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Fax: (334) 555-1212 473 Horass Rd., Outhouse 100 Tel: (334)
555-BLOW
Smegma Law Inc.
1 Apr 2012
Heywood JablomeVIA U.S. MAIL
1060 West Addison StreetChicago, IL 60613
Re: Naughtius Maximus Productions LLC v. Does
1-14807:11-cv-03571-FUC-YU,
Ref#0101010001110010011011110110110001101100
Dear Mr. Jablome:
Smegma Law Inc. has been retained by Naughtius Maximus
Productions LLC to threaten Internet Service
Providers (ISP) subscribers who illegally download their
copyright content, AKA: Basement Dwelling
Pudwackers (BDP). BDP piracy is a very serious problem for smut
producers, such as our client, who
depends on revenues to purchase expensive residences, fast cars,
and of course the young inexperienced
models who take one in the face for a meager amount.
On November 11, 2011, at 03:23:11 GMT (UTC), our agents (my
cousin Lem; he set-up the Blue Ray
Player in our house; he is smart) observed the public Internet
Protocol (IP) address with which you are
associated illegally BDP Pirating the following copyrighted file
via BitTorrent:
Midget Tranny Plumper Gang Bang 12
The ISP you were connected to: Noballs Communications
Your IP address you were assigned during the BDP activity:
94.75.220.77
We have received a subpoena return from your ISP confirming that
you are indeed the BDP pirate
identified on the above listed date/time. On 1 July 2011 we
filed an action against several anonymous BDP
pirates (Naughtius Maximus Productions LLC v. Does 1-1480).
Under the applicable rules of civil procedure,
our lawsuit against you personally will not start unless we
serve you with a complaint.
While it is too late to undo the BDP pirating associated with
your public IP address, we have prepared an
offer to enable our client and I to get rich from the
unspeakable harm caused by the illegal BDP pirating, as
well as allowing both parties to avoid the expense of a
lawsuit.
Under the Copyright Law of the United States, copyright owners
may recover up to $150,000 in statutory
damages (in cases where statutory damages are applicable - which
may or may not be the case here, but I
sure hope it scares you into thinking $3400 is a GREAT deal!)
per infringing file plus attorney's fees in
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For BDP Settlement Purposes Only - Not To Be Taken Seriously In
Any Sense - Parody
cases, whereas here, BDP piracy was willful. You see, If I get
half of the BDP pirates in this case to pay me,
Naughtius Maximus Productions LLC and I will split $2,516,000
(740 Does X $3400 Fee = $2,516,000).
If you are not going to pay the BDP fee, please make sure to run
and hide so we can obtain a Default
Judgment against you. In a recent case where the Copyright Law
has been applied to BDP piracy, the
court awarded $750 each against two BDP pirates who did not
respond to court summons. You shouldhave been at the after party.
My wife danced on the table and we got real drunk off Cold
Duck.
Please know our track record of actually litigating these
matters is not good. But we are getting better and
once I interview all the applicants from the local employment
agency, Im going to open a can owhoop ass.
I just have to remember to make sure they are authorized to
practice law, as well as passed the bar.
In light of these factors, we believe avoiding litigation (and
embarrassment yours and mine) by paying our
demands, versus the costs of attorneys' fees is so very
reasonable and in the best of faith. In exchange for
paying the full BDP settlement sum of $3400, we will release you
from liability and keep you name out of
the public view. Extra bonus - If you settle now, we will even
include at no extra cost, a great gift T-shirt:
Smegma Law Inc., We Fight BDP Pirates! This special offer will
expire on April 13, 2012 at 1:00 p.m - Iplan to be down at the bar
by then. If you reject our BDP settlement offer, I promise I will
have my
employee Mike repeatedly call you. I will apologize in advance
for him; his Momma dropped him on his
head a few times. Never mind that, you will be served with a
Complaint and litigation will start (Im not
joking).
To reiterate: if you act promptly you will avoid being named as
a Defendant in the lawsuit. You may pay the
BDP settlement amount by:
(a) Mailing a check or money order payable to "Smegma Law Inc.
Slush Fund Account" to:
Smegma Law Inc.
473 Horass Rd., Outhouse 100
Morass, AL 36092;
(b) Completing and mailing/faxing the enclosed payment
authorization to:
Smegma Law Inc.
473 Horass Rd., Outhouse 100
Morass, AL 36092
Facsimile: (334) 555-1212
Be sure to reference your case number and your "Ref#" on your
method of payment. Regardless of your
payment method, once we have processed the BDP fee, we will mail
you your signed Release as
confirmation that you have been screwed by us, as well as being
released from a really bad and terribly ugly
lawsuit by our team of specialized attorneys (like my cousin
Daryl. He gets really mean when he drinks
shine).
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For BDP Settlement Purposes Only - Not To Be Taken Seriously In
Any Sense - Parody
Please consider this letter as formal notice that until and
unless we are able to settle the BDP claim against
you, we demand that you not delete any files from your computer
or any other computers under your
control or in your possession (Hell, just go unplug the damn
thing). If forced to proceed against you in a
lawsuit, we will have my sisters boyfriend (Bubba; he installed
Windows once) inspect these computers in
an effort to locate the above listed smut and to determine if
you have deleted any content. If we find you
have continued to use your computer and delete files, we will
whine most loudly to the judge, because we
know you are guilty. I have been practicing my whining lately
and think I can beat you. If you are
unfamiliar with the BDP nature of this claim in this context,
please consult an attorney.
We strongly encourage you to consult with an attorney to review
your rights in connection with this
matter. Although we have endeavored to scare you into paying us,
you should not rely on our allegation as
anything close to being based on fact or good faith. Only hiring
an attorney costing more than paying us can
be relied upon for a comprehensive analysis of our BDP claim
against you. Enclosed, please find a totally
unbiased Frequently Asked Questions sheet, a payment
authorization form and a sample of the Release that
you will receive (suitable for framing or use in the outhouse).
We look forward to obtaining your money by
scaring you with possible job loss, financial ruin, loss of
family and friend respect, and anything else we canthink of.
Sincerely,
Johnson (Willy) SmegheadAttorney and Toilet Cleaner at the local
lodge
Enclosures
