Psych 1.1 - Pilot

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Text of Psych 1.1 - Pilot

Thursday, June 5, 2008Pilot Episode Psych Transcript 1.1Psych Pilot Episode1986 Santa Barbara, CA - Young Shawn Spencer is at a diner with his policeman father.Henry: You do your homework?Shawn: Uh-huh.Henry: Finish those beets?Shawn: Yep. Can I have the fudge cake?Henry: Close your eyes.Shawn: Dad, I dont wannaHenry: Now.Shawn: Ugh. Shawn closes his eyes.Henry: Which letter is out in the exit sign?Shawn: The X.Henry: What color is the vinyl?Shawn: Whats vinyl?Henry: Its the stuff these seats are covered in.Shawn: Purple.Henry: Maroon, close enough. Managers name?Shawn: Who?Henry: Shes wearing a name tag. The woman standing at the front door when we first walked in.Shawn recalls the moment they entered the diner.Henry: You saw her.Shawn remembers seeing the womans name tag.Shawn: Marie. Can I have the cake now?Henry: How many hats?Shawn: Ugh, come on, Dad!Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake? How many hats are in the room?With eyes still shut, Shawn tries to remember all the customers who are wearing hats.Shawn: Does a beanie count?Henry: What do you think?Shawn: Three.Henry: You didnt describe them.Shawn: Thats not fair.Henry: Times almost up, Shawn.Shawn: One has a flower, the one the ladys wearing. One has a picture of some kind of lion, on the weird guy with the crooked tooth. The last one is on the chef.Henry: What about the beanie?Shawn: A beanies a cap, not a hat.Henry: All right, open your eyes.Shawn: Thank you!Marie: Wow, thats amazing.Henry: Its adequate. Get him his cake.Marie: I guess I know what youre gonna be when you grow up.Shawn: Oh, Im never gonna grow up, maam.2006Still Santa Barbara. Shawn is at his apartment kissing his date.Girl: Nice place.Shawn: Thank you.Shawn accidentally turns on the TV.Man on TV: precipitation later on in the week, but all in all, a wonderful day to take a hike. Now, back to you, Dana.Girl: I knew you were gonna be my best table.Shawn moans. Dana sits on top of him and the two resume kissing.Dana:voicing her concerns regarding the departments long-time policies. Joe, do the police have any leads at this time?Shawn sneaks a peek at the TV.Joe: Were at a loss, we really dont know what else to do. Its been a tough few weeks, weve basically run out of ideas. Hopefully, the the police will b e able to crack this one for us.Dana: Closing the books on Divisions break-ins could be just the olive branch needed to set things in the right direction.Shawn reaches for the phone.Girl: What are you doing?Shawn: Im calling the police.Girl: Any particular reason?Shawn: I think I just closed a case.Girl: You didnt tell me youre a cop.Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. Definitely not a cop.Girl: Mmmm.Shawn: Does that disappoint you?Girl: I just thought you might have handcuffs.Shawn: Oh, I have handcuffs. Hello?Woman on Phone: Santa Barbara Police Department.Shawn: Ah, its the store manager, he did it.Woman on Phone: Pardon me?Shawn: Uh, the stereo robberies, at Divisions chain store. Hes on Channel 8 News right now. His hands, nervous tick, dead giveaway. And he wont look at the reporter in the eyes.Woman on Phone: And your name is?Shawn: My name? My name is Shawn Spencer.Woman on Phone: And is there anything else today?Shawn: No, thats gonna do it.Dana: retailers are waiting and hopingShawn: Actually, the tags on the news van have expired, but thats completely unrelated.The following day, Shawn Spencer arrives at the police station. He goes over to the desk sergeant who is on the phone.Shawn: Hello, officer.Desk Sgt.: Okay, but you gotta go. It was awesome. Well, yeah.Shawn sees the various lucky charms on the officers station.Desk Sgt.: Yeah.Shawn: Hi.The officer is still on the phone.Desk Sgt: It was amazing.Shawn: Im Shawn Spencer.The officer points at the bench.Desk Sgt.: And the other thing isWell, no, Im not gonna pay for it.Shawn: Oh, no, no, no, thats not for me. Uh, Im here for a commendation I called in a tip.The officer points at the bench.Desk Sgt.: Uh-huh. Oh, no, Michelle, I cant pay for that.Shawn: Heres the thing. These are new pants.The officer now looks annoyed and again points to the bench.Shawn: Clearly, you feel very strongly about this. Right.Shawn sits on the bench where another man sits.Desk Sgt.: Eighty dollars is a lot for a reading. But she was astounding. I mean, she knew about Grannys childhood, and the curious she left Bobby. I mean, I could literally feel her spirit in the room.Shawn looks at the man sitting beside him. The man has Bloodthirsty tattooed on his forehead and a teardrop on his cheek.Shawn: Get out of here. You know I have the same tattoo. They spelled bloodthirsty wrong on mine, can you believe it?The man lunges at Shawn, but he is chained to the bench.Shawn: I cannot believe you didnt test that out first.A door opens and Shawn sees one of the officers dancing.Officer: One, two three. One, two, three. One, two, three.Shawn turns his attention back to the man beside him and sees shards of glass on the roll of his sleeves.Shawn: Whatd you do? Bust up your ex-wifes car?Man: Her new boyfriends.Shawn: Thatll teach her.Man: They got no witnesses.Shawn: Sweet. You might wanna brush the shards of taillight off your sleeve.The man looks at his sleeve.Shawn: Just a tip.Man: Gee, thanks, guy.Shawn: Sure.The man brushes off the shards of glass, but they just fall inside his boots.Later, Officer Buzz McNab escorts Shawn Spencer to a room.Officer McNab: Right this way, Mr. Spencer.Shawn: So, when do I get my money?A woman detective opens the door.Lucinda: Money?Shawn: Yeah, the reward?Shawn enters the interrogation room.Shawn: You guys arrested the store manager, am I right?Lassiter: Why dont you let us ask the questions for a while?Shawn: Okay.Shawn takes a seat, and observes from the reflection on the one-way mirror that Lassiter is playing with the hair of his partner, Lucinda.Shawn: So, which questions might those be?Lassiter: Oh, I dont know. Like, where were you the night of the last robbery?Shawn: I was robbing a stereo shop.Shawn laughs.Shawn: I wasnt. I dont know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing. Not solving crime.Lassiter: Youre not helping your case here.Shawn: My case? Wait, wait, wait. Im actually a suspect?Lassiter: Oh, youre our lead suspect.Shawn: I gave you the guy.Lassiter: He had a partner.Shawn: I have to find that guy? Im confused. When do you start chipping in?Lassiter: See, your information was good. So good, it could only have come from the inside.Shawn: Inside of what? Look, Ive called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.Lassiter: I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. LikeLassiter looks at the contents of a file folder.Lassiter: Oh, youre currently unemployed. Youve never held a job for more than six months, and you have a criminal record.Shawn: I was 18.Lassiter: Oh, 18? Well, that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out!Shawn: I borrowed a car.Lassiter: You stole a car.Shawn: To impress a girl.Lucinda: Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.Shawn: Would it help at all if I told you that she had a bit of a reputation and I was 0 for high school? Okay, fine. There were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father, he was trying to teach me a lesson.Lassiter: Did you learn it?Shawn: I learned I hated my father, so, sure.Lassiter: Well, pardon me if Im just a little skeptical. Believable, as it is, that you solved all these crimesIm sorry, what was it?Lassiter looks at the file.Lassiter: Watching the local Channel 8 News reports.Shawn: I confess. Thats not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.Lassiter: So, youre telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.Shawn: Cant you?Lassiter: Dont you try and trivialize police work.Shawn: I think youre doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself. You cant keep me here, guys. I know my rights.Shawn stands up and makes his way to the door.Lassiter: Good. Then you know you have the right to remain silent.Shawn opens the door, but Officer McNab blocks his way.Lassiter: You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.Shawn chuckles.Shawn: Wait a minute, youre serious?Lassiter: A few hours in a holding cell might job your memory.Shawn takes a quick look at the holding cell where other prisoners are detained. Shawn gulps.Lucinda: Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. Thats all we need. How did you get this information?Lassiter: No, it is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him.Officer Allen, the desk sergeant arrives and cuffs Shawn.Shawn: Oh, come on, cuffs? What? For the walk back to the lobby?Lucinda: Or, you could give us a plausible explanation.Shawn looks at Officer Allen, sees her crystal necklace and other lucky charms, and has a bright idea.Shawn: Okay, okay. Fine, you win. I got the information, becauseIm a psychic.Officer Allen drops the cuffs.Lassiter: Get him out of here.Shawn: Oh, boy.Shawn pretends to lose his balance then looks at Officer Allen.Shawn: Your grandma would be so proud.Officer Allen: You spoke to her?Shawn: I did. Shes safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.Officer Allen: The palm readers?Shawn: The palm readers.Shawn puts his hand on the womans cheek.Lucinda: Okay, just to be clear, youre claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.Shawn exclaims.Shawn: How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. OneShawn turns to Officer McNabShawn: Whens the wedding?McNab: May 3rd. Wait, howd you know?Shawn: Im getting dance lessons for a wedding reception. And you are getting good.McNab: Wow, thats amazing.Lassiter: Oh, come on. Whos buying this?Officer McNab and one of the prisoners raise their hand.Shawn: I got it. Go to detention room number two, shake down your vandal. Youll find all the evidence you need.Shawns left foot starts shaking.Shawn: All the evidence is in his left shoe.Detective Lucinda rolls her eyes