Metamophosis QA

8/11/2019 Metamophosis QA

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The questioner's philosophy:You make your life your own heaven or hell -everything is a choice.

The questioner's hopes and aspirations:What I want most in life is to fallin true love, have kids and live happily ever after.

Question:How do you know when you're in true love? I used to really trustmy gut instincts and follow my heart wherever it led me. hen a!out a yearago my !oyfriend and I of "# months !roke up. I know we were young !ut wehad !een together so long everyone assumed we would eventually marry. Ithought I was in true love and he was the one. It was a !ad !reakup thatcame out of nowhere.

$ow a year later I'm over him and starting a new relationship. he guy I'mwith now I really care a!out. I have so much fun when I'm with him and wehave so much in common. We're !oth huge dorks. We have fun curling upreading !ooks together or playing chess and once we even designed ourdream li!rary. It's the kind of stuff I can do with him that I've never !een a!le

to do with anyone else. When he holds me in his arms, without thinking I turnto him to tell him that I love him and catch myself at the last minute. I reallydon't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past%

&ut I ust don't know how to tell if it's real. I used to !e an emotional rollercoaster in all my past relationships. I used to feel so unsteady. When I'm withmy !oyfriend, for the first time in my life I feel solid and steady. I'm so scaredof repeating past mistakes that I'm afraid that's what is holding me !ack. &utthen again I'm afraid I'm trying to make it true love so that I can prove tomyself that I'm not a coward and I'm not afraid to take a chance on loveagain. I hope you can help me.

Wallace's reply:

Having successful romantic relationships is the theme for this week'smagazine. Here we have an important question for all of you who are in aromantic partnership - how can I tell if this is true love? Please contribute tothis week's theme by posting your comments on the forum.

I feel encouraged !y your (uestion. )any people are uncomforta!le with thesecure and steady feeling you are getting from your relationship. hey lookfor drama or e*citement - the adrenalin rush - and think if it's not high octaneit must not !e true love. $othing could !e further from the truth. rue love isfun, easy and low maintenance - it promotes feelings of steadiness, securityand peace, !ut still retains what I would call a (uiet e*citement that comes

from the kind of sharing that only your partnership can offer.

You have !een shocked and hurt !y the !reakup of your last relationship andare naturally wary of !eing hurt again. I would encourage you to share thesefeelings with your partner. If he is a sensitive man he will understand yourreticence and, through sharing these feelings and having them accepted !yhim, you will feel more trusting and confident in your partner. +t that point youmay find yourself telling him that you love him with confidence.


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earn to take the progress of your relationship one step at a time. It onlycreates undue stress and unrealistic levels of e*pectation to think at this earlystage Is this it? Is this true love? earn to watch your own mind form thesee*pectations and when you see them arise, say to yourself, I am having ane*pectation and let it go. earn to love life's uncertainty and have fewere*pectations of how things will work out and you will enoy your relationship

and your life more. &e content to let your relationship progress toe*pressions of mutual endearment and then !e open to whatever happensne*t.

What do humans add to the living systems of this planet and how does spirituality fitinto the present consumer age?

The questioner's philosophy:I have an open perspective on life that is!ased on the idea that the only thing more mysterious than death is life itself.We know little a!out what it is and what it really means. If we and our leadersknew more we pro!a!ly would not fight and kill each other as much.

The questioner's hopes and aspirations:ife is guided !y rules which I amstill working on. I prefer the +lice in Wonderland perspective, !ut I amrooted to hear-and-now... I hope to resolve feelings and past relationshipsthat have twisted out of shape.

Question:It seems that all things, !oth living and non-living, cycle in someway to maintain a !alance in the o!ective world. We can o!serve thesecycles and note their efficacy. /rom the water cycle to the life cycles, we cansee the inter-workings of any system of which we are a part. However, what!enefit does human life add to these systems? We seem to !e the odd !allof reality. We add nothing and use everything. 0ur altruistic inclinations areonly towards ourselves and the world turns downward.

Why should suicide !e considered a non-via!le option for people who !elievethey have reached the point where further usury of nature and other people,!enefits no one and nothing? 1o much an*iety and difficulty is added to thisthinking, !ecause we consider ourselves to !e so great and wonderful, !utthe evidence is (uite the opposite. We are the narcissistic entity of theplanet. I see the only reasona!le role for humans as caretaker of all things,!ut we have !ecome the users of all things....

I do !elieve there is hope, !ut it is spiritual and possesses little actualreference value in this world. 2verything is designed to point away fromspiritual truths and stimulate usury 3consumption4.

Wallace's reply:

I am delighted to answer this (uestion since it highlights the spiritual crisisthat many people feel at the present time. What do humans add to the livingsystems of this planet, since we are consuming to the point where we aredegrading the planet, and how does spirituality, which seems to !e a thingapart, fit in to the present consumer age? 3I will deal with your (uestion a!outsuicide at the end of my reply.4 I also invite readers to contri!ute to theseimportant (uestions in the Heart to Heart /orum.


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What is the purpose of all this striving, consuming, !uilding andmanufacturing, and why are humans the odd !all, apparently una!le towork in harmony with nature as the rest of 5od's creation does? We appearthe odd !all, as you put it, !ecause humans are the only part of the naturalworld that is a!le to view the rest of the world in a conscious and o!ectiveway. What does this mean? It means that our actions are not e*clusively

determined !y instinct !ut are freely chosen. 6nlike animals, humans are freeto learn, make choices and e*press themselves. In an effort to learn andinteract we strive, !uild, consume and manufacture. +t first glance all thishuge human effort, which seems so wasteful and in some cases so pointless,has a very important purpose... and that purpose is to learn something ofinfinite value. +nd, you may ask, what is the infinitely valua!le thing learnt?he answer is 072. 8lanet 2arth is a huge factory that produces 072.)ore and more and more 072.

How can this !e? I hear you protest, What a!out the starving millions, thedrug trade, human trafficking, not to mention terrorism and war?8hilosophers have asked these (uestions down through the ages and havegiven, at !est, confused answers. I will reply from a spiritual perspective -seen from this perspective everything !ecomes simple and clear.

he answer to this (uestion is that people learn a!out 072 !y makingmistakes. he !igger mistakes they make, the harder their life !ecomes, andit is the resulting stress that makes them stop and ask if there is a !etter way.When they do that then 5od will directly show them through inner guidanceor will guide them to a teacher who can show them the !etter way. It isimportant to reali9e that we come to understand what 072 is, not !y gainingsomething, !ut !y letting go of something. We come to understand 072 !yseeing what it is not and !y letting that thing that is not love go from ourcharacter.

+n e*ample of letting go can !e seen from last week's (uestion. In it a manwas refusing to wear clean clothes !ecause he !elieved that it was manlyto !e a !it smelly. +s a result he was in immanent danger of losing hisrelationship with a woman to whom he felt very close. 3his is the mistakethat is causing him to !e stressed and has prompted him to write to me forguidance4. In my reply I challenged his !elief that !eing a !it smelly wasmanly and if he is wise he will let that !elief go and wear clean clothes. If hedoes that he will !e more considerate 3and loving4 toward his woman friendand may even win !ack her admiration.

his scenario could !e played out for any mistake that human !eings make,ranging from wearing unclean clothes, to mismanaging a factory, to drug

trafficking and terrorism. he !igger the mistake the harder the lesson andthe !igger the correction needed. 0nly 5reat 1aints, 1piritual )asters and+vatars are immune from such correction, !ecause they have attainedenlightenment and are totally aware. +ll their actions are an e*pression ofpure love and !ecause of that, ife:5od does not correct them. heir livesare e*amples of the 5race of 5od and flow and e*pand with effortless ease.

his is why a human !eing starts out on the spiritual path when theyminimi9e the faults of other people 3!ecause they know these people are


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learning valua!le lessons4, and pay close attention to their own faults andseek to eradicate them. When a human !eing makes this switch inconsciousness they !egin the path of spiritual evolution towardenlightenment. +s they get close to the state of enlightenment, they !egin tominimi9e their mistakes and in doing so, !ecome like the 1aints they aspireto emulate, and attract fewer lessons. his is what it means to win 5od's

5race. + person who has won 5od's 5race is wealthy in the true sense of theword, !ecause their life is stress free, a!undant and filled with 072.

oday, more people than ever are learning these simple truths - and there aremore people than ever to teach them - life coaches, counselors,psychotherapists, priests, psychologists, monks, management consultants,etc. In addition the range and scale of human error is growing 3hence theecological crisis to which you allude4, the effect of which is going to challenge!illions of people to re-evaluate their lives. his is now 5od's greatopportunity to transform the hearts of millions. +s a conse(uence a 5olden

+ge is fast approaching where the consciousness of humankind will ump toa higher plane and a new civili9ation will !e !orn free of war andenvironmental degradation.

/ar from !eing apart from each other, spirituality and the world are !ondedtogether like the two wings of a !ird - !oth are needed for humankind to riseup toward enlightenment.

$ow I would like to address your point a!out suicide. While it is a mistake toartificially prolong human life !eyond that point where the (uality of life isinsignificant, nevertheless it is not for us, as egotistical human !eings, tochoose the time and nature of our departure. he time and nature of ourdeparture is determined !y our ;arma, and we die in a particular way and ata particular time !ecause it is necessary for us to e*perience this kind ofsuffering. he roots for this go very deep into past lives and are also

connected with the completion of our life purpose. We need to e*perienceand go through our ;arma, !ut can ameliorate its worst effects !y leading agood and upright life - seeking to help and not harm others 3or our self4.

It is not for us to interfere with this process !y taking our own life. &yinterfering and engaging in self murder we are causing great harm to our selfand all the people who love us. /urthermore !y taking our own life we areseeking to avoid lessons we need to e*perience and, through causing somuch harm, only adding to our !urden of ;arma, which we will then carryforward into our ne*t life. ;arma accumulates as a result of improper actionand the more ;arma we accumulate, the harder our life will !e !oth in thisincarnation and in future ones.

I am about to lose a wonderful woman because we have fallen out about my personalcleanliness - is this mess salvageable?

The questioner's philosophy:I am catholic and I !elieve in live and let live.I do not udge others !ecause I have no control over how others live theirlives.


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The questioner's hopes and aspirations:&asically all I want to do is findsomeone to share my life with.

Question:I met a woman through an online dating service and things werereally awesome. We had the most !eautiful summer together. We dideverything and it was unlike any relationship that either of us had.

)y girlfriend is


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In this particular instance you have spun a story in your head a!out yourgirlfriend seeing you as a slo! and inspecting the way you live in your home.1he has said and done none of this. his is all supposition on your part. ealwith the issue with which you are presented - personal cleanliness. It iscommon knowledge, to any man that is in even slightly aware of women andtheir needs, that in the conte*t of a personal relationship, women need their

man to !e clean and fresh. hat's !ecause a clean fresh man is veryattractive to a woman. Aemem!er a woman's sense of smell is often waymore acute than a man's. 8ersonally speaking I find her re(uest 3assuming itis to do with undergarments, shirts, etc. and not outer garments like acketsand trousers4 perfectly reasona!le. +re you standing so firm on some !i9arre!elief on what makes a man a man, that you cannot grant her re(uest?

I will tell you what you need to do if you want to have a chance to re-esta!lishyour relationship. You need to decide if you can live with your girlfriend'sre(uest regarding your personal cleanliness, and if you can to then write toher, apologi9ing for the stance you have taken, for not understanding herneeds and for !eing so pig headed. hen promise that you will wash yourclothes as she re(uests. hen if you get !ack together, follow through - !etrue to your promise.

If your relationship is re-esta!lished, you may 3or you may not4 have furtherissues around attitudes to cleanliness. With clear communication,forgiveness, love and understanding, if there are further issues they can also!e worked through and a way of living with your differences arrived at. 1hemay have a slight compulsion to clean - or she may not, I cannot tell - !uttogether you may !e good for one another in this area. With love and clearcommunication you may !ecome cleaner and more respecta!le and she maynot !e (uite so adamant that her home is ust perfect. his would !e good for!oth of you. hat's how love works%

If she doesn't get !ack to you as a result of your letter, wait a few weeks 3ormonths4 and call her on the phone. If she really has given up on you afterthis, accept it and learn a lesson from this. You will then !e a changed personand as a result will find it easier to attract 3and keep%4 another romanticpartner

I'm in love with a wonderful man but am happily married with children - can I lovetwo men at the same time?

The questioner's philosophy:)y philosophy is more along the lines of1cience of )ind, I !elieve that 5od is pure love and in everything andeveryone, not some far off entity that udges our every move.

The questioner's hopes and aspirations:o find my sacred contract andunderstand my purpose on this plane.

Question:When I was in my late twenties I met a wonderful free spiritedman that I fell head over heels in love with. He had the kind of career thattook him all over the world and even though he wanted to try to continue ourrelationship, al!eit !y distance, I was not secure enough in myself to trusthim. I did love this man very much, !ut I felt I needed to protect my heart


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from the pain of our inevita!le !reakup. I was also a single )om at the timeand knew I could never leave my children !ehind and follow this wonderfulman and I knew my e* hus!and would never let me take the children out ofthe country. I was the one to end the relationship and we parted as friends!ut I never e*pected to ever see him again.

I have since married !ut never forgot this man and thought of him fondly overthe years and then last year we reconnected on /ace!ook. He is a newlywedliving in another country !ut lately our emails have turned from friendship toromance. I love my hus!and !ut my feelings for this man are also veryintense. I am going to meet him and his wife in )arch and I am afraid that myfeelings may get the !est of me. I ust want to know if it is possi!le to lovemore than one person or is this ust a way for me to ustify having an affair. Iam finding this very difficult !ecause as much as I want to see him there is aside of me that thinks this may not !e a great idea. )y friends say no harmdone, he cares a!out you as a friend !ut he is in love with his wife - ust goand see him and have a nice time. Is this possi!le?

Wallace's reply:

Ban I love two men 3or women4 at the same time? his is a (uestion that has!een answered in different ways !y many people and has provoked hotde!ate throughout the ages. I will look at this (uestion from a spiritual point ofview and call on ancient wisdom 3and common sense4 to provide the answer.I would like you to also comment on this pivotal (uestion that many peoplewrestle with, !y posting your comment as a follow up to this (uestion and myreply on the Heart to Heart /orum.

I admire your courage in writing to me so honestly on this vitally importantsu!ect. I sense that your friend's advice does not sit (uite right with you -hence your email. I feel the weight of responsi!ility on my shoulders as I

reply to this (uestion.

he situation you are presented with is a test of your resolve. You say yourphilosophy is more along the lines of 1cience of )ind, I !elieve that 5od ispure love and in everything and everyone. Yes 5od is along the lines of1cience of )ind and yes 5od is pure love. Bonse(uently His will for our lifecan !e understood !y learning to look at any situation holistically. What doesthis mean? It means seeing the !ig picture and taking the course of actionthat e*presses love and does not do harm. &ringing this level of awarenessto every decision protects us from taking misguided 3and selfish4 acts thatultimately are not in our own interests and not in the interests of those welove and hold dear.

+re you doing this?

et us look together at the !ig picture. /irst of all let's !e clear a!out yourintentions. You write, I ust want to know if it is possi!le to love more thanone person or is this ust a way for me to ustify having an affair. It is o!viousfrom your (uestion that you are going to see this man with the intention ofhaving an affair. +s far as you are concerned it is not some casual trip tohave a !it of fun as your friends suggest. I will answer your (uestion. Where


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romantic love !etween a man and a woman is concerned - no, it is notpossi!le to love more than one person and - yes, your thinking this, is a wayfor you to ustify having an affair.

et us continue to look together at the !ig picture. You have a hus!and whomyou love, and children, and are married not only to your hus!and !ut also into

his family, your children's step relations, cousins, uncle's and aunt's. his is alarge group of people who are close to you and your children and who carea!out you and you a!out them. What will happen to your hus!and, whom yousay you love, and this large family group, if you !egin an affair with theperson you call this wonderful man? How will they feel a!out you having anaffair? What will happen to these relationships? How will your hus!and react?Your children may !e teenagers or young adults, !ut still need a safe andsecure family. What will happen to your children if you start this affair? Howwill they react to the turmoil of !itter relationships that will then surroundthem? What emotional and psychological damage will they suffer as a result?

hen we come to this newly wed you say you are in love with - this

wonderful man. He is only ust married and already he is acting in ways thatare contrary to his wedding vows. He is newly married to his wife and alsoconnected to his own large family group. What will happen to all theserelationships if you proceed with your intentions? +re you really prepared totravel to another woman's home, enoy her hospitality and then steal herhus!and? I have to tell you, the thought of you laying plans to this effectupsets me deeply.

$ow let us consider in more detail this man whom you say you admire - he isnewly wed, his life !onded to that of his innocent wife, so full of shared hopeand aspiration. When he is prepared to engage in romantic liaisons with youover the Internet, he is !ehaving in a manner that eopardi9es the young lovehe has with his new wife. 1o seriously ask yourself this (uestion - how

wonderful is he? +nd - who will he cheat on ne*t? You perhaps%

$e*t I want you to look at this decision from your own point of view. You see5od as !eing pure love within everything and everyone - that includes you%If you pursue this affair I think we can already agree that it would do untoldharm to many people. oing harm runs counter to love. What would happento your relationship to 5od within 3yourself4 were you to pursue this path?Would your conscience trou!le you for the rest of your life? I think it would.Would you ever find peace again? 8erhaps not. Would you have to reallystruggle and repent at length to re-esta!lish your relationship with 5od3within4? )ost certainly.

You are a very lucky woman. You are in love with your hus!and and you have!eautiful children and a family that care a!out you. )any women would loveto !e in your position. on't throw it all away on a whim and a teenagefantasy. )y advice to you is to !reak off contact with this man and never !e incontact again. If you do that you will change from living a lie to living in amanner concurrent with your own philosophy and !e a person of integrityonce again. he relief and peace you e*perience from taking, and acting on,this decision will !e enormous. If you feel like shedding some tears, pleasefollow these feelings. You will !e grieving for a lost fantasy, and this is good.


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et it all go. etting go of your fantasy will helps you focus on reality, the hereand now, and to appreciate and value your everyday e*istence.

)any people have the strangest ideas a!out love. hey think love is afeeling, an emotion, a desire. It is true that love can give rise to thesee*periences !ut are these e*periences 072? 0r is love a deeper thing -

something precious, that arises deep in one's heart in response to acommitment made and seen through, despite all the trials and turmoil of life?

I urge you, after letting go of this fantasy, to return and recommit to yourrelationship with your hus!and. 0pen up conversations with him a!outmeeting one another's needs within your marriage. +sk him a!out his needsand share with him your own needs. Aeflect on your relationship and ask to!e shown what aspect of yourself is not !eing fulfilled in your relationshipwith your hus!and. What needs of yours do you feel are drawing you out ofyour marriage toward this other doomed relationship? &y letting go of thisfantasy and recommitting to your hus!and in this way, you will have foundyour sacred contract and your purpose on this plane. I will !e proud of you

!ecause you will have maintained your resolve and passed the test.

I implore you - listen to and reflect long on these words. )ay 5od guide youin your decision.

!y mother will not tal" about my conception by a man who was not my father - why isit unbearable for me to be around her?

The questioner's philosophy:&riefly, I do not !elieve that it was intendedfor all people to form separate and differing religious groups, for I havechosen to accept that it is 'separation' that is the cause of all emotional,physical, psychological and spiritual pain. It is often pondered why, after eachtime man has achieved success, fame, material accessories or great wealth,he still hungers to fill the hole he feels inside. I have deduced that that hungerhas formed during his life span as a result of never having found his:her'5od-centre' within his own heart or mind, therefore never e*periencing the'food' that nurtures and fulfills his soul, reducing his eternal 'needs andwants'. 1o, I don't !elong to any church or religious group - I ust am.

The questioner's hopes and aspirations:5ratefully, I have lived to my C#'snow and my hopes and aspirations are those of sincere concern for ourgenerations to come, we are all links in a never-ending chain 3$+ validatesthat now4 and I hope that the masses that are here right now elect to make aconscious decision to link with like-minded folk who want to actively do theirpart in making a significant difference for the !etter.

Question:hank you for this opportunity. his is such a !ig (uestion to ask,so I am attempting to condense it without it turning into a !ook. +lso, this isthe very first time I have actually penned the following information. uring theWorld War II years, I was !orn in >D


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he took it !adly and attempted suicide, although not succeeding as his matesgot to him in time. He eventually returned home and life continued.

wo sisters and a !rother came along during the years. +lthough I was only = I involved myself in a relationship with a man who was olderthan me in years !ut pro!a!ly not emotional years. I chose to continue topursue this even though he kept telling me that I should move on and findsomeone else. I ignored this, and continued to persuade and pursue.

I stayed with this man. I led the relationship all the way even though he nevertold me he loved me 3he didn't need to say it, I should know what he thinks4and made it clear on more than one occasion that he would never marry me3or anyone else for that matter4. He allowed me to pay for everything and

positively encouraged me to get into de!t. +t times he refused to work. 0npractically every occasion we went out for meals or drinks, he would end uppicking a fight with me or ver!ally and emotionally a!using me. I conceivedand gave !irth to a wonderful child, !ut then had to go !ack to work full timeand spent most of my time alone with the child, or undertaking any dailyactivity alone or with the child.

$eedless to say in the end I left. I went !ack !ut left again. he last time Istated that I did not want the relationship any more !ut was determined toremain friends, and I worked hard to minimi9e any friction, and he in turn hasdone the same.

1i* years down the line and he is indicating that he wishes for us to reunite,

!ut he has in fact asked me every year for the last si* years, even though hehas continued to remain in a different area of the country and had up untilrecently !een in a relationship with someone for nearly @ years. He'ssuccessful now, we are good friends !ut I cannot define my feelings on hisre(uest. How can going !ack !e moving forward, or is life really a simple yesor no?

I have no relationship, I am fussy, possi!ly intolerant of men, my own worstcritic !ut deeply care what others think. I have made mistakes in the last C


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years !ut regret nothing. I have a deep desire for things to move forward, !egrown up, have it all. I'm stuck.

Wallace's reply:

Here is my perspective... his man does not seem from his past actions, as

descri!ed !y you, to !e good marriage material. Why would you want toassociate with a man who didn't pursue you, never told you he loved you, gotyou pregnant, wanted you to pay for everything, encouraged you to get intode!t, refused to work and who a!used you. &e wary of your deep desire forthings to move forward, !e grown up, have it all.

Instead of seeking a relationship with a man and having it all as yourdeepest desire, make seeking a relationship with your Higher 1elf your toppriority. Your very desire to move things forward could !lind you to theo!vious shortcomings of this man and get you into trou!le once again.

Having said that, people can and do change I do not know this man.

However the warning !ells are sounding when he is going out with someoneelse and is at the same time pursuing you. I would advise profound cautionwhen dealing with this man. he world is full of wonderful men if you areintolerant of men, this will keep you from meeting the really great men whowould make fa!ulous hus!ands.

)y advice to you is to drop your deep desire to have it all and instead !econtent with your life as it is. /eel appreciation for what you do have. henreprioriti9e, putting your main emphasis on developing a relationship withyour Higher 1elf, 5od Within. 0nce you do that your inner guidance will!ecome clearer and you will know e*actly where you stand in relation to thisman.

I am frustrated trying to wor" in a team with a manager who is less educated than I am

The questioner's philosophy:I'm here to advance myself, others and theworld. I've got )uslim !ackground, now interested in $ew hought, Bhoprawork and &uddhism.

The questioner's hopes and aspirations:o develop a healthy and wealthyfamily, to offer a peaceful life to my parents, to offer the world useful solutionsfor life.

Question:I studied +pplied )athematics. ast year I applied to a companyand they accepted me. I was put in a position that was not appropriate for me3it was hardware-oriented, and I'm software-oriented4. I couldn't integrate intoauto-didactical point of view of the others - it was only me that was universityoriented. I was fired after three months of test work.

I had a long period of down-time. I used some tapes of $ew hought and gothealed. I finished with the university, and started to work there as anassistant. his is the Eth year of successful teaching, and it's going !etter and!etter.


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In meanwhile I attended an +cademy of 8rogramming in a private company.0f D students and the trainer, only another student and I were graduates. Igot the practical e*perience and for C months showed e*traordinary results inthe degree of comple*ity of the software I could make, passing even thetrainer:manager who has an industrial !ackground, knowledge andcertifications.

When the school was over, the company offered us working places. I wasoffered a position lower than others who got certified through cheating ways,not (ualitatively. I started to complain and to e*press my dissatisfaction whenat work. I started !eing more aggressive in e*pressing my knowledge onsolutions. ast week, I was !eing a !it sarcastic a!out a solution that themanager himself had decided, which for me and two other developers wasincorrect. hat made my manager angry and he fired me from thedepartment.

hen I talked to the director of company in a friendly way. He e*plained to methat I'm a person that doesn't fit into a team. )y opinion is that I can !e a

team-player if the team is at my level of knowledge, acting to fill weaknessesin other fields of the su!ect.

In childhood I was a reader, and liked studying rather than !eing a socialperson. I liked to play chess, and when my friends started to !ecomeaggressive in adolescence, I separated from them and sociali9ed withpeaceful people. )y (uestion is how can I !e socia!le and a team player?

Wallace's reply:

Your (uestion and our accompanying online discussion, raises the issue of!eing aware of who is responsi!le for what. I understand your frustration withthe manager who decided on a solution that you knew was incorrect.However in life and on a team we have to acknowledge who is responsi!lefor making the final decision a!out which solution is accepted. If it is themanager's responsi!ility then it is a mistake to !ecome sarcastic if hechooses differently from us - even if we know he is in error. If we have amanager we must allow him the space to manage and to make keydecisions. We can offer our point of view !ut must not override our manager'srole as decision maker.

1ome managers are !etter than others at listening to their staff and learningfrom them. /or some managers, a well educated self-assured young mem!erof staff can appear as threatening to their authority. In circumstances like thisit is !est to remain cautious. he right approach in such circumstances is to

adopt the role of that of a coach or trainer to your manager. You would not tellyour manager you were taking this role of course, !ut that is the !estapproach. +s the manager's coach you use your greater awareness of thepro!lems and possi!le solutions to ask the manager key (uestions. +ne*ample of a (uestion you could ask is, +re there any ways in which thissolution might !e improved? or How would this solution work from thecustomer's point of view? &y these means encourage him to think moredeeply and creatively a!out the team's pro!lems, and prompt him with keysto possi!le solutions if he is stuck, !ut all the time leave the choice of path


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that leads toward a solution and the decision on the solution to the managerhimself - not getting upset if he chooses differently from you.

If you feel restricted !y such an approach and want more freedom to !einvolved in decision making then I suggest you change your team, or your

o!, to a new position where you will either !e listened to more fully and

where your skills will !e appreciated, or to where you yourself will !e thedecision maker. If you do ever !ecome the decision maker, remem!er thee*perience you had with your authoritarian manager and resolve to listenfully to your staff and involve them in decision making. &y doing this as amanager you will reduce your authority !ut gain respect and love - and theseare more powerful allies when faced with the responsi!ility of managing ateam, finding solutions and making the !est decisions.

Documents

Metamophosis QA