Opportunities for growth: living with loss © Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police,

National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland14

Framework1. Reanimation

Move past “frozen” Help families with their

sense of being frozen to the time of their loved

one's disappearance Assist families to move

from their sense of feeling ‘stuck‘. 16

Framework 2. A celebration so far

Respond to the loss Acknowledge and honour the family's relationship

with the missing person Facilitate families to find

an opportunity to respond to the current loss of their loved one.

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Framework 3. The Trauma Timeline

Explore the impact of the disappearance

as well as the accumulated traumas

families may have faced prior to their loved one going missing.

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The Trauma Timeline

19© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police, National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland

Framework4. A protected place

Safe place of pain Co-construct a space where families can

acknowledge the pain of not knowing while still finding ways to live life.

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Framework5. Opportunities for growth

Living with ambiguous loss Explore ways in which families can live

with their loss, rather than being consumed by it.

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Services (Support)Support looks different to everyone

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* Someone to really listen

* Being present

* Just being there

were by far the most popular ways to support someone.

As a facilitator … Educate that grief is not a linear process Encourage to share story, call loved one by name and educate on importance of this Help build strategies to cope with tidal waves of emotion Help cope with the tough questions: the ‘why’, ‘what if’ and ‘should of Help to recognize and build resilience Help externalize the loss to release blame and guilt Help find meaning in their experience of loss “Help embrace the paradox & move forward with the ‘good enough’” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)

Listen more and do less Empower to see loss in a new way Hold multiple truths about the missing person Normalize the experience, feelings, and thoughts Work collaboratively with the client(s) with a lowered hierarchy Help build “… a new narrative that is less burdened with negative attributions, which

invoke guilt, shame, remorse, or desire for retribution” (Boss & Carnes, 2012)

Use tasks as guidelines

Boss, P., & Carnes, D. (2012). The myth of closure. Family Processes, x(x), doi: 10.1111/famp.12005 21

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What not to say …

Living and Learning on my Ambiguous Loss journey

“Loss of a missing loved one is often a lonely and an untrodden path for each of us who has to walk it.” *

Can I learn to live withthis loss?

How do I get closure? How do I get support?

25* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

Humour - Balance

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Challenges with Police -For the Families

Not being taken serious by police in the first instance

Making sense of the entire situation

Not blaming self for the disappearance

Not being kept up to date, short or long term, as case progresses

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What Can You Do? Be point of referral for families Offer peace of mind for Police that the needs of

families are being addressed Keep lines of communication open between

Police and families Don’t try to conduct investigation on behalf of Police

Listen Empathize Communicate Be Present Be Supportive

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NRPS Weekend Calls Fri. Jan. 23 (5pm) - Mon. Jan. 26 (9am) 2015

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Q & A

Any questions?

Any moments or thoughts?

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Resources Dr. Pauline Boss www.ambiguousloss.com

Australian Federal Police (AFP) National Counselling Framework www.missingpersons.gov.au/education--training/working-with-families/supporting-those-who-are-left-behind.aspx

Full version AFP Support Workbook www.missingpersons.gov.au/~/media/MP/Files/PDFs/Supporting%20those%20who%20are%20left%20behind.ashx

www.afp.gov.au/~/media/afp/pdf/2/24-25-new-national-counselling-framework.ashx

Presentation and Reference Materials

Networking with Police and Agencies31

Thank You !

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Maureen Trask: trasker@rogers.com

Support for Us – Families with Missing Loved Ones (FB page)