我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢？

周惠賢博士10.5.2008

我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢？

快樂成長要素快樂成長要素

父母的責任


了解青少年子女的成長變化

青少年與青春期

青春期是由兒童逐漸變為成年人的一個階段，通常由十歲左右開始，直至大約二十歲為止。

青少年的身體變化

身高體重迅速增加

外表上開始改變

第二性徵出現對異性開始好奇對自己的形象相當敏感

思考變化

開始能夠思考與理解自己和世界的新能力

產生新的自我出現

可能讓青少年感到無所適從且充滿壓力

情緒＋心理變化獨立自主是很重要的一個部份，因此而與父母的疏離也是必然的現象。

與父母的親密關係脫離，青少年覺得有點緊張不安、沒有安全感。

造成許多青少年喜怒無常的主要原因。

Rice, 1978 把情緒分為三類

喜悅狀態 (joyous states) 如快樂、愉悅、愛等

抑制狀態 (inhibitory states) 如擔憂、恐懼、焦慮、厭惡、悲傷等。

敵意狀態 (hostile states) 如憤怒、憎恨與嫉妒等

情緒變化有如天氣

青少年階段應視為跟父母關係的改變，而非切斷和父母之間的聯繫。

心理變化

青少年面臨自我認同的危機來自以下六方面：

1.前瞻性或混淆的時間觀2.自我肯定或自我懷疑3.預期工作有成或無所事事4.性別角色認同或兩性混淆5.服從或領導的辨認6.意識信念形成或價值困難

社交發展

青少年特有的自我中心現象雖然了解別人和自己的想法可能不同，但常

以自己的想法去推估別人想法，認為自己是別人眼中的焦點，而產生了想像的觀點。

親子關係緊張青少年追尋獨立自主，若父母的管教方式和

期望不能配合青少年發展而調整，很容易產生親子衝突。逐漸不再依賴父母，留在家庭的時間減少。

參加朋輩團體重視友誼和建立異性關係，青少年希望被朋

黨團體肯定接納，重視親密的友誼，對於培養獨立自主的能力、異性關係的建立等有幫助。


1. The Moralizer

Positives to Build On Moral compass, trusts

instincts Analytic ability Detail orientation Honorable Continual self-improvement Can envision perfection Takes on causes; upholds

justice, ethics, and moral principles

Helps others see error Strives for excellence

Negatives to Overcome Focuses on what’s wrong One-track thinking, it’s

either right or wrong Overpreparation, avoids

error Inflexible, rigid, tends to

self-righteousness Moral superiority masks real

emotions Procrastination from fear of

error Indirect anger at being

responsible for making the world “right”

Lives with harsh inner critic commenting on performance

Burdened by self-criticism about not meeting internal standards of perfection

2. The Helper Parent

Positives to Build On

Gives invaluable support Supports authority figure True altruist (利他主義） Caregiver Capable of real

connection Emotional buoy （救生衣） Empathic Nurturer Facilitates potential in

others

Negatives to Overcome

Proud of being needed Constant need for

approval Selective about whom to

help Curries favor Plays it safe, not a risk

taker Assumes many selves,

manipulative Can become resentful and

angry if feels freedom is curtailed.

3. The Organizer


Self-Confidence Reliability Keeps focus on tasks Natural authority figure Goal Orientation Multitask thinker/doer Competitive Drives self and family to succeed Efficiency


Image of the perfect parent Value results, impatient for

progress Pushes down on feelings Believes own propaganda Assumes is lived for actions rather

than self Difficulty in opening to feelings Avoids failure Wants to be winner or the family to

be a winning team-at all costs Views family as a project, brushes

asides feelings

4. The Dreamer


Connectivity Creativity Empathy in pain Passion Compassion Intensity Understanding Authenticity Intuitive ability


Feeling special to disguise shame

Melancholia, heightened emotions

Envy that other have what’s missing

Wants the unattainable, egocentricity

Needs to be different, special Inflating emotions Feeling unworthy, courts

abandonment Avoids the ordinary, mundane,

mediocre Romanticizes emotions,

overdramatizes connections

5. The Observer


Rationality Calmness and balance Objectivity Creative synthesizing of ideas Big-picture thinking Predictability Independence Nonjudging Restraint


Requires privacy, guards time and energy

Draws back from personal interactions

Secrecy, overvalues independence Prefers nonengagement in

emotions Tendency to be minimalistic in the

physical world Lacks spontaneity, emphasizes

controlling emotions Overvalues the self, takes a

detached, observing stance Compartmentalizes, keeps family,

work, other areas of life separate Noncommunicative, interactions

can be problematic

6. The Questioner


Local, sticks with the agenda

Responsible. Endures Protects the underdog Questions incisively Logical Rational Clear-thinking Troubleshooter Skeptical


Fearful, scans for danger

Fear can be paralyzing, undermining

Struggles with authority issues

Doubtful of self and others: “Yes, but……”

Self-sabotaging, fears that success brings hostility

Defensive, afraid of own and others’ anger

Suspicious, devil’s advocate,

7. The Entertainer

Positives to Build on

Optimism and upbeat attitude Entertaining storyteller Plans, visions, dreams Multioptional thinker Upbeat energy and fun Egalitarian Renaissance thinker Interconnective conceptual ability Sparks energy and excitement


Trouble with commitment, seeks other options

Escapes from difficult personal interactions

Evasive, skates over the hard parts

Feels immune to others’ pain and conflict

Addicted to change for change’s sale

Feels entitled by own mental gifts

Tends to live in a future fantasy world of many options

Overly creative imagination, charms, and disarms, smooth talker

Avoids (emotional and mental ) pain

8. The Protector

Positives to Build on

Take-charge leadership Forges a path for others to follow Ability to confront Directness Protective of underdogs Shares intimacy when it’s safe Seeks justice and upholds truth Loyal to trusted people Empowers others, uses force on behalf

of others


Excessive behavior, can’t maintain stability

Authoritarian, controlling, rigid

Blames others for own miscalculations

Denial of limitations, seen as weaknesses

Damaging, direct anger, tests limits

Keeps a lid on vulnerability, controls being hurt

Being vengeful wards off vulnerability and hurt

Extreme – no middle ground Lag time in acknowledging

own feeling

9. The Peacekeeper


Loves unconditionally Energy on behalf of

others Accepts others Good listener Fair – sees all points of

view Able to help others

access feelings Tries to keep family

dynamic nonconflictual Supportive Predictable


Stubborn, avoids anger and conflict

Procrastination Asleep to him- or herself,

runs in neutral Contains own energy by

inertia Loses own position, passive,

not an initiator Slow to express anger. To

know own feelings Difficulty, tamps down

emotions, drains energy Prefers the familiar,

problems with prioritizing

1. The Moralizer

State your criticism gently, repeating that it’s constructive feedback, and that you love them unconditionally

Practice letting go; practice being imperfect; a mistake is simply a mistake

Try not to see Fun as a Temptation for “Wrong” behavior

2. The Helper

Telling your family what you need - say “ I need help with this.”

Use your gift of giving judiciously – give only when your help is asked for

Be yourself – Find time to be alone.

3. The Organizer

Be aware that you exaggerate positives and neglect negatives. This can lead your children not to trust you.

Operate at your children’s pace. Allow them to be human being, and not human doing.

Stop seeking approval.

4. The Dreamer

Develop inner equanimity Try to keep yourself

focused on that and not always be pulled away when things feel ordinary

Avoid depression- when your attention goes to what’s missing, count the positives in your life.

5. The Observer

Be aware that you tend to share little of yourself; successful relationships are a two-way street.

Develop social skills – Your children need you to be their models.

Share your gifts of rational thinking, of keeping a cool head in a charged situation. You are invaluable in a crisis.

6. The Questioner

Be aware that you may be projecting your fears and emotions onto your children. (Ask your family for help in sorting out real dangers from imagined threats)

Learn to trust your children.

Find a process to overcome procrastination

7. The Entertainer

Your preference is to equalize authority. Your children need an authority figure

Don’t avoid painful emotions and situations

Once you have the plan, commit yourself to a course of action.

8. The Protector

Structure your authority so it’s not too rigid and controlling

Try to less blunt, not less truthful. There are 10 ways of saying the same thing

Embody the idea of containment, of not allowing your energy spill over and consume everyone.

9. The Peacemaker

Don’t bury your anger, it will explode later and can be harmful to your children.

Learn to make decisions for yourself, voice your own opinion, notice when you defer to others. Your children are aware that you don’t take the lead.

Stop stubborn, try to put yourself into situations where you can safety engage in conflict.

Attentional Focus

1. error / how corrected2. Needs of others3. Tasks4. What’s missing5. Acquiring knowledge6. Scanning for hidden

dangers7. Pleasant plans and future

options8. Power and control9. Other’s agenda

Gifts

1. Moral compass2. True altruism3. Leadership on behalf of

others4. Creativity and uniqueness5. Rationality6. Logic7. Optimism8. Harnessing energy to

empower others9. Universal love

Avoidances

1. Error2. Own emotional needs3. Failure4. Ordinariness5. Connection6. Deviance (being seen as different)7. Pain8. Vulnerability9. conflict

Growth Path

1. From critically and judging to serenity2. From pride to humility3. From self-deceit to honesty4. From envy to equanimity5. From hoarding to allowing6. From fear to courage7. From no limits to restraint8. From excess to trusting sufficiency9. From being asleep to oneself to right action

The End

Documents

我怎樣可以陪伴 青少年子女成長呢？

我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢？