2008

Peiking University· April 18, 2009

Assertiveness, Art of Winning果断力 , 双赢的艺术

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Behavior Analysis

Leary’s Rose

Assertiveness

Becoming assertive

Assertiveness as a Basic Skill

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Ultimate excellence lies not in winning every battle,

but in defeating the enemy without ever fighting.

Art of War

“是故百战百胜 , 非善之善者也 ; 不战而屈人之兵 , 善之善者也 .”

Assertiveness as a Basic Skill

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Facing difficult situation, animals have two reactions:

FLIGHT 退让 Sub-assertive behavior

FIGHT 攻击 Aggressive behavior

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Facing difficult situation, human beings have more

responses:

FLIGHT 退让 Sub-assertive behavior FIGHT 攻击 Aggressive behavior Assertive 果断 Assertive behavior

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Assertive behavior :Aggressive and sub-assertive behavior are natural,

but assertive behavior is not automatic natural behavior.

It is a learnt skill.

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Take care of others’ interest, without respect for self Be good (polite and helpful) for others, doing others a favor Avoid conflict, make a “nice” world Do extra work Do not speak up what is inside……

Take care of self interest with respect for others Speak up what is inside you.Willingness to have dialogue……

Take care of self interest without respect for others Manipulating people Dominant, ignorance, arrogant……

Sub-assertive Assertive Aggressive

Three types of most common behaviors

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Thoughts/beliefs:Self-respect, and respect of othersPositive thoughts and beliefs about self and othersBelieves that she/he is responsible for thoughts, feelings and behaviorsConflict is seen as an opportunity for transformation and change

Feelings:Self-confidentPositive self-esteemComfortable and secure within selfAware of feelingsTrusting of self and othersConnected to self and others

1. I’m OK - You’re OK. Assertive/creative

I win - You win

Behaviors:Use “I” statementsMake eye contactListen to people directlyEngage with others Ask open questionsOpen body postureAsk for feedback from othersGive positive and constructive feedback

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Thoughts/beliefs:Lack self-confidenceLack self-respect

Feelings:Feel insecure in selfFeel miserableFeel not worthyFeel insignificant

2. I’m not OK - You’re OK. Sub-assertive /passive

I lose - You win

Behaviors:Hide from othersAvoid eye contactClose body postureDo not hear positive feedback or give it

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Thoughts/beliefs:Lack self-respect and respect for othersNegative thoughts and beliefs about self and othersBelieve others are to blameConflict is seen as something to win and others to lose

Feelings:Lack self-confidenceNegative self-esteemFeel insecure in selfLack of awarenessDistrust of self and othersDisconnected from self and others

4. I’m OK - You’re not OK. Aggressive/defensive

I win - You lose

Behaviors:Blame others (language)Avoid eye contactClose body postureInterrupts, talk over or shout sometimesMake statements rather than asking questionGive negative feedbackIs overly critical and judging of others

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Thoughts/beliefs:Lack self-confidenceLack self-respect and respect of othersNegative thoughts/beliefs about self and othersSuspicious and wary of othersSee conflict as something destructive

Feelings:Feel insecure in selfFeel resentful towards othersfeel undeserving of praiseFeel hopeless and depressed

3. I’m not OK - You’re not OK.Manipulative/divisive:

I lose - You lose

Behaviors:Avoid eye contactUse negative language to talk about Self and othersDo not hear positive feedback or give it

Effective behavior 有效行为

Non-effective behavior 无效行为

By effects, behavior:

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“Think for yourself and question authority.”

---Timothy Leary(1920.10.22---1996.5.31.)

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Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior

Aggressive Leading 攻击型 领导型 Ⅵ Ⅰ　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

Ⅳ Ⅲ

防御型 依赖型 Defensive Dependent

Above （强大）

Against(I) Together(We)

Bellow （柔弱）

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Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior

人之生也柔弱 , 其死也坚强 ; 万物草木之生也柔脆 , 其死也枯槁 . 故坚强者死之徒 , 柔弱者生之徒 . 是以兵强则不胜 , 木强则折 ; 强大处下 , 柔弱处上 .

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Ⅳ-2 -1Ⅰ competing leading 竞争型 领导型Ⅳ-1 -2Ⅰaggressive helping攻击型 帮助型

defiant cooperating反抗型 合作型Ⅲ-2 -1Ⅱ 回避型 依赖型 withdrawing depending Ⅲ-1 -2Ⅱ

Above

I (Against)

We(Together)

Bellow

Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior

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Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior

“I-oriented behavior” “I-oriented behavior” “we-oriented behavior” “we-oriented behavior”

“Up behavior” “Bellow behavior” “Bellow ” “Up”

“Non-activity leads to action by itself.” ---Tao “ 无为而无不为”—道德经

“ A good leader is the servant of his people.”---Tao“ 善用人者为之下”

Behavior incites behavior行为引发行为

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Assertive behavior is:

Choosing your behavior, not merely acting automatically on your feelings;

Balancing between your own interest and the other’s interest.

Effective, problem solving

“故其有使失利 , 其有使离害者 , 此事之失 .”

< 鬼谷子 : 决篇 >

果断行为作出 , 如果使自己失去利益 , 使他人遭受损害 , 这都是失败的行为

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Organization effects of Assertive behavior:

Contribute to the wellbeing of organization

Make corporate culture richer

Save time, improve effectiveness and profit

Make clear organizational communication

More inventive and open to new procedures

Can judge easier because of open mind

Point out to the new global world in which China and its

organizations play a prominent role, boosted by Olympic

Games

Make the West and East meet each other with a completely

new vision and understanding for each other’s cultures

Not challenge the leaders but challenging the competitive

environment in which they work

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Personal Results of Assertive Behavior:

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you feel good about yourself

other people know how to deal with you

reduce the level of interpersonal conflicts

reduce a major source of stress

feel free to express your feelings, thoughts and desires

know your rights

have a good understanding of the feelings of the other

person with whom you are communicating

have control over you anger

What is assertiveness?

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Low status

Not taking spaceNo eye contactConcentration on the otherNo matching (non-verbal)Restless and unnecessary movementsTouching the face all the timeStammering and low voiceShrinking yourself so that others won’t feel insecure around you

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High status

Lot of space Long lasting eye contact Concentration on the self No matching (non-verbal) No movements Poker-face Loud and steady voice Acting important so that others will feel insecure around you

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Behavior Expert

Has great skill in raising and lowering status Can cope easily with any situation by

changing status Can choose behavior assertively

Status is not what you are;

It is something that you do.

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Assertiveness is the competency to choose effective behavior according to one’s own situation; during the process, one must sustain his/her own interest and same time respecting other’s interest, in order to reach a win-win situation.

Assertiveness is a way of life, and a way of doing business, based on mutual respect and benefit.It is all about winning without war.

ASSERTIVENESS 果断力

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ASSERTIVENESS( 果断力 ) is a general science, which includes lots relevant competencies.

Confronting ( 应对矛盾的能力 )

Daring/Taking risks( 敢于承担风险的能力 Initiative: operating autonomously/proactively( 主动性 )

Autonomy ( 自主力 )

Authority, influence ( 影响力 )

Resistance to stress ( 压力管理的能力 )

Self Steering ( 自我驾驭能力 )

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Assertiveness has three phases:

Speaking up ( 敢于表达 )

Opening up ( 开诚布公 )

Standing firm ( 坚持立场 )

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Speaking up 敢于表达 The first basic phase is Being there . Communication starts with non-

verbal behavior, which goes through all phases:

Clothing/body: clean, without bad smell

Sit/stand/walk, body remains straight

Keep eye contact

Speak loud enough, change intonation

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Opening up 开诚布公Put down mask after on the stage. “ 唯天下至诚 , 为能尽其性 . 能尽其性 ,

则能尽人之性 .”

saying yes or no, when we want to

ask favors and make requests

communicate our feelings and thoughts in an

open and direct way

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Standing firm 坚持立场 The highest stage: “Standing up for yourself without needlessly

offending other people”

You have the right doing anything as long as it does

not hurt someone

You have the right to maintain your dignity by being

assertive –even if it hurts someone else (provided

you are not intentionally trying to hurt them i.e.

being aggressive.

You have the right to make a request from someone,

as long as you recognize that the other person has

the rights to say no.

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Using “I” statements

The word “I” is your personal visiting card for all different

kinds of relational situations.

I statement can be used to voice one’s own feelings and

wishes without expressing a judgment or blaming

Standing up for yourself starts by using the word “I”

Dispute resolution; conversation opener; constructive

criticism

State how one sees things and how one would like things to

be, without using inflaming language

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You Statements show a lack of respect for the other person put the blame on the other person can feel insulting or judgmental trigger defensive behavior undermine the other person’s self-confidence create resistance to change instead of

cooperation can be interpreted as a disciplinary action

I-I-You feedback by Marieta Koopmans

I I see/hear/read…

I I feel

You Involve the other person and ask:

Do you recognize/understand…?

Request what to be improved/changed.

Behavior Change( 行为改变 ) It is a complicated process, which takes long time.

Unfreezing（ old habi

t ）软化

Changing（ new

behavior ）形成

Freezing（ new habi

t ）固化

Through three ways:through thinking ( 通过思考 ) through feeling ( 通过感受 ) through doing ( 通过行动 )

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Assertive or Not ?

It is all up to you.

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Thank you ！Wish you success and happiness!

董焱 (Jessica Dong) jessicady@163.com

13426347019

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