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FFFFF I L K K fffff i l eeeeeF I L K K f i l eFFFF I L KK ffff i l eeeeF I L K K f i l eF I LLLLLL K K f i llllll eeeee

TWELVE

----------------------------------------------------------------The twelfth compilation of filksongs collected from the FILK Echoand provided for download via the auspices of Kay Shapero, moder-ator of same. Publication date, January 1992. All copyrightsbelong to the writers.

FILKfile appears at irregular intervals of a month or more,depending on how many songs appear on the echo (and how much timeI have to compile this thing....)----------------------------------------------------------------

"12-Bar Filkin' Blues"by Jim Edmonds

I think Muddie Murcury did one way back in the early 90's:

I got twits in mah echoI got bugs in ma beerSay got twits in ma echoI got bugs in ma beerAn' this thred makes ma heart wearySho' be buggin filkers round here.

I'm a lonesome lil' sysopHang in ma 'drasiltreeI'm a lonely lil' sysop

Hangin ma 'drasiltreeAn' dees twitters keep on yakkin'Lawd know's dey sho' be bodduh me.

Cause I'm eville, honey dahlinEville as the dragonne's bonesO I'm eville, metal pumpkinEville as the day is lawngDon' be messin' roun' with me baybahI'm eville as ma filkin' sawng.

(Or something like that.)

****

ATEN MANWords: Ioseph of LocksleyTune: "Irish Soldier Laddie"CHORUS: Will you stand in the van like a true Aten man

And hold the line for Kingdom and for Crown?Will you fight and never yield on Estrella's battlefield?For today's the day we're takin' Caid down!

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As I stood in a crowd I saw a valiant laddie walkin'With his armour and his sword down a quiet country laneHe smiled and he waved and he bespoke me trulyHe beckoned and he called to me by name:

On a quiet village street stood a bowman strong and heartyAs he bade a fond farewell to his pretty peasant lassAnd his eyes were flashin' bright as he bent his head and kissed

herAnd these words he said beneath the partin' glass:

Came a knight upon his steed, with his squires ridin' afterWith his pennon and his lance and his shinin' silver mailWith his Lady's Favour hangin' from his belt of leatherAnd passin' close he smiled and bade me "Hail!"

In a sunny castle hall, with her minstrels and her maidens,Stood a Lady, strong and proud, with a fire in her eyes"If my King is off to war, what can I but fight beside him?"She raised her sword, and shouted to the skies:

From city and from township, from Barony and MarchesCome the men of Aten's land with a fire in their eyesAtenveldt and Loch Sallan, Mons Tinitrus and SunDragon,And a hundred thousand others 'neath the sky!

words (c) copyright 1991 W.J.Bethancourt III

****

The Bug Came BackWords: Joel PolowinTune: Music: "The Cat Came Back"

The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long,Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong.But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night -Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right -

(Chorus:)But the bug came back, the very next dayThe bug came back, we thought it was a gonnerBut the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away.

We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratchTo find out where the new and older versions didn't match.A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray;

We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay -

(Chorus)We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APLAnd ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well.Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue;The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through -

(Chorus)

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We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun -And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run.But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play -Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away...

(Chorus)We got a summer student in to check the code by hand,

With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command,But suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and queer--A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..?

(Chorus)(Last verse and associated alternate chorus are optional:)We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired:A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wiredSuch that IF the program failed, the little moggy would begassed.

A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast...

But the cat came back the very next dayThe bug came back, we thought they were a gonnerBut they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away

---------------Words copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin. Permission is herebygranted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium pro-vided that its content is not altered and that this notice isappended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publicationin which it appears: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston,Ontario / CANADA / K7L 4A9 [email protected],

[email protected]

****

COLD WARRIOR'S LAMENTwords:Dr PepperTune: My Bonnie

My commies lie fallen around meI think it's a terrible shameCause now if the world should confound meI have no more commies to blame

Chorus:

Bring back, bring back,O bring back my commies to me, to me!Bring back, bring back,O bring back my commies to me!

The war factory bosses are cryingI think they have lost their aplombSell more weapons? there's no use in trying

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Without any commies to bomb

Chorus

The third world right wing despots tell meTheir death squads are fighting a threatBut how do they think they can sell me?Their commie excuse is all wet

Chorus

Last night as i lay on my pillowA brand new spy novel i readAbout. japanese. stealing a patent...

The world as i knew it is dead!

Chorus

My ideological fervor

Has outlived its purpose i fearI thought this would go on foreverFidel, let me buy you a beer!

Chorus

words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991****

CONFRANCISCOWords: Dr PepperTune: "Are you going to San Francisco"

If you're going to ConfranciscoBe sure to wear a tribble in your hairIf you're going to ConfranciscoYou're gonna meet some freaky people there

For when you go to ConfranciscoWatch out for people floating in mid airIn the halls of ConfranciscoFen in costume who don't care if you stare

All across the fandomPlans get changed at random

Such a commotion (mmm) Such a commotionIt's a whole convocationWith it's own affectationSuch a commotion (mmm) Such a commotion

If you're going to ConfranciscoBe sure to wear a tribble in your hairIf you come to ConfranciscoAll your time will be bizarre and rare

(other suitable words can be substituted for tribble. Like trif-

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fid, sandworm, tardis, dragon, etc)

words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991

****

CTHULU LOVESWords: Farrell McGovern

Tune: Jesus Loves the Little Children

Cthulu loves the little childrenAll the Children of the WorldRed and Yellow, Black and WhiteThey make Equal Sacrifice!Cthulu loves the little children of the World...

words copyright Farrell McGovern 1991

****

DUELING HERALDS

Words: Ioseph of LocksleyTune: "Dueling Banjos"This takes the form of a duet between two Heralds.....

My Lords and Ladies, pray attend(My Lords and Ladies, pray attend)

Hush your speech and pray forfend!

(Hush your speech and pray forfend!)From interrupting Royal Court!(From interrupting Royal Court!)

We'll truly try to keep this short!

(We'll truly try to keep this short!)His Majesty(His Majesty)

Wishes Me(Wishes Me)

To announce announcements to you all(To announce announcements to you all)

To attend His Presence in this Hall(To attend His Presence in this Hall)

[together to "Yankee Doodle" theme:]His Majesty commands you allDraw nigh and pray attend....for....

[single herald sings:]

Please remember leave the site as clean as clean can be[And do not] smoke within the Hall, for it's not period, you see[And try to] speak forsoothly to the gentles partying tonight[For we're the] SCA, and we're the ones who try to get it right!


We as Heralds condescend

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(We as Heralds condescend)To blazon forth the finest Arms(To blazon forth the finest Arms)

That ever graced a Kingdom's charms(That ever graced a Kingdom's charms)

Cheqy bendy plumetty(Cheqy bendy plumetty)

Gyronny!

(Arondy!)I believe, sir, you have got it wrong!(But that's how Locksley wrote the song!)

[together to "Yankee Doodle" theme:]

His Majesty commands you allDraw nigh and pray attend....for....

[the second Herald sings:]Three spiders rampant passant statant on a field of greenSurrounded by a bordure compony is what we meanEngorged with crowns of several kinds, and que-fourchee to boot

And charged with Fleurs-de-Lis in pink

[spoken: "In pink?""Well, it -could- have been flamingos!"]

And semee'd in bandicoots!

[both: "ARRGGGHHH!"]


And please do not misapprehend(And please do not misapprehend)

For we in our pomposity(For we in our pomposity)Perpetuate atrocity

(Perpetuate atrocity)By singing you this awful song(By singing you this awful song)We know that it is much too long!(We know that it is much too long!)His MajestyIs kicking me!So we'll shut up and take our leave(So we'll shut up and take our leave)

So we'll shut up and take our leave(So we'll shut up and take our leave)

(fade out and sneak off, if possible....)

(c) words copyright 1991 W.J.Bethancourt III

****

DER FUEHRER'S FACE fragmentWords & Tune: Spike Jones

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Vhen der Fuehrer says,"Ve is der master race!"Ve heil! Heil! Right in der Fuehrer's face.To not be ChermanIs a big disgrace,Zo ve heil! Heil!

Right in der Fuehrer's face!

presumably copyright Spike Jones in the early 40s.

****

FLAT EARTH filk startWords: Sherman DornIf you watch Maury Povich or Inside Editionand think up each day new conspiracy theories,there's a group ready-made to feed your suspicion,boost your blood pressure, and wake up your Furies.

We all really know that the Earth is quite flat.Though Newton commanded, the globe went a-splat.The Challenger blewbut some already knew---[author now looking for a good last line to this verse and a fewmore verses too. Anyone want to assist?]

****

FOUND IN AN EMPTY CHAIR IN A FILKSING, 1995

Go quietly amid the SCA members and remember what joy there is inkeeping your head upon your shoulders. As far as possible with-out surrender be on good terms with all persons, For you maysomeday need crash space. Speak your truth quietly and clearly,and listen to others--even to the dull and ignorant--Unless, ofcourse, they want to tell you about their D&D characters, deepunderlying meanings in Dr. Who, or the endings of movies youhaven't seen yet. Avoid loud and aggressive persons--in short,stay out of the filk suite. If you compare yourself to othersyou may become vain or bitter--in your case, probably bitter.

Keep interested in your own career, for no one else is. Exercisecaution in the Dealer's Room, for you may find it cheaper on

someone else's table--but probably not. And let this not keepyou from forking over the cash, For you know you're going to buythe damn thing in the end.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering thethings of youth: rabbit-fur Barbarian costumes and spandex comefirst to mind. Nurture your credit cards to shield you in timesof sudden bankruptcy. But do not distress your self with darkimaginings--it's probably just something you drank--for many consare born of fatigue and light beer.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself, Unlessyou can find someone else to do it for you.

You are an attendee of the convention, you paid your fifteenbucks and have a right to be here. And whether or not it lookslike it, the convention is unfolding as well as can be expected.Therefore, be at peace with God, and hope that the televangelistsaren't right or we're all in deep doo-doo. And whatever your

labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of the consuite,Keep your hands to your self. With all its lack of ice, screwed-up film schedules, and broken elevators, it's still the only gamein town. Live long and prosper, open the bay doors, use theforce, and DON'T PANIC.

Copyright 1990, Randy Farran and Lisa Berry Farran

This is printed by permission and may be reproduced (for hobby,fandom newsletters, or similar basically non-profit purposes) aslong as the copyright notice is maintained. Randy and Lisa wouldappreciate copies of publications in which it is printed

c/o Curtis Berry3104 West 39 StreetTulsa, OK 74107

****

I AM A JOCKWords:Rhys ap BaruchTune: "I Am a Rock", Simon & GarfunkelAn August dayIn a Pennsic field battle

I am surroundedGazing at the shieldwallAdvancing on my rightAnd from the left there comes a hostile knightI am a jock, I am a fighter

Castle wallsA fortress great and mightyThat we must penetrateWe have no need of sappersThey just get in the wayHand me my sword and I'll carry the dayI am a jock, I am a fighter

Don't talk of danceEmbroidery or researchI want none of thatI only live for steelDuct tape and rattanThe beer is cold and I'm a fighting manI am a jock, I am a fighter

I have my spearAnd a shieldman to protect me

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I am sweating in my armourFighting in the fieldWe will never yieldI slay them all and no one touches meI am a jock, I am a fighterAnd a jock feels no painEven when he dies

(c) 1991, Ian KlinckPermission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this workfor non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative Anachro-nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given.Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics, tomake the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substi-tute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa)

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog,Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of theMiddle

****

I'M AN AZIWords: Dr PepperTune: Feeling GroovyVat grown, and brought up fastI'm not the first and not the lastJust-- soaking up all those hypno tapesLife is a plan and i'm an Azi

At my work i'm-- never lazyMiss my tape, and i go crazyKill me when i'm obsolete

I won't make a fuss cuz i'm an Azi

I've got no subconscious,No phobias deepI'm programmed and analyzed,All in my sleepPsychotherapy's just like a tune up for meOf course i love you-- i'm an Azi

words copyright Dr Pepper 1991

****

LivesWords: Lynn GoldTune: "Lies" by Stan Rogers

G DAt last the boss is gone now for the day

Em C G DThe hackers do their projects when the management's away

G DThey leave some time to write some code and plan

Em C G D

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From five until five-thirty, when they swap files on the LANG D

Sure was a bitter beta, but this release is fine, andEm CMaybe last year's Easter egg will pop up one more time

G DIt's now 5:29, oh how time flies

Am D G

The hackers all rush home 'cause they got lives

(CHORUS)Am C

Oh livesG D

They rush home, the hackers all got livesAm C D CLives, all lives

GToo much time staring into space

A CThat could be spent with S-Os, husbands, wives

D GThe hackers, they got lives

G DThey used to hack long days at work and then

Em C G DThey'd go home to their term'nals and start hacking once again

G DNo need to search to find them through the years

Em C G

DThey haunted the control rooms where machine noise filled their

earsG D

But then they all found networks with other hackers thereEm C

And found there was a world outside beyond their term'nal's glareG D

Well, after seeing this, it's no surpriseAm D G

The hackers all went out and they got lives.

(CHORUS)Am C

Oh lives

G DThey rush home, the hackers all got livesAm C D CLives, all lives




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G DNow they rush off from work to be with friends

Em C G DThey all have home computers which they pick up now and then

G DThey make sure that the code they just wrote ran,Em C G DPour themselves some coffee, or some caffeine from a can

G DAnd think ahead to Friday, 'cause payday will be fine!

Em CThey look up at their ancient code and ponder, line by line

G DThen through direct deposit pay arrives

Am D GAnd helps them to finance their newfound lives.

(CHORUS)Am C

Oh livesG D

They rush home, the hackers all got livesAm C D CLives, all lives




words (c) 1991 Lynn Goldmusic (c) 1981 Stan Rogers

****

MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE HACKERSWords: Mike Van PeltTune: Willie Nelson and/or Waylon Jennings, I think.

Hackers ain't easy to love and they're harder to standThey'd rather play with a gizmo that's made out of sand.Never wear neckties, just old faded levis,And each night begins a new day.You can't understand him, and you won't untilThe F.B.I takes him away.

Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers.Don't let 'em hack UNIX, if they try, revolt!Don't let 'em eat Twinkies, don't let 'em drink Jolt.Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers.'Cause they'll always stay home in their room all alone,Interfaced to their silicon love.

Hackers like frigid machine rooms and bleary eyed mornings

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Little warm RAM chips and things that go 'beep' in the night.Them that don't know him won't trust himand them that do trust him to unleash a virus. (*)He ain't bad or amoral, but his pride won't let himturn back from an elegant hack.

Mammas, don't let your babies grow up if they're hackers.Some day they'll hack NORAD and start World War IIIThe world is a gonner if you let them be.Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers.'Cause they'll always stay home in their room all alone,Interfaced to their silicon love.

(* This really doesn't look like it scans, but it works thesame way as the original.)

words copyright Mike Van Pelt, 1991

****

The Minstrel BoyWords: Thomas MoreThe minstrel boy to the war has goneIn the ranks of death you will find himHis father's sword he has girded onAnd his wild harp slung behind him.

Land of Song, said the warrior bardtho all the world betray theeOne sword at least thy rights shall guard

One faithful harp shall praise thee!

The minstrel fell, but the foeman's chainCould not bring that proud soul underThe harp he loved never spoke againFor he tore it's chords asunder

And he said no chain shall sully theeThou soul of love and bravery!Thy songs were made for the pure and freeThey shall never sound in slavery!

[this poem can be found in any good book of poetry! ]

****

The Moderator's SongWords: Dr PepperTune: Gilbert & Sullivan

Our moderator, patient soulWhen she this place first took controlSaid motivation was her roleShe'd not be heavy handed

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So in a gentle tone declaredThat all opinions may be sharedProvided that no flames are airedThat's all that she demanded

And i expect that you'll agreeThat she showed sensibility

And i am right and you are rightAnd all is right as it should be

Then someone brought up rights for gaysThat brought a flood of yeas and naysTwo hundred posts in twenty daysWithout a new perspective

And next abortion right or wrongAnd gun control, the same old songFor novel discourse she did longNot stale retrospective

And you'll think, i anticipateSuch longings were appropriate

And i am right and you are rightAnd all is right and really great

words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991

****

MR MARSHALWords: Rhys ap Baruch

Tune: "Mr. Sandman"

Mr. Marshal, please let me fightI'm sure my armour must be alrightSure, there's a gap from my knee to my hipAnd that hole will admit a thrusting tipBut Mr. Marshal, It's one month 'til WarI've never been down to Pennsic beforeYes, a hero I will be!Mr. Marshal, authorize me!

(repeat)

Mr. Marshal, please let me fightI really wanna become a knightI'll fight all day, and I won't go downI'll swear fealty to the crown!Mr. Marshal, you've gotta sign hereI'll bribe you with money, I'll bribe you with beerYou'll see how grateful I will be,Mr. Marshal, authorize me!

(c) 1991, Ian Klinck

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Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this workfor non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative Anachro-nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given.Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics, tomake the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substi-tute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa)

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog,

Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of theMiddle

****

"The New Generation Tango"Words: Sherman DornTune: The Masochism Tango

Trek slakes my desire for pulp fiction.Watching bad episodes is an addiction.Some stories inspirebut most plots require

the disposal of all science and reason.

I love when the crew is encumberedwith problems too many to number.Trek solves it all fineat 6:59,even doing it without Wes this season.

(bridge)At Gene's commandbefore the set I stand,brick ready in my hand.It's sad that we must see

Riker's romanceand sappy song-and-dance,Not a woman's vig'rous stanceAnd a well-placed upthrust knee.

So bore me to tears with emoting Troi,and drive me to randomly remoting joywith that cliched mixof dialog schtick.Relief comes only with Lwaxana's coy boy toys.

(bridge)The Klingons thrill

me when a villain killssomeone just in time to fillthe space 'twixt writers' ears.I love Worf's gruntsand elaborate plot huntsand some pyrotechnic stuntsbut no thoughts there, don't you fear.

Take the VHS cassette from its holder,And ruin my taste until it molders.Rot out my brain

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and make me scream againAs we watch to the Next Generation Tango.

****

QUEEN TANGWYSTLWords: Rhys ap BaruchTune: "Mrs. Robinson", Simon and Garfunkel

Dee dee dee-dee . . .Doo doo-doo doo . . .Dee dee-dee dee . . .

CHORUS:Wassail to you, Queen TangwystlI live in constant fear of your crossbow (wo wo wo)Don't shoot me please Queen TangwystlYou're the queen who has to be obeyed (hey hey hey hey hey hey)

We'd like to do a little bit to get in your good booksIf there's anything you'd like just help yourself

Look around you, all you see are very frightened eyesWe would never think of breaking any oath

CHORUS.

King David's in a hiding-place that no one knows aboutIs it in the pantry or the dungeon?It's a sheepish secret, just a Feringold affairMost of all, you've got to hide it from the lambs

CHORUS (change first line to:)Cu-cu ca-chu Queen Tangwystl . . .

Sitting on your throne on a sunny afternoonHanding out a couple AoA'sLoad your crossbow, shoot the herald, sing another songWhen you're Queen, you can't be wrong

Where have you gone, Duke CariadocThe Midrealm turns its frightened eyes to you (woo woo woo)What's that you say Queen Tangwystl?Cariadoc is not the one who reigns (hey hey hey, we must obey)

A copy of this song was (informally) presented to Her Most Royaland Draconian Majesty in the marketplace at Pennsic XX (aftermuch time spent trying to get an "official" appointment). HRM had

heard of the song beforehand, and, upon receipt of the printedcopy, handed it to one of her attendants and said, "Here, readit. It's a good one." I take this to be Royal approval for thecirculation of this song.

(c) 1991, Ian KlinckPermission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this workfor non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative Anachro-nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given.Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics, tomake the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substi-

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tute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa)

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog,Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of theMiddle

****

THE ROSES OF OUR LADYWords: Ioseph of LocksleyTune: "Roses Of Prince Charlie"

CHORUS: Come now, gather now, here where the flowers grow!Bright is the blossom as the eyes of your love!Hear now a Kingdom's call! We'll make a solemn vow,Now by the Roses of Our Lady!

Fight again with shining sword and bright-emblazoned shield!Fight beside the heroes of Estrella's bloody field!Fight again and hold the line and never, ever yield!Fight beneath the Roses of Our Lady!

Spirits of the Dreamers in far and distant landsCarved out the Known Worlde with sweat and blood and handsCome now, in glory, and on the silver sand,Fight by the Roses of Our Lady!

Take your strength from the summer Sun that boldly blazes forthThe deserts of the Southlands and the mountains of the NorthStand fast together, let's show them what we're worth!Stand by the Roses of Our Lady!

CHORUS 2X

(c) words copyright 1991 W.J. Bethancourt III

****

The Shaving Cream songwords: Joey McKangaroo

Melvin was a baseball player,The fans soon took him to his favor,For he was the hottest hitter on the teeeam...But all that was on Melvin's mind,was the hopes someday, someone would sign (him)

Up to do commercials for some,Shaving Cream! HEY!Chorus: (sped up)

Shaving cream, shaving cream,

That was Melvin's only dream,While he wasn'tinterestedinthe hall of fame,He actually hit it in the baseball game,Just wanted to do commercials for some,

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Shaving Cream! HEY!

(A little Russian Chorus here...)Melvin's batting average started, average...(That's English!)Melvin's batting average started riiising...The fans soon started recogniiizing (him,)

And one day he realized his dream...(Back: He realized his dreeeeam....)For a man from B-B-D and O (The advertising agency)With a fountain pen, (... and a lotta dough)Signed him up for commercials for someShaving Cream, HEY!CHORUS.Residuals and Salaries,Made Melvin as rich as he could be!But things weren't all that they might seeem...(Back: As they might seeeeemm....)

For Melvin wasn't very.. bright (heh heh)And he had to stay awake AAALLL NIGHT!Oh, Doing those darn commercials for that,Shaving Cream, HEY!!CHORUS.FOURTH VERSE: (I think it's the funniest)But wait! Sadness Has Struck!(Twiddle the strings on the guitar)Melvin's batting average started dropping,

(Whistle downward) ...ah...The tickets and fans started stopping...And his value for commercials lost it's gleam...Back: It lost it's gleam and Clescent Pepsodent tooooooooooooOOO-OOOooOOOOooo,OOOOOooooOOOooooooooo, (I'll wait till you're fin-ished)oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hurryupI'mrunningouto-faiiiiirrrr....Front: Don't clap, it encourages him! (both start laughing)

Anyway, it lost its, you know what...So with no future, and with no hope...(Old man starts sobbing)He lathered up, and he slit his throat (KGKKGKGLLL!!! (can bemadeby squeezing air out of the side of your mouth))Doing his last commercial for thatShaving Cream! HEY!!

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Repeat Chorus twice.end abruptly....!

words copyright Joey McKangaroo, 1991****

SHAVING CYBERPUNK verseWords: Sherman DornTune: Shaving CreamCyberpunk,listening to funk.Write every dayand you'll look like a hunk.

words copyright Sherman Dorn 1991

****

"THE SOUND OF VIOLENCE"Words: Rhys ap Baruch and Blaine SylvanTune: "The Sound of Silence", Simon and GarfunkelHello broadsword my old friendI've come to fight with you againBecause the sounds of battle ringingIn my ears has me singingAnd the rock that I have instead of a brainStill remainsI love the sound of violenceIn tournaments I fight aloneI leave my melee gear at home

But when I go down to the Pennsic WarI often fight in groups of five or moreWhen my friend was stabbed by an Eastern spear in the headHe was deadTouched by the sound of violenceA thousand footmen waging warA hundred archers maybe morePolemen thrusting from the second rowShieldmen dying, they're the first to goTwo-stick fighters can harry the enemy flankThey've got rankAnd love the sound of violenceFoolishly I pressed ahead

I'd be a hero or be deadA belted fighter tried to teach meWith his polearm he might reach meBut my blows like violent hailstones fellAnd struck wellCausing the sound of violenceEastrealm fighters fell and diedBefore th' advancing Midrealm tideAnd we shouted out our battle cryWe would conquer or we would dieAnd the bards sing the deeds of the fighters that bravely fall

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And they allWhisper the sound of violence

(c) 1991, Ian KlinckPermission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this workfor non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative Anachro-nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given. Permission is alsogiven to make minor changes to the lyrics, to make the work more

appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substitute "Eastrealm" for"Midrealm" or vice-versa)

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog,Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of theMiddle-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****

SUMMONING THE SEUSSContributed by Questor Coyote

On Sep 23 the much beloved Dr. Seuss passed away. He will besorely missed, both by children and by us so called grown-ups.The weekend before at an equinox festival our circle performedthis ritual as a joke. Now with much love and respect I submitit as a tribute to Dr. Seuss.

SUMMONING THE SEUSSWe want a place

for the magic to last.So around we spin

and a circle we cast.

We will challenge you in

to join the fun.There are candles in hereso please do not run.

Watchtower oneWatchtower twoWatchtower redWatchtower blue

Summon the Goddessand invoke the Lord

Just remember your linesor They will get bored.

We would talk to the ladyso down we will draw.Just hope She's not mad

or She'll lay down the law.

When casting a spellthe air sure gets hot.

We're not wearing our clothesso care we do not

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Do you likegreen cakes and wine?

Oh yes we dowe like them fine

The knife we stick

into the cupThe wine is blessed

let's drink it up.

The circle is openthe quarters are gone.The candles are out

and the lightbulbs back on.

Merry Meet, Dr. Suess. Merry Part, and Merry Meet again.

****

Tovarisch!Words: Joe Bethancourt

Tune: "Let's call the whole thing off"

You say "Tovarisch", and I say "Gospodin"You say "we bury you" and I say "glasnost"Tovarisch...gospodinwe bury you....glasnostLet's call the whole thing off......

words copyright Joe Bethancourt 1991****

Uh oh, Uh oh...words: Joey McKangarooUh oh, Uh oh,It's Off The Cliff We Go...My brakes don't workthis is gonna hurtUh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,It's Off The Cliff We Go...If I scratch the paint

My dad'll faintUh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,It's Off The Cliff We Go...If th' fender's brokehe'll have a strokeUh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,It's Off The Cliff We Go...If it becomes a fadHe'll get real mad

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Uh oh, Uh oh...

words uncopyright (uc) Joey McKangaroo 1991

And an additional suggestion from Sherman Dorn"Uh-oh, uh-oh,It's off to war we go . . ."

Additional verses by Dave Aronson

Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...A flattened tireWill raise his ire,Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....

Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If I scratch the hoodHe'll beat me good

Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....

Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If we hit bottomHe'll show me SodomUh oh, uh oh, uh oh....And MORE from Joey McKangaroo!

Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If the muffler's out

He'll really shoutUh oh, Uh oh uh ohUh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If I hit a hillHe's gonna killUh oh, Uh oh uh ohUh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If the tire's flatHe'll get a bat

(or He'll join a frat)Uh oh, uh oh...And even MORE from Dave Aronson!

Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go,If we get a dentMy head'll be bent,Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

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Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If we break a rodBetter pray to GodUh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...

If the wheel wellGets muddy he'll yellUh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If we break a doorHe'll hurt me moreUh oh, Uh oh uh ohAnd even MORE from Joey McKangaroo!

Uh oh, Uh oh,

It's off the cliff we go...If I break the ShellI'll go to Hell,Uh oh, uh oh uh ohUh oh... uh Oh...It's off the cliff we go...If I hit it hard,He'll take my card,Uh oh , uh oh, uh oh,(stepping out of line for a second...)(If I break the Shell refers to a camper shell.)

(He'll take my card refers to my driver's license.)(back to the song.)Uh oh, uh oh,It's off the cliff we go...If it's all a dream,I'm going to scream!Uh oh, uh oh...

****

VALDRIC THE VEGETARIAN VIKING

-Words by Rathflaed DeTuninThe Black Bard of Meridies

I've traveled many lands it's true and some I can't recall,And I think that no matter how far I go, I'll never see them all.I've traveled countries so far across like fine Merideas,And some I've traveled were drops in a pond; I walked across indays.And many I've met, and many I've seen, and a few were to myliking.But one I'll remember to my dying day is Valdric the vegetarian

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viking.

You've heard of Fates, monsters and Gods, and the man who wouldnot die.You've heard of elves and dwarves and such, and the beholder'sbeautied eye.You've heard of orcs and trolls I'm sure and nasties by thescore.

I've covered most, I just don't think that I can name any more.Well dragons and treasures and maidens are great, but now I justdon't care.For I have seen Valdric and all of these things to him just don'tcompare.

Eight foot four he stood to tower over men,You'd look at his boots, get up to his knees, and look back downagain.He wore a helmet with horns, and a half moon axe, that made youthink, "Beware!"And his boots and his hat and his face and his arms were coveredwith three inch hair.

Then you'd get to his eyes, and notice his smile, and think,"Hewouldn't hurt anything!"And his four foot girth, yes that's him, Valdric the vegetarianviking.

We met at a court I've traveled to some, and thought that I'dstay at awhile,I've relatives there, or so some might say, at the court ofsquire Logan of Guille.He had just come in, and been offered some meat, and regretfullyhad to decline,He said,"Though a rare treat, I will not eat meat, Have you someturnips and wine?"

All talking stopped, and everyone stared, and one of the ladiesjust swooned then.Then all down the hall, the fighters stood up, turned and droppedtrou and then mooned him.

But Valdric just stood there, through the snickers and jeers, andpolitely resaid his request.Squire Logan roared,"Be quiet you all! I'll not have you laugh ata guest!"Then the men were abashed though they still stood and stared, andthey brought him some wine and some cheese.While he sat next to me, I was startled to see on his axe wasengraved a small tree.

I then asked him why, and he winked his right eye, said,"Whyshouldn't I hate all plants?My family died, with me still a child, at the hands of thosemurderous treants!"

We talked for a while, of him as a child, and quickly became fastfriends.And all the next week, we were seen round the keep, chatting andlaughing again.And every now and then you'd see us off on an errand or foray,And once in the kitchen(or on our way out) saw the fair lady

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Gwinneth Anorae.She looked very worried, we asked what was wrong, she said thatthe squire had been sent,Off to the border, with most of his men, to fight off an army oftreants.

"Treants!", cried Valdric as he loosened his axe, "I'll carvethem and eat them like beets!"

And then off he raced, while swinging his axe, as fast as wouldmove his two feets.All the way to the battle, without stopping once, I heard thatthe viking did run.And then when I got there, at close to days end, I found that hewas almost done.Sore bestead was the army, until he got there, they'd fight andthen slowly retreat.But then in rushed Valdric, and he swung his great axe, and hemowed down the treants like wheat.

Aye, his half-moon cut trunks, cut branches and berries, and hemunched on the pieces the while.

But they marched in by scores, and hundreds and thousands, tofight with his weed whacking smile.When he had finished, he looked round for more, and was startledto hear a great roar.Crying,"Valdric the viking! A warrior true! May he live on forev-er more!"Then he fell to the ground, and squire Logan looked round, andasked me what I thought did hap.Then I laughed right out loud, and I said to the crowd,"I thinkhe faints at the sight of sap."

And those who could hear, laughed with great cheer, and Valdricwoke up and looked round.

Then louder they cheered, as Valdric they neared, and they car-ried him right into town.That day he was piled with awards for his deeds, the squire madehim part of the court.Now I've traveled on, and long I've been gone, but I still knowwhere I'll find my sort.For when I am weary of the world and it's cares, of the hustleand bustle and fighting,I can go see my friend, Who is there till the end, Valdric thevegetarian viking.

words copyright Rathflaed DeTunin 1991

****

WE DIDN'T START THE SERIESWords: probably Martin PollardTune: "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel

Jean-Luc, Geordi's specs,Mysteries on the holodecks,Asteroids, triple droids,Telepathic Betazoids.

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Transporter, deadly claw,Visitor from L.A. Law,Photons, no Kirk,Captain has gone berzerk!

Shuttlecraft, Counselor Troi,Doctor Crusher's little boy,Klingon rites, parasites,

New heights, phaser fights!

Data's head, Tasha's dead,Riker's hangin' by a thread,Celebration, transformation,Everyone to battle stations!

We didn't start the series,It's the Next Generation on your favorite station,We didn't start the series,But when we are gone it will still be on and on and on...

We didn't start the series...

Alternative Chorus by Eugene Marksworth

We didn't start the series!It's the next gen'rationon your fav'rite station,We didn't start the series!We can't take the blame,

for the show's greatest fame!

****

We WishWords: Joey McKangarooTune: "We Wish you a Merry Christmas"We wish you would leave a messageWe Wish you would leave a messageWe Wish you would leave a messageSo wait for the beep.You got our machineSo wait for the tone,Then leave your name and numberand Hang Up The Phone!

We wish you would leave a messageWe wish you would leave a messageWe Wish you would leave a messageSo wait for the words copyright Joey McKangaroo Sept 1991

****

YOU CAN SING...

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Words: anonymousTune: Alice's RestaurantYou can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant"You can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant"From [ something ] to [ something - "Eric the Grim"?],Pick any song and jump right inYou can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant".

****

Another Young Folks, Old Folks verse...As contributed by Andrew Rajcher

Moses was the leader of the Israelatic flock,He used to get spa water just by tapping on a rock.But then, from the multitude there came a mighty cheer,For instead of getting water, he got Foster's Lager beer!

****CAMP SONGS (aka the Child(ish) Ballads)****

BRIDGE SONGWords: traditionalTune: theme from Bridge over the River Kwai (though probablypredating that movie by plenty...)Contributed by Dave Aronson

HitlerHas only got one ball;GoeringHas two but very small;HimmlerIs rather sim'lar,And Mister Goebbels

Has no ballsAt all!

****

Ducks and Snipes ForeverWords: traditional kids songTune: Stars and Stripes ForeverContributed by Eugene Marksworth

"Be kind to our fine feathered friends...For a duck may be somebody's muuuuuu-ther,Don't kill all our fine feathered friends,

There aren't enough for us,So when hunting season has come,Just say 'no' to all the hunters and trap-pers,for someday all the geese will ROAR!and there'll be eggs, ham & eggs, for all and sun-dry, HEY!"

Variant reported by Kay Shapero

"Be kind to your web-footed friends...For that duck could be somebody's muuuuu-ther,

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Be kind to your friends in the swamp,Where the weather is very, very dawmp,You may think that this is the end,You are right!"

****

GREAT GREEN GOBS

Words: Joey McKangarooTune: The original was to The Old Grey Mare; this has mutatedGreat Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts,Simulated Monkey Muck,Fruit Flies and Feta Cheese,Crushed Snail Shells to Please,French worms on a Sourdough Roll,I don't have a spoon!(Better pick straws...)

See how you like THAT! (Bleeah...)

[if this is copyright I WILL be surprised. Oh, Joey...]

And an alternate version written by Eugene MarksworthGreat Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts,Seventy day-old monkey muck,Dried up inchworms in a stew,Snail shells enough for two,Anchovies sitting in a pile of grease,I forgot my spoon!(Better use a straw...)****

THE LITTLEST WORMWords: traditional camp songTune: "Sipping Cider Through a Straw"Contributed by Susan GrantThe littlest worm (repeat)I ever saw (repeat)Got stuck inside (repeat)My soda straw (repeat)(Repeat the whole verse)

****

OH SAY...Words: traditional kid songTune: "Star Spangled Banner"contributed by Eugene Marksworth

Oh say can you see,any bedbugs on me?If you do, take a few,then I won't have quite so many.

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Who is making these cars?They're just falling apart!Oh, my TIIII-re is flat,I think I got it from K-Mart.Somebody call the Cops!I'm be'ing attacked by guys wi'mops!And my bus driver knows,

Everywhere he's gotta stop!Oh, why can't this stupid l'ilBALL-Game ever start?'Cause I am getting bored!And I'm afraid that I will faaaart!

****

Over ThereWords: traditional kids songTune: Over there...

Contributed by Eugene Marksworth"Over there,Over there,Take your chair,and go sit,over there..."

****

TRA LA LAWords: traditional kids songTune: Tra La La Boom De-Ay...

contributed by Joey McKangarooTra la la boom De-Ay...We have no school today!Our teacher passed away,She died just yesterday!We laid her in some hay,And threw her in the bay!And when we pulled her out,She smelled like sauerkraut!Tra la la boom de-ay,We have no school today!

Addendum from Dave Aronson

The way I remember it was "She died of tooth decay". Especiallyappropriate at that age, when grownups keep threatening kids withit if we don't brush our teeth....

****

More We're Out Of Spaghetti,(these additional verses by Dave Aronson)

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We can't have dessert yet,The main course ain't done,And sittin' around hereIs not very fun.

We've still got some salad,And soup in the pot,

But pasta and meatballsIs what we ain't got.

Next time we tell Joe-BobTo come for a meal,Maybe we should find theBest bulk-pasta deal!

WHISTLEWords: traditional kids songTune: Whistle While you Work...contributed by Joey McKangaroo

Whistle While you work,'Cause Hitler is a jerk,Mussolinibit his weenie (?!?!?!)Now it doesn't work!

Addendum from Dave Aronson

I heard it as "Hitler likes to jerk" ("off" being implied), and"Mussolini broke his weenie".

--end of file--#

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