National Child Welfare Conference Finland Keynote speech

1

Does lack of truth telling

destabilise a child's life journey?

Helen Oakwater

Onko puute totuuden kertomista

horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa?

National Child Welfare Conference Look at me – dignified childhood! Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016

@HelenOakwater

Baby Tim lying in a cot

Traumatised Infant Maltreated

Traumatised Infant Pahoinpitelyn

TIM in cot

SEE

Darkness

HEAR

Shouting & slamming

doors

TASTE

Milk & vomit

SMELL

Sour milk & excrement

TOUCH

Nappy rash

FEEL

Hungry & cold

4Age

0 5 2010 15

Timeline 1 : No interventions Aikajana: Ei interventiot

TIM sensory experience

SEE

Darkness

HEAR

Shouting & slamming

doors

TASTE

Milk & vomit

SMELL

Sour milk & excrement

TOUCH

Nappy rash

FEEL

Hungry & cold

The Infant PerspectiveONE PIECE OF METAPHORICAL “SENSORY SHRAPNEL”

Yksi pala metaforinen "aistien sirpaleet”

One incident of

NEGLECT

Stored in implicit memory & sensory database.

Sensory Shrapnel

Sensorinen Shrapnal

NEGLECT

“Our little secret”

Different Maltreatments

Assorted Shrapnel

FEAR

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

NEGLECT

SEXUAL ABUSE

PHYSICAL ABUSE


Assorted Shrapnel

10Age

0 5 2010 15

Timeline 2: with birth family


What behaviour would you see?Mitä käyttäytyminen olisi näet?

what do adults tell him?

Mitä aikuiset kertoa hänelle?

Beliefs?

Hopeless Toivoton

Helpless Avuton Iminä olen

paha poika

I am a bad boy

Beliefs and sense of self?

Worthless Arvoton

12Age

0 5 2010 15

Timeline 3: With poorly trained Foster Carer

How does Foster carer react?Miten Foster hoitaja reagoi?

13Age

0 5 2010 15

Timeline 4: With well trained Foster carer - dark night

How does Foster carer react?Miten Foster hoitaja reagoi?

No therapy or reframing

Shrapnel still inside Tim

I am a bad boy

Iminä olen paha poika

I am not safe

I’m scared

I am not cared for

I am unlovableI’m ignored

I’m not valued

I’m bad

It’s a terrifying hostile world

People hurt you

Dangerous place

There is no place for me

I am not important

The world is not okay

POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS

I’m alone

- Child’s View of Self and World

What story is Tim told? Mikä tarina Tim kerrottu?

“The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”

17

Language:“messy bedroom” Kieli: “sotkuinen huone”

18


They slept on mattresses soaked with urine, covered with filthy bedding, wading through mouldy rubbish ankle-deep to get through the front door and off to school.

Ne nukkui patjat kastettu virtsaan, peitetty saastaisia vuodevaatteet, kahlaa homehtunut roskat nilkka-syvä päästä etuovesta ja pois kouluun.


Frequently MISMATCH between sensory

life experiences and story child is told

20

Confusing MISMATCH of language “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”

inhottava kurjuudessa vs. puhdas epäsiisti

disgusting squalor vs. clean untidy

Frequently MISMATCH between sensory

life experiences and saccharine life story

“The body keeps the score”

BESSEL VAN DER KOLK

“Languaging”“Kieli”


Child needs truthful life story which matches his sensory experiences

full of rubbish, flies, rotting food and blocked toilet täynnä roskaa, lentää, mätää ruokaa ja tukossa wc

X XX

Jigsaw of Truth: Metaphor

Heaps of sensory memories

??

100% Truth Telling

Jigsaw of Truth: True Picture


in an age appropriate

way

Claude Monet: La Terrace de Sante Adresse

25 pieces: outlining of

story

Aged 6

Jigsaw of Truth:


100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way

Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea

100-400 pieces:

significant details shared

Aged 9 - 13

Jigsaw of Truth:



Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + +

1000 pieces: the

entire detailed

story

By 18 - 21

Jigsaw of Truth:


Jigsaw of Truth:



Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++

Jigsaw of Truth:

creates a coherent narrative

??

Coherent Narrative = truthful life story which matches sensory experiences

Johdonmukainen Narratiivinen = todenmukainen elämäntarina, joka vastaa aistikokemuksia

Coherent narrative allows child

to trust their bodily sensations

“The body keeps the score” BESSEL VAN DER KOLK

FEEL SAFE INSIDE THE BODY

Johdonmukainen kerronta mahdollistaa lapsen luottamaan kehon tuntemuksia

31Age

0 5 2010 15

Reframe neglect (laiminlyönti)

so thats why I feel scared when I'm hungry

and like fart smells

Fresh/ tuore Perspectives

THEN NOW

33Age

0 5 2010 15

Reframe removal episode

it was not my fault he was drunk and wrong

I was rescued I am important

I am a good boy

1000 - 199

801 pieces because gaps and blocks in the story

Jigsaw of Truth:


Jigsaw of Truth: Will have gaps



Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++

35Age

0 5 2010 15

Reframe: deeper understanding with age Reframe: syvempää ymmärrystä iän

wash me & clothes keeping clean is nice

alcohol can be harmful eat regularly

Avoid False Negative Beliefs

through a Coherent Narrative

“Knowledge is only a rumour until its in the muscle”

Judy DeLozier

Head, heart and gut understanding Intrinsic truth Photos Evidence & indisputable material Information, data, words saccharine life story book

Birth Parent Perspective

Now , then & their issues

What was/is going on for them?

Now? Then?

Empowering Reframing MULTIPLE FRESH PERSPECTIVES

utilising extra knowledge, resources, new learnings and age appropriate wisdom

shrapnel removal

healing

pervasive shame

I am safeI am loved

I am cared forI am valued

I can trust adults

I’m special

I’m okay

It’s a safe place

People love me

People care for me

There is a place for me here

I am important to them

The world is okay

+ Child’s View of Self and World

Future Proofing: to stabilise their

life journey children need

Coherent narrative Consistency: no surprises 100% truth telling age appropriate A(his)story which does not conflict with their sensory memories (i.e. matches) Knowing deep inside it was not their fault Help and support to understand, process and reframe their past

Trauma Triggered Behaviour?

Observed behaviour?

Internal World?

THEN NOW

42

minä olen paha poika

I am a bad boy

Minä olen hyvä poika

I am a good boy

Imagine behaviour, outcomes and life path for each Kuvittele käytös, tuloksia ja elämänpolkuasi jokaisen

Adult Child

FABParents Approach

FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, videos

LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS

ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences

FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking

REAL and honest

EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership, communication skills, trauma, etc)

LEADING LEARNER principles

@HelenOakwater

www.FABParents.co.uk

[email protected]

• Coach, Author, Trainer

• Adoptive Parent

• Siblings aged 2,4,5 now 25+

• Teacher (11-18: PE & maths)

• NLP & mBIT Coach & Trainer

• Post Grad Attachment & Adoption (Family Futures)

• Government Task Force

45

Helen Oakwater

www.FABparents.co.uk

@helenoakwater

https://www.amazon.de/Bubble-Wrapped-Children-Networking-Transforming/dp/1780920970

http://www.bookdepository.com/Bubble-Wrapped-Children---How-Social-Networking-is-Transforming-the-Face-of-21st-Century-Adoption-Helen-Oakwater/9781780920979

[email protected]

https://www.amazon.de/Bubble-Wrapped-Children-Networking-Transforming/dp/1780920970

46

Does lack of truth telling

destabilise a child's life journey?

Helen Oakwater

Onko puute totuuden kertomista

horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa?

National Child Welfare Conference Look at me – dignified childhood! Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016

@HelenOakwater

Education

National Child Welfare Conference Finland Keynote speech