“Axolotl”byJulioCortázarTranslatedanonymously

TherewasatimewhenIthoughtagreatdealabouttheaxolotls.IwenttoseethemintheaquariumattheJardindesPlantes,andstayedforhourswatchingthem,observingtheirimmobility,theirfaintmovements.NowIamanaxolotl.IgottothembychanceonespringmorningwhenPariswasspreadingitspeacocktailafterawintryLent.IwasheadingdowntheboulevardPortRoyal,thenItookSaint‐MarcelandL’Hôpitalandsawgreenamongallthatgreyandrememberedthelions.Iwasfriendofthelionsandpanthers,buthadnevergoneintothedark,humidbuildingthatwastheaquarium.Ileftmybikeagainstthegratingsandwenttolookatthetulips.Thelionsweresadanduglyandmypantherwasasleep.Idecidedontheaquarium,lookedobliquelyatbanalfishuntil,unexpectedly,Ihititoffwiththeaxolotls.Istayedwatchingthemforanhourandleft,unabletothinkofanythingelse.InthelibraryatSainte‐Geneviève,Iconsultedadictionaryandlearnedthataxolotlsarethelarvalstage(providedwithgills)ofaspeciesofsalamanderofthegenusAmbystoma.ThattheywereMexicanIknewalreadybylookingatthemandtheirlittlepinkAztecfacesandtheplacardatthetopofthetank.IreadthatspecimensofthemhadbeenfoundinAfricacapableoflivingondrylandduringtheperiodsofdrought,andcontinuingtheirlifeunderwaterwhentherainyseasoncame.IfoundtheirSpanishname,ajolote,andthementionthattheywereedible,andthattheiroilwasused(nolongerused,itsaid)likecodliveroil.Ididn’tcaretolookupanyofthespecializedworks,butthenextdayIwentbacktotheJardindesPlantes.Ibegantogoeverymorning,morningandafternoonsomedays.Theaquariumguardsmiledperplexedlytakingmyticket.Iwouldleanupagainsttheironbarinfrontofthetanksandsettowatchingthem.There’snothingstrangeinthis,becauseafterthefirstminuteIknewthatwewerelinked,thatsomethinginfinitelylostanddistantkeptpullingustogether.Ithadbeenenoughtodetainmethatfirstmorninginfrontofthesheetofglasswheresomebubblesrosethroughthewater.Theaxolotlshuddledonthewretchednarrow(onlyIcanknowhownarrowandwretched)floorofmossandstoneinthetank.Therewereninespecimens,andthemajoritypressedtheirheadsagainsttheglass,lookingwiththeireyesofgoldatwhoevercamenearthem.Disconcerted,almostashamed,Ifeltitalewdnesstobepeeringatthesesilentandimmobilefiguresheapedatthebottomofthetank.MentallyIisolatedone,situatedontherightandsomewhatapartfromtheothers,tostudyitbetter.Isawarosylittlebody,translucent(IthoughtofthoseChinesefigurinesofmilkyglass),lookinglikeasmalllizardaboutsixincheslong,endinginafish’stailofextraordinarydelicacy,themostsensitivepartofourbody.Alongthebackranatransparentfinwhichjoinedwiththetail,butwhatobsessedmewasthefeet,oftheslenderestnicety,endingintinyfingerswithminutelyhumannails.AndthenIdiscovereditseyes,itsface.Inexpressivefeatures,withnoothertraitsavetheeyes,twoorifices,likebrooches,whollyoftransparentgold,lackinganylifebutlooking,lettingthemselvesbepenetratedbymylook,whichseemedtotravelpastthegoldenlevelandloseitselfinadiaphanousinteriormystery.Averyslenderblackhaloringedtheeyeandetcheditontothepinkflesh,ontotherosestoneofthehead,vaguelytriangular,butwithcurvedandtriangularsideswhichgaveitatotallikenesstoastatuettecorrodedbytime.Themouthwasmaskedbythetriangularplaneoftheface,itsconsiderablesizewouldbeguessedonlyinprofile;infrontadelicatecrevicebarelyslitthelifelessstone.Onbothsidesoftheheadwheretheearsshouldhavebeen,theregrewthreetinysprigs,redascoral,avegetaloutgrowth,thegills,Isuppose.Andtheyweretheonlythingquickaboutit;everytenorfifteensecondsthesprigsprickedupstifflyandagainsubsided.Onceinawhileafootwouldbarelymove,Isawthediminutivetoespoisemildlyonthemoss.It’sthatwedon’tenjoymovingalot,andthetankissocramped–webarelymoveinanydirectionandwe’rehittingoneoftheotherswithourtailorourhead–difficultiesarise,fights,tiredness.Thetimefeelslikeit’slessifwestayquietly.ItwastheirquietnessthatmademeleantowardthemfascinatedthefirsttimeIsawtheaxolotls.ObscurelyIseemedtounderstandtheirsecretwill,toabolishspaceandtimewithanindifferentimmobility.Iknewbetter

later;thegillcontraction,thetentativereckoningofthedelicatefeetonthestones,theabruptswimming(someofthemswimwithasimpleundulationofthebody)provedtomethattheywerecapableofescapingthatminerallethargyinwhichtheyspentwholehours.Aboveallelse,theireyesobsessedme.Inthestandingtanksoneithersideofthem,differentfishesshowedmethesimplestupidityoftheirhandsomeeyessosimilartoourown.Theeyesoftheaxolotlsspoketomeofthepresenceofadifferentlife,ofanotherwayofseeing.Glueingmyfacetotheglass(theguardwouldcoughfussilyonceinawhile),Itriedtoseebetterthosediminutivegoldenpoints,thatentrancetotheinfinitelyslowandremoteworldoftheserosycreatures.Itwasuselesstotapwithonefingerontheglassdirectlyinfrontoftheirfaces;theynevergavetheleastreaction.Thegoldeneyescontinuedburningwiththeirsoft,terriblelight;theycontinuedlookingatmefromanunfathomabledepthwhichmademedizzy.Andneverthelesstheywereclose.Iknewitbeforethis,beforebeinganaxolotl.IlearneditthedayIcamenearthemforthefirsttime.Theanthropomorphicfeaturesofamonkeyrevealthereverseofwhatmostpeoplebelieve,thedistancethatistraveledfromthemtous.Theabsolutelackofsimilaritybetweenaxolotlsandhumanbeingsprovedtomethatmyrecognitionwasvalid,thatIwasnotproppingmyselfupwitheasyanalogies.Onlythelittlehands...Butaneft,thecommonnewt,hassuchhandsalso,andwearenotatallalike.Ithinkitwastheaxolotls’heads,thattriangularpinkshapewiththetinyeyesofgold.Thatlookedandknew.Thatlaidtheclaim.Theywerenotanimals.Itwouldseemeasy,almostobvious,tofallintomythology.Ibeganseeingintheaxolotlsametamorphosiswhichdidnotsucceedinrevokingamysterioushumanity.Iimaginedthemaware,slavesoftheirbodies,condemnedinfinitelytothesilenceoftheabyss,toahopelessmeditation.Theirblindgaze,thediminutivegolddiscwithoutexpressionandnonethelessterriblyshining,wentthroughmelikeamessage:“Saveus,saveus.”Icaughtmyselfmumblingwordsofadvice,conveyingchildishhopes.Theycontinuedtolookatme,immobile;fromtimetotimetherosybranchesofthegillsstiffened.InthatinstantIfeltamutedpain;perhapstheywereseeingme,attractingmystrengthtopenetrateintotheimpenetrablethingoftheirlives.Theywerenothumanbeings,butIhadfoundinnoanimalsuchaprofoundrelationwithmyself.Theaxolotlswerelikewitnessesofsomething,andattimeslikehorriblejudges.Ifeltignobleinfrontofthem;therewassuchaterrifyingpurityinthosetransparenteyes.Theywerelarvas,butlarvameansdisguiseandalsophantom.BehindthoseAztecfaces,withoutexpressionbutofanimplacablecruelty,whatsemblancewasawaitingitshour?Iwasafraidofthem.Ithinkthathaditnotbeenforfeelingtheproximityofothervisitorsandtheguard,Iwouldnothavebeenboldenoughtoremainalonewiththem.“Youeatthemalivewithyoureyes,hey,”theguardsaid,laughing;helikelythoughtIwasalittlecracked.Whathedidn’tnoticewasthatitwastheydevouringmeslowlywiththeireyes,inacannibalismofgold.Atanydistancefromtheaquarium,Ihadonlytothinkofthem,itwasasthoughIwerebeingaffectedfromadistance.ItgottothepointthatIwasgoingeveryday,andatnightIthoughtofthemimmobileinthedarkness,slowlyputtingahandoutwhichimmediatelyencounteredanother.Perhapstheireyescouldseeinthedeadofnight,andforthemthedaycontinuedindefinitely.Theeyesofaxolotlshavenolids.Iknownowthattherewasnothingstrange,thatthathadtooccur.Leaningoverinfrontofthetankeachmorning,therecognitionwasgreater.Theyweresuffering,everyfiberofmybodyreachedtowardthatstifledpain,thatstifftormentatthebottomofthetank.Theywerelyinginwaitforsomething,aremotedominiondestroyed,anageoflibertywhentheworldhadbeenthatoftheaxolotls.Notpossiblethatsuchaterribleexpressionwhichwasattainingtheoverthrowofthatforcedblanknessontheirstonefacesshouldcarryanymessageotherthanoneofpain,proofofthateternalsentence,ofthatliquidhelltheywereundergoing.Hopelessly,Iwantedtoprovetomyselfthatmyownsensibilitywasprojectinganonexistentconsciousnessupontheaxolotl.TheyandIknew.Sotherewasnothingstrangeinwhathappened.Myfacewaspressedagainsttheglassoftheaquarium,myeyeswereattemptingoncemoretopenetratethemysteryofthoseeyesofgoldwithoutiris,withoutpupil.Isawfromverycloseupthefaceofanaxolotlimmobilenexttotheglass.Notransitionandnosurprise,Isawmyfaceagainsttheglass,Isawitontheoutsideofthetank,Isawitontheothersideoftheglass.ThenmyfacedrewbackandIunderstood.

Onlyonethingwasstrange:togoonthinkingasusual,toknow.Torealizethatwas,forthefirstmoment,likethehorrorofamanburiedaliveawakingtohisfate.Outside,myfacecameclosetotheglassagain,Isawmymouth,thelipscompressedwiththeeffortofunderstandingtheaxolotls.IwasanaxolotlandnowIknewinstantlythatnounderstandingwaspossible.Hewasoutsidetheaquarium,histhinkingwasathinkingoutsidethetank.Recognizinghim,beinghimhimself,Iwasanaxolotlandinmyworld.Thehorrorbegan–Ilearnedinthesamemomentofbelievingmyselfprisonerinthebodyofanaxolotl,metamorphosedintohimwithmyhumanmindintact,buriedaliveinanaxolotl,condemnedtomovelucidlyamongunconsciouscreatures.Butthatstoppedwhenafootjustgrazedmyface,whenImovedjustalittletoonesideandsawanaxolotlnexttomewhowaslookingatme,andunderstoodthatheknewalso,nocommunicationpossible,butveryclearly.OrIwasalsoinhim,orallofuswerethinkinghumanlike,incapableofexpression,limitedtothegoldensplendorofoureyeslookingatthefaceofthemanpressedagainsttheaquarium.Hereturnedmanytimes,buthecomeslessoftennow.Weekspasswithouthisshowingup.Isawhimyesterday;helookedatmeforalongtimeandleftbriskly.Itseemedtomethathewasnotsomuchinterestedinusanymore,thathewascomingoutofhabit.SincetheonlythingIdoisthink,Icouldthinkabouthimalot.Itoccurstomethatatthebeginningwecontinuedtocommunicate,thathefeltmorethaneveronewiththemysterywhichwasclaiminghim.Butthebridgeswerebrokenbetweenhimandme,becausewhatwashisobsessionisnowanaxolotl,alientohishumanlife.IthinkthatatthebeginningIwascapableofreturningtohiminacertainway,onlyinacertainway–andofkeepingawakehisdesiretoknowusbetter.Iamanaxolotlforgoodnow,andifIthinklikeamanit’sonlybecauseeveryaxolotlthinkslikeamaninsidehisrosystonesemblance.Ibelievethatallthissucceededincommunicatingsomethingtohiminthosefirstdays,whenIwasstillhe.Andinthisfinalsolitudetowhichhenolongercomes,Iconsolemyselfbythinkingthatperhapsheisgoingtowriteastoryaboutus,that,believinghe’smakingupastory,he’sgoingtowriteallthisaboutaxolotls.