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5773
Rabbi Shaanan Gelman
Drasha
Veiled Tears
In the multitude of reactions to the tragic shootings in Newtown,
Connecticut, one of the most notable moments was President Obamas
brief but poignant words delivered the same day. Many were quick to
comment about the Presidents uncharacteristic tears during that
speech. One of the side discussions which broke out in the newspapersand political articles was whether it is appropriate for a leader to cry in
public.
This past week I stumbled upon something so obvious, yet for some
strange reason I never noticed beforehand.
Yosef cries a lot. Thats not to say that he isnt justified in doing so or
that we wouldnt respond in a similar fashion under thosecircumstances. Notwithstanding, he cries a lot; and more so than any
other character in Tanach, Yosefs waterworks seem to be constantly
flowing at high volume.
Not only does crying appear to be an important motif in Yosefs life, but
Chumash Bereshit ends after informing us of the final tears which Yosef
sheds:
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And so, one might even suspect that there is some final message
encoded within the tears, preparing us for the next stage, as we
embark upon Sefer Shemot and the transition from familial life to
nationhood.
In order to assess whether Yosefs tears are significant , we have to take
a look at the circumstances under which they occurred.
Yosef cries a grand total of seven times. The first time appears when
Yosef overhears the brothers speaking about what they did to Yosef,
confessing their crime amongst themselves. Yosefs response:
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:
And he turned himself about from them, and wept; and he returned to
them, and spoke to them, and took Simeon from among them, and
bound him before their eyes.
Rav Aaron Lichtenstein pointed out a peculiar pattern in the emotional
response of Yosef he tends to run away from expressing his emotions
openly.The next time he cries occurs when Yosef lays eyes on his brother
Binyamin for the first time in many years:
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29 And he lifted up his eyes, and saw Benjamin his brother, his mother's son, and
said: 'Is this your youngest brother of whom ye spoke unto me?' And he said: 'God
be gracious unto thee, my son.'30And Joseph made haste; for his heart yearned
toward his brother; and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his
chamber, and wept there. 31 And he washed his face, and came out; and he
refrained himself, and said: 'Set on bread.'
Instead of publicly expressing his joy, Yosef is ashamed; he fights back
the tears and enters a private room. He then quickly composes himself,
washes off his face and instructs his servants to set his guests up with a
meal.
The next cry happens when he reveals his identity to his brothers:
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1 Then Joseph could not refrain himself before all them that stood by
him; and he cried: 'Cause every man to go out from me.' And there
stood no man with him, while Joseph made himself known unto his
brethren. 2 And he wept aloud; and the Egyptians heard, and the houseof Pharaoh heard.
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Rav Lichtenstein1
notes that this is obviously an exaggeration, and that
it is clear that the Egyptians didnt hear the cry throughout the entire
land. Rather, what is being expressed here is that the cry is a dramatic
and intended to leave a lasting impression:
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Yosef wants to break free from the past, he wants to establish the
connection again, to mend the gap and to create the image of
accessibility. His tears in this instance are an expression of that desire.
But does Yosef succeed in removing his mask entirely?
The next time he cries is when Yosef is reunited with Binyamin:
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And he even cries at that point about the other as well:
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1http://www.etzion.org.il/dk/5770/1205maamar1.html
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Radak notes that only Yosef cries and not the brothers, as opposed to
Binyamin who cries with Yosef, indicating that something was amiss2:
" , "
And they did not cry because they were embarrassed of him.
According to Radaks reading it seems that not all was mended at this
point. Perhaps Yosef had hoped that the relationship would be healed by
now, but the brothers still feared Yosef more than they loved him.
The next time he cries also provides us with a bit of ambiguity, as Yosef
is at last reunited with his father:
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Here, Rashi famously notes that the Torah only describes one of the two
as cryingand while Yosef was crying, Yaakov is reciting the Shema.
It would seem as well based upon this reading that a proper reunion has
not yet occurred, as only one of them is crying.
According to Ramban the one who is crying here is Yaakov, and Yosef
is dry eyed. Rav Lichtenstein explains that as Yaakov is overwhelmed
with emotion, Yosef is preserving his image as an Egyptian ruler, and
leaders do not cry in public.
What led the Ramban to read that into this moment?
It seems that every time Yosef cries there is either an attempt to veil
himself and to hide his tears. Seeing that only one of them cried at this
2See Rav Saadiah Gaons comment on this possuk, who understands that Yosef cried together with the brothers.
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reunion, its perhaps logical to deduce that the one who was not crying
was in fact Yosef, the man who consistently avoids showing his cards.
And even when he does cry, it seems that no true connection had been
established .
Lets skip to the final cry with which we began:
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Something here is terribly wrongYosef cries, but its not clear why he
is crying at this point. 17 years had passed since their initial reunion,
one would think that the tear ducts have long since dried up and that all
of the expression and sentiment which was once so fresh has already
been dealt with. Rav Chanoch Waxman3
suggests though that this time
Yosef cries for another reason
These are tears of absolute isolation and solitude. For that matter, these
tears are not normal tears, the joy of reunification or the grief and
mourning of death. Rather, these tears are the unique tears of Yosef.
These are the solitary tears of anguish and alienation
3http://www.vbm-torah.org/parsha.62/12vayechi.htm
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The Netziv4picked up on this in his commentary the Haemek Davar:
....''".'. "
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Yosef cries because he is still suspected of harboring resentment. He
cries because after years together, his brothers still believe that hewants to seek vengeance. Yosef realizes in the final moments of his life
that nothing has been achieved, no advancement of his relationship.
Yosef is to them the viceroy of Egypt; he is nothing more than the
provider of sustenance and the one who issues taxes on the citizens.
As he realizes this harsh truth, he reminds them that he will continue to
provide for them sustenance:
4The Neztiv bases himself upon the following Mishna in Yoma, in which we find the High priest crying because he
realizes that he is suspected of being a Sadducee:
:
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But as he exits the stage, Yosef is a broken man. He will sadly remain at
arms length from his family, viewed first and foremost as the feared
ruler and not the brother who attempted to pour out his heart on their
shoulders!
And in an ironic twist of fate, Yosef realizes how utterly dependent he is
upon his siblings, begging them to bury him in Eretz Canaan. Alas,
explains Rav Lichtenstein, it is not Yosef who sustains his brothers, butrather his brothers who must sustain him in the final moments.
The persona of Egyptian ruler who is afraid to cry in public and who is
feared more than he is respected has won out in the end. And though
Yosef truly loves his family and yearns for closeness, they do not see
things the same way.Ann Cuddy, body language expert, and professor in the Harvard
Business School deals with the various poses people take duringstressful times and how the position of ones body and expression on
their face can determine the outcome of those interactions. She
mentioned that one of most stressful encounter people have is a job
interview and that there are times when the person conducting the
interview will take an expressionless pose; and in doing so they
paralyze the person who is sitting on the other side of the table. The
one taking the interview is given no social clues and no indication as to
whether their words have made an impact. This phenomenon is called
Standing in social Quicksand.
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What has happened to the is that they are standing in social
quicksand, either because Yosef waited too long to remove his mask or
because the damage done in the past was too profound, or a
combination of both. Either way, the veiled tears of Yosef were notsufficient to break the paralysis.
Yosefs stalwart position and emotionless stance, the game face he has
been wearing for the past 17 years has left his brothers wondering
where they stood.
When we paralyze people we know in such a manner, when we take
stances which express no normative emotional reactions, and when wehold onto the public persona of the leader or of the CEO or of the stern
parent or provider for the household, we risk not forming a meaningful
connection. Do we really want others to walk on eggshells around us,
ever frightened that they arent saying the right things or doing their
job properly or pulling their weight in a relationship?
And the same is true in our encounter with Hashem if we fail to
respond emotionally, if we keep up appearances as the servant but
never remove our masks, we build a barrier that becomes very difficult
to ever tear down.
As we end the book of familial relationships and move into the realm of
nationhood and religious identity we must preserve this important
lesson. Let us be real people remove the mask, know that its alright
to express emotion, that it doesnt make you a weak leader or a
spineless husband, or a cowardly friend, or even a non believer. It just
makes you genuine. If something warms our hearts, lets express it, if
someone offends our sensibilities, talk about it, and if we want to mend
something that became broken, do so before its too late. And if we
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want to feel the presence of God in our lives, dont stand on ceremony
and posture; because its better to cry with God and with our fellow,
than to have to do so alone.